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Poetry


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just a past

By Degari

11 December 2008

just a past

it is the past, just a past
rolling around our feet
far behind our will

traveling around the world
for a pay off
off the road
on a train
with the whistling ears of grain

but just a bulky pack of old records
under my arm
a whole lot of turmoil to my accounts

it is cold, it is dark
but your little socks still in my hands
warming my feelings

a lullaby a song, i utter
like a touch on the water

it is the past, just a past

Reviews

Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 11th December 2008

I said of your previous piece that it was a little abstract for me. Perhaps I should have said it lacked concrete images. I could almost say the same of this, but the line: but your little socks still in my hands does add a solid image to the whole to enhance the work. Still a little opaque. I guess this means a lot to you, but it still doesn't communicate to me. That line though, does pull me in.

Phil

I very much . . .
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 11th December 2008

. . . like the lines:

'a lullaby song, I utter
like a touch on the water'

but I would take away 'i utter' and 'like' to leave:

'a lullaby song,
a touch on the water'

But it's your poem . . .

Cheers!

John

Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 12th December 2008

I agree with Phil's comments on this. There really is nothing for the reader (at least this one) to relate to.

I think the writing needs a lot of polish, but again Phil has picked up on the one line that I think could show promise.

Cheers

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