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By espejo
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28 January 2006 |
This is really informal; just sort of a reflection on frustration in days past. It's fairly self-explanatory, and it wasn't meant to be cryptic or perplexing, just a simple statement of exhaustion. You and me,
Consistently inconsistent.
On again,
off again,
forward and back.
Another flower
devoid of petals,
and I've nothing to show
for the Loss.
The maybes have expired.
Gray mold infests the somedays,
turned colorless and surreal.
I tried to eat around it,
but it Poisoned my very soul.
The patchwork of this camel's back
is tattered and torn
by the straw that penetrated
far too long ago,
and my calloused hands,
sore from countless fix-it jobs,
are laying to rest
At last. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 1st February 2006 | | I quite like this... there's a sort of wry black humour to it which you capture very well in your imagery. I did wonder if you were laying it on a bit thick, but the accumulation of striking images sort of adds to the overall effect. There's very little here I would change, except possibly to rearrange the order of ideas in the "camel's back - straw" sequence (so that the straw comes before the camel, as in the well-known phrase) and to find a slightly more earthy way of saying "it poisoned my very soul", which is perhaps just a little bit airy-fairy compared with the rest of the piece. Good going! | Espectacular ;-)
Written by Espiral (44 comments posted) 26th April 2006 | You and me,
Consistently inconsistent.
On again,
off again,
forward and back.
Says it all.
I like the depiction of frustration in this poem, I know how it feels and you've hit the nail on the head, excuse the cliché.
You use more surreal descriptions and metaphors in your poems than most other poets I've read here, it's refreshing and alive. |
Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 31st May 2006 | | I disagree with amboline because that's just it - if you put the straw part before the camel, then that would be so old and used and besides, it fits well the way it is. Was "Loss" and "Poisoned" suppose to be capitalized?? Good job, though. |
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