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October 28th (3)
By no1butClo
06 November 2008

This is 'October 28th' as I intend it to be - the two halves after they are broken apart, still united by that star - not sure how well this comes across though, please input what you can - still draughting feverishly =)


On the first star since she left him
she wishes for another

to pierce the night. Alone
she stands beneath it.

Free to watch the stars come out,
the mist roll in, the sky fade
like her bruises, to the colour it was before.

She never slept in his arms,
but, on the outside,

on the first star since she left him,
she wishes for another,

that they might hold her dreams up
until the sky decides to fall.

-

It took a girl to shatter
this porcelain twilight,
perhaps a star can start
to knit the skin.

Cold enfolds his clasped hands,
numbs them like a friend,
helps him forget the silk of her hair
and feel the real again.

This terrifying freedom
must be learned; this star
remembered as the mouth
of a tunnel, his escape route

from a caved-in love.

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 5th November 2008
It was quite interesting to see a poem take shape in this way. 
The two halves have different styles but they do work together. 
Interesting to see how it develops.

Written by ellipinnock (1816 comments posted) 5th November 2008
Hi clo, 
 
This is definitely stronger with this second half. I'm not keen on the last five lines of the first half - personally I don't think the isolated repetition works and there's none of the imagery or interesting turns of phrase that characterise the rest of the piece. The star metaphor is fine but I think the sky falling in treads too close to cliche for my taste. 
 
Love the bruises stanza - works really well imo. 
 
Elli

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