|
By patterjack
|
|
02 February 2006 |
Trying my hand at formatting-- in the simplest possible way !
A rewrite of a piece of prose
It seems that a fourth line of the first quatrain has gone missing in one version
I am trying again-- for about the fourth time !
If it does not turn up , the line reads :
ticking away the time of their young lives Little boys live in a time of shining knives
a time made sharp and hard by stones and sticks
when all the world is clockwork and it ticks
ticking away the time of their young lives
Little boys breathe through a cloud of living steam,
throb with the engines of an aeroplane:
their arms move with the precision of a crane
their eyes reflect their world's metallic gleam.
This is a world that they accept on trust
not knowing that the brightest metals rust
that engineers are killed when boilers burst
in iron coffins scalded men are hearsed
who once like perfect engines throbbed with life:
that blood will dull the edge of any knife. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 8th February 2006 | There's a very "classic" feel to this which I rather like. The subject matter conjures up images of steam trains and old industrial plants, and combined with the structure of the poem, it transports my imagination back a good sixty years or so!
I'm sure you're aware that the rhyme structure varies within the poem (it's ABBA in stanzas 1 & 2, then CCDDEE in stanza 3). Was it a conscious choice to finish the poem this way, or did it just sort of happen?
Also, there are a couple of places in the earlier stanzas where the rhythm varies slightly. Most of the poem keeps a very steady iambic pentameter (te-tum te-tum te-tum te-tum te-tum) but in lines 1, 5 and 7 the rhythm does seem to stutter a bit.
Minor details, really. Your descriptions are really evocative and there's a fantastic atmosphere to this piece. I like it  | Edges
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 8th February 2006 | Thank you. Your comments are much appreciated
It is an intended choice of rhyme scheme -- a slight variant on the Sidney / Shakspearean sonnet forms
The metre also uses trochees and anapaests as well as iambs , though it is mainly iambic pentameter.
I tried in the sestet to rush the rhythm along to produce a double volta with the last line.
| Another worthy piece...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | Very evocative. I like the last line - a fine denouement.
Oli  |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
