For my best friend's son Cai (that rhymes with guy for anyone who is unsure).
If Cai won't close his eyes on Christmas eve,
whilst frost on roofs is cracked by reindeer hooves,
what festive dreams shall he hope to achieve,
not sleeping, only wishing the moon removed?
Whilst frost on roofs is cracked by reindeer hooves
just think those beasts shall have to spend the night
not sleeping, only wishing the moon removed,
yet still will do their duty till the light.
Just think those beasts shall have to spend the night
awake beneath the stars, expecting snow,
yet still will do their duty till the light -
how else would Christmas morning have a glow?
Awake beneath the stars, expecting snow,
what festive dreams shall he hope to achieve?
How else will Christmas morning have a glow
if Cai won't close his eyes on Christmas eve?
|
I hope . . .
Written by Katanga (3558 comments posted) 22nd December 2008 |
. . . .your best friend, and his son Cai, get to see this.
Bugger technique - this is something else!
Tears in my eyes, will have to revisit . . . .
Oh, whooooooof
So much admired - I shall return to this like an old-aged song . . . .
John X |
Written by Josie (3994 comments posted) 23rd December 2008 |
| Very good Brett. Only one small thing: the plural of roof is roofs. What a stupid language we have!! hooves is correct. Whoever sat and thought of these silly things? A very happy Christmas and your poem is excellent. |
pan
Written by fellpony (2676 comments posted) 23rd December 2008 |
in pantoum ... I like the idea of the mythical beasts flying about the sky doing their duty in spite of the little boy not going to sleep. Like the villanelle, the repetitive quality of the pantoum is hypnotic; I hope it does the trick tomorrow night.
I didn't mind your alternative plural myself. I still use older past tenses such learnt and dreamt (pronounced dremt), more often say "hoofs" than "hooves" (and believe me, as a Fell pony this is a word I use a lot, though it's often easier just to say "feet!") and I get pulled up with "modern" spellings proposed by some junior reviewers. Whatever rhymes and is in the OX DIC will do me, I'm not proud. |
Written by coosh (1126 comments posted) 24th December 2008 |
| Enjoyed most the atmosphere you created through sound and image. There was a sort of echo to the frost being cracked by the hoofs, giving the feeling of a very crisp and clear night. Coupled with the repetitiveness, and its association with trying to get to sleep, I found the piece thoroughly enjoyable. Pantoum, I had to look up, although it did lead me to a parody of Eliot's book of cat poems, entitled "Old Wossname's Book of Assorted Swine", the quality of which I cannot vouch for. Cheers. |
Written by Fledermaus (4123 comments posted) 24th December 2008 |
| And there's a nice irony in the last line, for indeed, romantic as his dreams may be, how can they become true without him falling asleep? A funny idea, delivered charmingly. |
Written by Phil (8637 comments posted) 24th December 2008 |
Lovely last verse. (The rest wasn't bad either) Seems like a tricky form. Did you start at the last and work from there?
Phil |
Magical
Written by wendycat (1508 comments posted) 28th December 2008 |
| Thoroughly enjoyed every poetic morsel. Made me wish I was a child again and could believe, instead of bah humbugging my way through Christmas! |
Thanks to all who commented
Written by Brett (2371 comments posted) 29th December 2008 |
Phil - Yes and no. As the pantoum states that the first line shall also be the final line, and its strict order of repetition, I usually write down the line twice when it comes to me (line 2 in the second stanza, line 1 in the third and so on) then try to fill in the gaps and make sense. I know that such forms are not for everyone, but I think with the appropriate content they can work (they seem easier to write when you're pissed! Remember the Pisshead's Pantoum...?)
Wendy - It was my bah humbugging that made me think I should try a change of mood. Thanks.
Cheers |
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