A sense of inadequacy rubbed me up recently with the high quality of recent work posted. It also buoyed and inspired me to attempt a more structured piece. Re-worked following the helpful reviews.(v.2)
Incensed
The stale and sweet and sickly stench of your
last night’s perfume which permeates my room
makes my stomach wrench and disappoints
my fading hopes already on the floor
was worn to light the eyes of men, of bar
and tavern dwellers and storytellers
alesome gents and meading fellows a long
way off from where they came to take a jar
with bulging eyes and throbbing pocket
lust driven (not in disguise) pretending
that their prize will not be ending tonight
but claim the right to share your locket
as you lie part asleep knowing I’ll find
that you grind the peppermills of my mind
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Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 13th January 2009 |
| So... He prefers a kitchen princess? It may well be the reason why women find it hard to find Mr. Right, for Mr. Right expects Miss Right. |
Sonnet attempt is...
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 13th January 2009 |
certainly more structured - and though the form has been strained and stretched the past through years, I can see you are trying to stay true to the original.
Whilst there are some admirable phrases (love the internal rhyme of 'and tavern dwellers and story tellers') the metre does falter - of course this can be intentional when reflecting a poem's meaning or image, but I do think here that you would gain by keeping a steady metre. It is not the syllables that count, but the 'natural' stresses.
Also the archaic poetic terms ' 'twas ' , and possibly 'whence' are seen as anachronisms now (sad, I know).
Despite my technical picking I think there is the making of a worthy poem here (and rewriting is more rewarding than it sounds) - I like the image of grinding the peppermills of someone's mind.
Cheers |
clever title
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 13th January 2009 |
and a brave attempt at the sonnet form. I agree with Brett that the inverted verbs can easily be turned into something perfectly understandable in more modern phraseology:
last nights perfume does permeate my room
my stomach it does wrench and disappoints ...
can easily turn into
last night's perfume permeates my room
wrenches my stomach and disappoints ...
There are some really effective images and cunning internal rhymes (eyes/prize).
In the last couplet I think you might mean "lie" not "lay". Well worth a bit of polishing. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 13th January 2009 |
"of bar
and tavern dwellers and storytellers
alesome gents and meading fellows"
was lovely.
I also would recommend steering away from "twas" and as recommended by fellpony, if you can find a way for not using "does" in "does permeate" and "does wrench" that would be good too, because the word "does" is only there as a makeweight for the metre and doesn't sound like a natural piece of speech in this context.
Good work!
|
Polish
Written by penstroke (429 comments posted) 14th January 2009 |
Thank you Maus, Brett, Sue and Veronica for the reviews and critiques.'Twas well received ! My pride will eventually get round to taking a back seat and I will then offer up a polished version with your sound advice worked in. I do appreciate constructive criticism (eventually) Thanks.
Clifford. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 14th January 2009 |
I liked this, there was a good narrative flow which always makes a poem more readable to a non-poet.
I don't know why you resorted to old Shakespearean words and terminology. Wouldn't it be better to use the English words and idioms that you use everyday, as Shakespeare did in his time?
Just a reaction
cheers
jane |
Grrr..........
Written by penstroke (429 comments posted) 15th January 2009 |
| ........cannot seem to amend that line break on third stanza. It looks OK on Word and when pasted into box. |
REALLY like
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 15th January 2009 |
this new version. definitely 3 stars ***
(re the line space: try pasting the text into notepad first then copying from there into GW?) |
Thanks Sue...
Written by penstroke (429 comments posted) 15th January 2009 |
|
Thanks Jane
Written by penstroke (429 comments posted) 17th January 2009 |
| I don't really know where the archaic terms come from. My best guess is to do with reading poetry as a child, seeing them there and thinking they were important or critical to the work...or maybe I just wanted to appear clever. I guess by exposing them (what is probably in my sub-concious mind) and getting feedback has enabled me to put a new value on them. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 17th January 2009 |
For me,this version was much more successful. The narrative was just as strong and much more easy to follow without losing any of it's lyricism
cheers
|
Written by timothypaulvogt (21 comments posted) 16th April 2009 |
Me??......i loved the *archaicisms*, added a smile to the corner of my mouth amidst the wrenchings of my heart......
big fan of Pathos, bitter sweet, humour and pain.....
also loved the 'flexible' metre, a fixed state is mathematics, life dont work like that and nor do my emotions...
out of YUM ! and YUK !
this gets a YUM !
thankyou very much
tim.
amidst |
Thanks Tim..
Written by penstroke (429 comments posted) 16th April 2009 |
..it's nice to get a review (especially a YUM) for 'older' work.
Thank you,
Clifford. |
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