Gone the comfort of the sunwarmed rock
that drives the blood anew after the cold
of late September nights.
Lying there on the chill of concrete pavement
White belly now upturned , legs struck askew ,
a touch of dark blood where a giant’s foot,
striking from uncomprehended space,
has split the flesh.
Not even the shed tail saved it nor the speed
of fear-driven four small legs dashing for crack and shelter.
Incurious at first I gaze, and then ,
touched strangely by this small death , I find
a purple lasiandra flower , fallen close
and aptly coloured for a mourning cloth
to lay the tiny body in its shroud.
Inevitably now , the ants will come
marching in long funereal procession
delicately removing flesh and scale,
themselves perhaps to soon become
the victims of another crushing foot.
Vale , you tiny ones, so soon gone
into the longest darkness of them all.
The giants too must come to this
So-- ave atque vale-- we will join you soon.
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Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 8th February 2006 |
Mmmm... You have an interesting turn of phrase and a very distinctive writing style, as I've noticed from a few of your pieces now. I almost get the feeling from your work that I'm reading material from an early 20th-century poet, it has a very different "feel" to the contemporary stuff that I'm more familiar with. My main critique point here is that in a couple of places the descriptions feel just a little bit overloaded. "Fear-driven four small legs", "long funereal procession", and a few too many adverbs. The images are strong enough to be vivid with a slightly more subtle, less wordy, touch. "Touched strangely by this small death" also seems unnecessary - the mere fact that you've written a poem about it tells us that you were "touched strangely" so it doesn't really need to be stated! The introduction of Latin into the last-but-one stanza is also a little bit early, especially bearing in mind your use of it in the last line; a "farewell" or "goodbye" is eloquent enough here. But the last line is magnificent! |
Dead gecko Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 8th February 2006 |
Thank you . I was always prolix . Explanation -- not excuses -- follow *Strangely touched * is meant to contrast with *incurious* But the double Latin tag was deliberate: a farewell , and then its application with both a hail and a farewell from the *giants* |
Written by no1butClo (341 comments posted) 16th October 2006 |
I love that line "fear-driven four small legs dashing for crack and shelter" It's like you couldn't get the words out quick enough, as the gecko couldn't run fast enough. I wish I could say something more coherent, but this is a beautifully inventive piece, I like it lots clo |
Touched... Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 |
By this PJ. I once wrote something similar about a dead fox on the motorway. The poet's soul shines through - the importance of small things. I can't fault the style, the words or anything really. I haven't the skill anyway, and don't wish to have it. I like to read with childish eyes and react from the heart. I think you write in that way, though maybe your methodical skill at building such a masterpiece just gives that illusion. I hope by the time I'm your age I have come close to your level of talent - but that I doubt! Oli |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 16th October 2008 |
Love the close-up on a seemingly insignificant and largely ignored event/moment, which suddenly takes on far greater importance in the eye of the beholder. The flower was a beautiful touch. Almost like a nature film imbued with classical, philosophical and ceremonial overtones. Great title – also, good name for a rock group, or an unusual restaurant. Excellent.
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Golly Moses , coosh Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 16th October 2008 |
Did this turn up in the blue column at the side ? It seems ages since i wrote it -- but I did put it onsite soon after doing so. In fact ,it was a return to writing verse after a long long dry spell --and , perhaps to the regret of some , I have continued to write since I hope that I have developed , but i do have a soft spot for this work. Thanks for the reviving in me of nostalgic moments . There are lots of geckos around our dwelling place -- and they are always welcome for their sinuous skittish beauty. patterjack |
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