OK, had a play about with it, think this is a lot better, but will be continuing with my tweaking!
Chasing the storm
I am awed by the scene,
But separated by it.
I have no part in this play.
I hold no sway here.
The burdened night is wrenched apart,
Pouring celestial guts upon the land,
Disembowelled by a wind,
In howling obscenity.
The great pillars of blue cloud roll back,
A stage is revealed.
A hush falls,
Muffling the fear.
The sea rolls over to play the lead,
The moon peeks coquettishly before,
Night closes shrewdly in,
And the lightning begins
I can only watch this scene,
Crackling with intent,
From a seat of Eden’s making,
On this most ancient night.
|
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 7th December 2008 |
I was just about to review the first version when I saw you had posted a second. I agreed wioth fellpony that there is some mixed metaphor going on but I was going to say I really liked
"If you want to be alive,
Inhale this night,
Crackling with intent.
Inhale the beginning of time."
So you can't please everybody, I suppose.
|
basically
Written by fellpony (2677 comments posted) 7th December 2008 |
you are now only saying that you saw a storm and were amazed at its uncontrollable power. You've stripped out all the deity (fine by me) and then said things that are partly melodramatic, partly cryptic, and partly banal:
melodramatic -
all of stanza 2!
fine if you can keep it up. The metaphor is a powerful one and worth building on. The rest of the poem doesn't carry it through yet. "Howling obscenity" could work, but is a storm obscene? isn't it by its very nature natural?
Cryptic -
"muffling the fear "... whose fear? of what?
"night closes shrewdly in" ... adverbs rarely (oops) add anything to poetry. How does "shrewd" apply to night in this instance?
"a seat of Eden's making"
Banal -
in the midst of this celestial disembowelment, you have the moon being coquesttish. It doesn't really go with the melodrama, does it?
It might benefit from putting the first stanza's ideas at the end.
|
it's not bad
Written by fellpony (2677 comments posted) 7th December 2008 |
| it has a lot of good stuff in there - and you've got rid of some good things too, as Veronica says. Suggestions from us can help you to get your thoughts into a more coherent shape ... if I didn't think you could improve I probably wouldn't comment at all. |
Written by Fledermaus (4123 comments posted) 8th December 2008 |
Indeed storms are great. They can humble people and even in our nice and perfect world they manage to disrupt a lot. Somehow I don't regret it all that I (like thousands of others) got stranded last year because of one.
Some really nice images here. |
Written by wendycat (1514 comments posted) 8th December 2008 |
Thanks all for the advice, this is a real work in progress isn't it?! Its an exciting learning opportunity for me this one as I am getting to know you all through the means of a little project. I must say I am very grateful to you all for your encouragement! It is very much appreciated.
Wendy
X |
Written by Phil (8637 comments posted) 8th December 2008 |
Some good phrases. Two things stuck out for me - one already mentioned - the coquettish moon; the other, separated by the storm. Gave me a picture of you being torn limb from limb. Perhaps you meant mentally/emotionally, but still doesn't quite do it for me.
It does give a real sense of power in nature.
I wonder if a little detail about the storm's specific effects on the land or sea would give it a more concrete base. Just a thought.
Interestingly, this brought to mind one of those old oil paintings: something like Géricault's Medusa perhaps.
Phil |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
