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Poetry


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Lullaby

By keepxthexfaith

25 October 2008

Darkness closes in around me

Revealing secrets I'd rather forget.

Oh, sing me a lullaby to send me to sleep.

Voices non-stop, out of control

A machiene with a Big Red Button

Emergencies only,

Push to explode.

For now, my faith has been compromised.

As I suffer, troubled dreams of late

It makes me afraid to be alone

In the dark, pondering the existance of my future.

How I wish for the daylight to come

Guide my soul to safer shores

Unharmed and alright.

Sing me a lullaby to send me sleep,

Away from the places were dark secrets creep,

To the place where my angel will seek.

Reviews

we've all been there
Written by fellpony (2937 comments posted) 25th October 2008

so to write about this kind of feeling, you need to find a new twist.

I liked the idea of asking for a lullaby, with its association of being helpless and young and cossetted by a caring elder. I didn't think the "angel" reference in the last line really added much to that concept. You don't hint at who should actually supply the lullaby; I'd have liked a clue.

I would (personally) have started with your arresting lines:

"Voices non-stop, out of control
A machine with a Big Red Button,
Emergencies only,
Push to explode."

The "darkness" "revealing secrets" is a useful idea; if not completely new at least it's encouraging, in that it's an oxymoron. A hint as to the secrets might strengthen the poem.

You could tighten this a lot by cutting out padding phrases such as "How I wish", or "For now". Similarly you might consider alternatives for vague, abstract adjectives like "compromised" or "all right"; or archaic poeticisms like "troubled", "pondered", or "seek".

Watch out for spellings (machiene, existance, were=where, alright).

There's some useful and potentially disturbing material in here that deserves another workover.

Explanations
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 27th February 2009

Hey, just wanted to say thanks for the comment.
I may consider re-writing this at one point although I'm not really sure what I would do with it =\.

The reason I added in the angel reference was just that at the time of writing I was in hospital and, as you can see my username is Keep the faith, I don't personally believe in God or Guardian Angels. So for me putting that in was basically me seeking for some kind of faith to help me out.

I also wanted to chuck in the darkness bit at the beginning because it signifies the things that haunt us when the lights go out, and invade our dreams. Things that we often try to run away from but ultimatly can't.

But yeah, I would like to rewrite this. Not really sure how to though

Read, read and . . .
Written by Katanga (4194 comments posted) 27th February 2009

. . . read other poets - that's my only advice when you say "I'm not sure how to . . . "

We write from the heart, and we write through the reflections of others. Who said that?

I did, for what it's worth . . .

Cheers!

John

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