I was observing some adolescent shoolchildren while I was returning home on a train.
I composed the first version as I watched then wrote it down when I got home.
Not long after I heard of the verse form Pantoum and thought it worth a try to convert the original to that form.
I am ambivalent about both the original and the rewrite which I found extremely difficult though I like to try restricted forms.
On a train
Thick legged schoolgirls in their brown Doc Martens
Swishing their hips in their school's hunting tartans,
Lolling by the door , lacking in poise
Hoping to attract the stares of the boys.
Those boys , each armed with a half-drunk Coke
Laughingly raucous with their latest joke
Displaying themselves , bolder and bolder
By punching each other on the shoulder.
Every day's journey , always the same
Preliminary moves in the mating game.
Newer version -- now called1
Schoolgirls’ Journeying
lolling by the door , with no vestige of poise
thick ankled schoolgirls in their brown Doc Martens
hoping to attract the stares of the boys
flicking the skirts of their uniforms' tartans
thick ankled schoolgirls in their brown Doc Martens
on a daily adventure , but each day the same
flicking the skirts of their uniform's tartans
beginning first moves in the mating game
on a daily adventure , but each day the same
casting quick glances over the shoulder
beginning first moves in the mating game
seeking responses that are bolder and bolder
casting quick glances over the shoulder
tossing back hair with deliberate strokes
seeking responses that are bolder and bolder
inflaming desire that coyness provokes
tossing back hair with deliberate strokes
hoping to attract the stares of the boys
inflaming desire that coyness provokes
lolling by the door , with no vestige of poise
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Verse - and worse!
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 1st February 2006 |
Hi, Patterjack!
I'd never heard of Pamtoum before, so I goofled it before responding to your post! 
Your offering is set out more as a 'prose' piece (as opposed to in lines as I would try to set out a poem) and reminded me of the 'stream of consciousness' technique used by eg. James Joyce.
Some of the notes on the Google entry suggest a fixed number of lines (and even syllables) which made me think of the Japanese haiku verse form.
There was also a suggestion that the Pantoum is a form of writing which should be set as a "penance" (though what diabolical offence might lead to such a punishment wasn't very clear!  )
Interesting idea, though. My first impressions are that this is a way to concentrate the writer on squeezing the last drop of mileage out of a small nugget of inspiration, describing a detail in any number of ways without repeating a word or phrase which has been used in an earlier line: an excellent intellectual exercise! |
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 1st February 2006 |
| As Bagheera says , this is two poms each in a regular verse form -- and I do not know why it appears as it is above . The version in the my work section is as i should be . |
Formatting probs
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 1st February 2006 |
PAtterjack, you appear to have fallen for the same problem I've had, which to a non-techie like me has been explained as "invisible formatting tags".
Certain aspects of standard MS [Microsoft] formatting (especially if you're using "Word") conflict with pre-determined formatting on the GW site. Apparently you can avoid many (if not all) of the potential pitfalls if you try writing an entry using Wordpad or Notepad instead of MS Word - I haven't tried this yet, so I can't say how effective it is!
There's some [free!!] downloadable software I found through a recommendation on this site which I have used and can vouch for. It's called "Rough Draft" if you want to look it up abd try it .... |
thanks
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 1st February 2006 |
I appreciate the help-- trouble is , I am on an iMac OS X
I may have hit a wrong button somewhere too ! |
Written by pianist93fringe (3 comments posted) 2nd February 2006 |
Liked the first version a lot reminded me of WH Auden's "The Night Mail" http://www.newearth.demon.co.uk/poems/lyric206.htm the pantoum left me cold.
Wondered if the rhythm could be tightened in version 1? Fewer words can say more. Would you consider removing 'their' from line one, 'their school's' in line two, 'Those' at the start of the second stanza and 'By' at the start of the second stanza's last line.
A well observed brilliant idea.
 |
Liked it.
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 8th November 2006 |
Super opener Brian. I wonder if you refine your delivery of the pantoum format in a later work.
I enjoyed the poem as a poem, the pantoum thing just seems to have a lot of repetition. Silly me.
Another journey is embarked upon.
Oli |
liked it also
Written by 1leggedswan (9 comments posted) 15th December 2006 |
I find structured verse like that incredibly hard to write without losing the core of a poem, so i've great respect for anyone who can pull it off. A lovely neat, dry humoured poem.
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