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By punchy
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11 November 2008 |
here guys have some angst with your coffee!
I hold my throat to help me breathe
I clench my fist to find relief
But certain pain cannot be worn
It fills us up with grief
We fight to live yet fight to die
We see our life through squinted eye
Our stomachs cannot bear the weight
so in our chest they lie
we both are one within a whole
An adult self with child as soul
repressed and broken to the stem
It lays in murky shoal
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Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 11th November 2008 | Same form, same effect. It suits the way I read. Another very good piece. Bloody sad, but effective and affecting.
Phil |
Written by punchy (576 comments posted) 11th November 2008 | thankyou. was a bit gloomy wasn't it?
I like this form too, it is easier to write
Px | Gloomy?
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 11th November 2008 | Yes, but such good writing!
' . . . child as soul . . . broken to the stem . . .'
Whooo!
Sadly to bed . . .
John X | You are in good company
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 12th November 2008 | I was wondering where I'd seen a similar verse form before and it was here:
Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now,
There isn't grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, Death!
Who's that, then? LOL
but I don't know whether this form has a particular name. |
Written by punchy (576 comments posted) 12th November 2008 | Erm? Mathew Wright, Spike Milligan, Someone from Slough?
I think it is possibly more of a song form, like a chorus pattern. I have written music before so I poss did it out of habit.
P x |
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 12th November 2008 | I can't say I really enjoyed this, but I can admire it.
As for form, it seems, to me, that the rhyme scheme is the same as a rubai, but not the metre - I like it.
Cheers | Betjeman
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 12th November 2008 | could be bloody rude at times. Though I've never been to Slough - perhaps it deserved his bile.
Angst doesn't make easy reading, and I think the decision to rhyme forced you into saying things that don't really portray what you are feeling, in places. (BreathE, I think, not breath, in line 1.) |
Written by punchy (576 comments posted) 12th November 2008 | Thank Fellpony. have changed it to "breathe", I'm always spelling that wrong.
The only rhyme that I forced was infact the last line but I get your point.
P |
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