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One day even god will have to pee
By Sharp7
30 October 2008
This is a very short story, should only take about 5 minutes to read.
Its pretty graphic... 17+ only probably. (blood and death and such concepts)

Its also a first draft so sorry for typos.


"Is this the guy that will kill me?" Says Nohj
Nohj's shoulder is cut open and he can barely left his sword with his remaining hand.
"Times like this I wish i didn't use a big ass 2 handed sword -.-" thinks Nojh
He is surrounded by 8 enemy soilders each perfectly healthy.
He looks around "Well... none of them seem to have any long range weapons..."

The enemies start laughing at him feebly holding up his sword.

HAAAA he takes a swipe at one of them. He easily parrys and kicks Nohj away.

His sword falls.

"What are you laughing at... why is it taking you losers an hour just to kill me?"
The enemies stop laughing and begin to glare
"How dare you speak to us like that!"
"Your lucky we haven't killed you!"

".... Hurry the fuck up and do it already then" Says Nohj
"I swear I have never seen such pussy soilders in my life"

They kick him in his chest and he curls up in pain.

"hahaha" they laugh again.

"Oh man fuck... fuck.,.. that hurt..."
says Nohj

The enemy laughs more

"You know... I'm still not dead yet..."
says Nohj

The soilders have a quizicle look about them.

What is wrong with you the captain says.

"whats wrong with you fuckers... don't you know a kick like that can't kill anyone.."

The captain stabs his sword a few inches from Nohj's face.

Nohj glares directly at the captains eyes.
Nohj starts to smile and chuckle

"Do you know how many villages i have ransacked! How many women we have raped how many children we have killed!!?" Says the Captain

"well... last time i checked i don't really stalk random bandits.. so no?..." replies Nohj

The captain slashes Nohj's leg in fury.

Nohj squints his eyes in pain but is still staring the captain down.
The captains sword is back in Nohj's face.

"hmmm.." the captain is thinking...

"If your gonna rape the village you better kill me first.."

Nohj's heart is pounding as this goes on, but he is still resolute.

"How long have you lived here, what is this pathetic village to you?"

Nohj- "I travel from village to village..."

Captain- "Answer the fucking question"

Nohj- "a year..."

Captain- "...."

Nohj chuckles at the serious captains face.

The captain slwoly places his sword on Nohjs chest above his heart.

Nohj's eyes go wide...but then he begins to smile once again a few seconds later.

The sword slowly goes in deeper and deep

Nohj looks dully into the Captains eyes...

The Captain removes his sword... then stabs Nohj's stomach through.

The bandits then proceed to the village to begin there ransacking. Every knight is either now dead, fled, or unable to fight.

Several hours and burned houses later the captain stumbles upon a house with a man sitting, with his back leaning agaisnt the door and legs stretched out.

The captains eyes go wide.
"...." the man stares blankly

"Why are you here... i killed you"

"If you wanted to kill me you should have stabbed me through the chest."

The man barely manages to throw a throwing knife and cuts the captains shoulder.

The effert of throwing causes the man to collapse to the side.

"Are you going to finish the job this time" Says Nohj holding his bandaged but still bleeding stomach.

The Captain Stares back.

"Im a medic.. I know how to heal my own wounds.." Says Nohj at the baffled Captain.
"Oh and next time... Don't think stabbing someone stomach with a small saber is enough to kill them.. mister I've killed a billion villages."

The Captain is shocked.

He grabs Nohj's shirt and picks him up off the floar and raises him to his face.

The captain punches Nohjs wounded stomach. They both do not break eye contact.
Nohj's face is limp, hopeless, and his acceptance of death shines right through.
"I'm going to make you work for YEARS for me. You'll clean our shit, your ass will be used like a woman and we will give you the worst food and make your life the worst you can imagine"

"......I doubt it.." Nohj says

The captain throws Nohj to the floor.

They drag him away to a different man about to be killed.

"First Kill him" Says The Captain

"Fuck no" says Nohj

"If you don't kill him I'll kill you!" says the Captain

Nohj starts to laugh

"Thats right wait... im going to make you live in AGONY instead."

