Doctor: Now then, sir, what seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Smethwick.

Doctor: I beg your pardon?

Patient: I've been feeling really Smethwick since last Tuesday.

Doctor: Yes well, that's perfectly normal at this time of year. Can you describe your symptoms in a little more detail?

Patient: It feels like my Edgbaston, and I've been terribly Hockley.

Doctor: Cofton Hackett?

Patient: Yes, frequently.

Doctor: What about the - ahem! - Jewellery Quarter?

Patient: Well, I don't like to admit it, but there's this Redditch on my Lickey End that's giving me terrible trouble.

Doctor: How far has it got?

Patient: All the way from my Great Barr to my Nechells. It's giving me a pain right through my Ladywood. And my Acocks Green.

Doctor: Are you up to date with your vaccinations, sir?

Patient: Moseley, Warley and Rubery? Yes, I got them a fortnight ago.

Doctor: Well it's not unusual to be a little Pheasey after such a heavy dose. But you ought to Sandwell after a day or two.

Patient: Sandwell? I've been going down Gravelly Hill ever since.

Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it, this is the worst case of Birmingham I've ever seen! Take two of these, your symptoms should clear up in no time.

Patient: What are they?

Doctor: Milton Keynes. Clinically proven to relieve the symptoms of Birmingham since 1975. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to - ah, ah, ah - achoo!

Patient: Wolverhampton.

Doctor: Thank you. Next please!