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Poetry
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Keep Afloat
By chocomallow
30 January 2006
Life is a journey.

It may be smooth,
for you.
You might have to stop,
somewhere along the way.
To change direction or pace
if you can.

It can take you far and wide.
Perhaps you fail to go anywhere,
in your life.
Never fail, to underestimate
the power of its mysterious ways.

The way it grabs you and holds you tight,
lets you slip away, a shadow in the night.

If you struggle it will bring you down,
like a falling rain cloud in a silent town.

Best to keep afloat then
if you can.

Reviews

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 8th February 2006
I have to admit I'm not the greatest fan of poetry that tells me what to do. For me, poetry is at its best when it shows me something (of the world, of another person, of life) that makes ME think and ask questions, that draws out a response from me. Poetry where the poet directly addresses (or harangues) his or her audience is all very well at a slam or performance event, but I find that when it's written down and I read it, it immediately makes me put up all sorts of defences. 
 
My response is usually: don't tell me what life is like - SHOW me what life is like! If I can see it from another person's experience I will be inclined to draw parallels with my own life, to empathise with the emotions the poet is expressing. 
 
There are some very valid ideas in this piece. You capture a sort of existential angst which is always going to appeal to people who like poetry. One possible way of turning it from "telling" into "showing" is simply to replace every "you" with an "I" or "me". Trying this here, the result would be something like: 
 
"The way it grabs me and hold me tight, 
lets me slip away, a shadow of the night". 
 
Immediately I find this more engaging. There's a sense of action - something is happening to YOU, the narrator, which makes me interested in what's going on. I sense that you've experienced something and I want to connect with the sense of confusion that you're writing about. The poem suddenly has an immediacy which makes me drop my defences and draws me in. 
 
"Best to keep afloat then 
if I can." 
 
Suddenly the ending actually matters to me. I sense you're struggling; I'm actually concerned about what happens to you! The result is a poem which I'm much more likely to remember - one in which I feel I've been drawn in and asked to empathise, but I haven't been preached at. 
 
I hope this is helpful and that it makes sense! ;)

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