"If you don't kill him.. IL CUT OFF YOUR TONGUE!" says the captain.

Nohj looks a concerned...

But he refuses to kill the man and glares down the captain.

The Captain looks around, points to one of his men and orders him to kill the man.

"Do not kill him" Says Nohj

Captain- "hmmm Cut off that mans tongue." He points to the other man

The man screams as they hold him down. They then cut off his tongue and make sure to seal the wound so the man doesn't die from bleeding.

"Hold the other man down" says the Captain

Nohj Sticks out his tongue, and chuckles

They grab his tongue and wait for the captain.

The Captain stares at his knife. Contemplating...

"No.... for you... For you we will turn that face into a monster instead.."
"You sure you don't want my tongue" Nohj barely manages to say with his tongue held in place


They let go of his tongue
"Are you sure you don't want my tongue" says Nohj again.

They take Nohj away to there carts. They place him on one of them and travel away from the village.
They reach a lake.

All the soilders are washing themselves up in the lake.
"How many of you are guarding that man we took from the village?" asks the captain
The soilders get scared.

"YOU DIDN'T WATCH HIM!!!?"
Its been nearly half a day that they have left the carts.

The captain puts on his cloths and angrly stomps over to the cart with Nohj in it.

"Can I have some food please?" Says Nohj with a smile

".........." The Captain angirly stomps back to the lake.





***************************************************






"Fuck.. I'm going to die of starvation" Says Nohj as he lies in the woods abandoned.

"FUCK YES! BERRIES!!!"

Reviews

Written by Mr_E_Writer (466 comments posted) 30th October 2008
Not so much a story as a list of statements and actions. It's all tell and no show. 
He did - They did. 
Have you ever read a book written in this fashion? 
17+ is an insult to over-fives. 
 
Not for me, thanks. 
Eric.  
Hmm...
Written by pebble (83 comments posted) 30th October 2008
...I agree with Eric. A lot more showing and it might work, because the story concept itself isn't too bad... As it stands now, I found it difficult to picture the scene. 
 
I must confess, I read it because I liked the title, but upon reading, I don't understand the relevance of it! 
 
Don't give up though - I think honest feedback is very useful :)

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5054 comments posted) 30th October 2008
Like pebble, the title lured me in. I must admit that I'm not the target audience for this sort of macho sparring between alpha males, it's so easy to slide into parody and end up as farce.  
As Eric said it's all 'tell' which makes it plot driven with little or no character insight [which is what interests me] 
I admit this isn't my genre so I may be out of my depth here but I had some questions as I read:- 
Why on earth would you taunt someone to torture and kill you? 
 
As the Captain had killed so many with little concern why didn't he kill this one? 
Could do with a bit more context to give it some relevance and orientate the reader. 
There's a gory brio to this that I'm sure would appeal to some. 
cheers

Written by Sharp7 (8 comments posted) 30th October 2008
Thanks for the feedback guys! 
 
Hmm I like to have the characters actions tell about there personalities. It seems the main problem is a lack of explanation or backstory. I was hoping people would be able to figure things out but i guess i wasn't clear enough.  
 
Also to answer your question bottleblondesurfer- He didn't kill him because he didn't want to give Nohj what he wanted which was death.  
 
Nohj was depressed due to previous events and sort of lost the will to live, so the captain didn't kill him because he didn't want to give him what he wanted.  
 

Written by ellipinnock (1816 comments posted) 30th October 2008
No exposition isn't necessarily a problem but it means you have to handle what you tell the reader much more carefully. This had a very odd flippant tone to it - almost as if you were going for black comedy but as it wasn't funny the tone felt wrong. And, as has been mentioned, it's more a list than a 'story'. In fact it almost felt like a string of comic book captions. Do you read much short fiction? If not, I'd suggest that it might be a good idea - Stephen King edited the best american short story anthology for last year and it's well worth reading. Short story writing is such a specific craft that the more you can get inot the feel of how it can be done the easier you find it to develop your own voice and style (imho etc etc) 
 
Elli

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