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By zee666
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03 January 2009 |
I watch you, my dear,
Ever so often from afar.
I sit on a wall, or bench
In a bush, or my car.
I see you wake up,
Fresh for the new day .
I see you dress,
How I wish we could lay.
You walk so gracefully,
About here and there
Dress oh so tastefully,
And yet, without care.
Yet you ignore me, my dear.
Ignore me without heart.
I have my knife, my dear,
Now we must part.
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Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (391 comments posted) 3rd January 2009 | Yo, zee.
I think this would work much better as prose. The rhyming narrative would add much weight to the psychotic mindset of the voyeur.
I watch you, my dear, so very often, and from afar. I sit on a wall, or bench, lurk in a bush, or survey you from my car. I see you wake up fresh for a new day. I observe you as you dress; O how I wish that together we could lay. You walk so gracefully, my dear, whether here or there. Dress oh so tastefully, and yet, seemingly without care.
But you ignore me, my dear, disregard me without heart. I have a shiny knife, my dear, and so now we shall part.
But as it is, the poems half-plus-good.
Cheers.
Turk. | What's prose
Written by zee666 (128 comments posted) 3rd January 2009 | What's prose?
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Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (391 comments posted) 3rd January 2009 | 1. language that is not poetry.
Writing or speech in its normal continuous form, without the rhythmic or visual line structure of poetry.
Although in this case you can ignore: Without the rhythmic structure of poetry.
Best,
Turk.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 3rd January 2009 | What's prose?
Ans - The reason I don't write poetry
cheers | Smile
Written by katejayne (24 comments posted) 3rd January 2009 | Oh i wish we could lay
made me smile a bit.
Kinda cute, but some of the rhymes are a bit forced. |
Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 4th January 2009 | | Creepy... Whatever he's going to do with it, the knife doesn't suggest a happy ending. I think that it works well as poetry especially because of that, for who is going to be hurt? | Liked it
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 4th January 2009 | | Liked it, especially 'I have my knife my dear/and now we must part' I get the feeling that this psycho voyeur is about to use the knife to sever their ties. |
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