I hope that this does no dishonour to those poor brave souls.
Johnny Turk held the high ground,
At Gallipoli.
Young ANZAC boys ran aground,
At Gallipoli.
Young boys became men,
And died then,
At Gallipoli.
Death rained down on them,
These brave antipodean lads.
The victims of Churchill’s folly,
And because Johnny Turk had the high ground,
And didn’t stuff around!
We haven’t forgotten them
Though near a century has past,
The generation we lost,
At Gallipoli.
They were our best,
But now they rest.
Beside Johnny Turk,
On the high ground,
At Gallipoli.
|
Written by rickxvi (24 comments posted) 24th November 2008 | A very good grasp of the type of popular war poetry of the time, couple of things however:
In the final stanza, the first two lines are too short, this takes the punch away from the final statement, "on the high ground/ at Gallipoli". If you have a long statement, then an abrupt stop, it's really the best way to draw attention to the point of the poem. perhaps add a few more syllables to line 6, to balance out the rhythm there. Otherwise a nice little poem, good subject matter, treated respectfully. | OK
Written by sutpau (34 comments posted) 24th November 2008 | Thanks for the tips and for your comments, i will revisit it with that in mind.
Cheers |
Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (391 comments posted) 25th November 2008 |
The victims of war’s folly.
Your words don't stuff around.
Good stuff about bad stuff.
Cheers.
Limey Turk. | Thanks
Written by sutpau (34 comments posted) 25th November 2008 | lol re limey, but you are right, it was a tagedy - one of many. No association implied re Turk.
Cheers
p |
Written by Phil (8698 comments posted) 25th November 2008 | Simply done - worked pretty well for that.
Phil |
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 25th November 2008 | Detatched a little too much? Simply done, but, for me, lacking emotion. Sorry.
Cheers | Lacking . . .
Written by Katanga (4072 comments posted) 25th November 2008 | . . . emotion?
Yes, I'm afraid I agree with Brett above.
It's strong stuff - but there's nothing 'actual' or 'concrete' to relate to.
I have often found this in my own poor writing - if it's abstract, it's pretty useless - if I start from a concrete real experience, then it stands a chance of being okay.
Don't be put off, though!
Cheers!
John | Thanks
Written by sutpau (34 comments posted) 25th November 2008 | | Ooops, Thanks
Written by sutpau (34 comments posted) 25th November 2008 | | I appreicaite your comments, as always. For me, it was powerful maybe because of what i know, but I apparently failed to sell that deep emotion that i feel to the reader - a good lesson! I guess that is where the challenge lies, or one of the challenges at least. Young boys, so immature, naive, and gung ho plonked on some spec of a foreign land, with good reason, or for all the wrong reasons, inadequately supported, and in a hopless siutation. With great determination and gusto they died like flies simply doing what they were told. And as the situation deteriorated still further, knowing them waht would befall them, they still kept going up that bloody hill(s). I tyred to make to make a stark poem to align with the starkness of thewir plight. Eric Bogle in his Green Fields of France and Sting in his Poppy song expresses emotion better than i can, but like i wish i could. Thanks to you all for your comments. I will learn, just slowly, i hope anyway. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
