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Poetry
The Fall
By no1butClo
24 January 2006

written in bed, having tried to sleep for over an hour.

Simon armitage says that his back disease went away because he wrote so much about it. I hope for the sake of the subject matter of this poem that this will not be the case here :P

NB, inspired by the welbexian with the insatiable appetite for...yeah, anyway :P


I peer through the black
I strain so hard to see;
a keyhole appears.

And I fall in

I tumble down, thrashed
and abuse by the branches
of the summer. The brittle
leaves tear at my skin
catching in my hair.
Frigid hands, now grip my bones.

And I fall in

to your fingers
laced, already
waiting for the catch.
warm, careworn
they snake around me
folding me into a cloud
weaving me into a cloth
with you.

Reviews
twistin' .....
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 24th January 2006
8) Wonderful twist of direction in the final stanza caught me completely flat-footed! Well done!! 
 
Brilliant wordplay to turn a bleak, doom-laden first & second stanza into a third which is full of optimism and a satisfying resolution!

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 26th January 2006
A fantastically sensual poem that leaves as much to the reader's imagination as it describes. There's a hint of Alice in Wonderland about the sensations of falling, and the refrain "And I fall in" punctuates the poem beautifully. 
 
Minor critique point (and it's one I've made before, I think! :) ) I'm not quite sure how you're deciding where to put your line breaks. In stanzas 1 and 3 they fall quite naturally, but in stanza 2 they're a bit all over the place to be honest! To an extent line breaks are cosmetic but they can help to give "shape" to the written poem and they also guide the reader's eye as to where the stresses lie. My own preference would be for 
 
I tumble down, 
thrashed 
and abused by the branches 
of the summer. The brittle leaves 
Tear at my skin... 
 
(then as it is). 
 
You get a bit of emphasis on "tumble down", and the vicious verbs get slightly more force. As currently written, the word with the strongest emphasis is "leaves", which isn't quite where my gut instincts want to go. 
 
Apologies if that looks like nit-picking. If anything, it's really just a suggestion for how to add a bit of polish to an already rather sparkly poem!

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