The essence of spring is in the air, Sparkling promise everywhere, New beginnings, fresh starts, Glowing smiles, and hopeful hearts. The singing housewife cleaning out,
Last years mess and piles of doubt,
Clearing space, room to grow,
Mornings bright, no more snow.
Dew drops glisten in the pale sunlight,
Beautiful flowers are in sight,
A budding season, of rebirth,
Pleasant sounds, upon the earth.
The essence of spring is in the air,
Sparkling promise everywhere,
Birds twittering, in the sky,
Sweet fresh air, a satisfied sigh.
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Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 16th February 2006 | This is a piece with a very warm feeling to it; the rhyming couplets give a light and airy feel which is very suitable for the subject matter. I particularly love the last line which is very evocative. However I do feel that there's room to work on some of your descriptions. Saying that flowers are "beautiful" or that sounds are "pleasant" is all very well, but doesn't really create any images or sensations for the reader to identify with - as these are basically value judgements on the part of the poet. So one suggestion might be to take each of these adjectives and think about them like this:
(1) Why have I called the flowers "beautiful"? What is it that attracted me to them? If it's the colours, what do those colours remind me of? (yellow daffodils: spring sunshine, fresh butter, molten gold, etc. etc...).
(2) Do these associations evoke any memories for me, as the poet? Do I love daffodils because my mother used to pick them and brighten up the house with them when I was a small child? Do I love them because I have a spring birthday and they remind me of parties, celebrations? Or were they the first flowers that somebody ever bought me, the first time I was in love? There will be rich seams of reminiscence here that are very personal to you (and so will make a unique poem) but which the readers will be able to empathise with.
(3) Now write down these ideas. See which of them connect logically to one another (e.g. 4 different ideas about daffodils could constitute one verse, 4 ideas about birdsong could be another).
(4) Now see if you can work those ideas into the poem using the rhyme structure and metre that you've chosen. If you can't: don't be afraid to try a different rhyme structure or even to abandon it altogether. In the best rhyming poems, rhyme works to enhance the music of the words, but it's all too easy for it to become a constraint, that forces you to choose particular words because more poetic words wouldn't fit the rhyme scheme.
I hope these comments are helpful - I look forward to seeing more of your work on the site! |
Written by neh205 (23 comments posted) 16th February 2006 | Thank you for your comments.
I see your point about exploring the sounds ect in more detail, and i may actually do this but i think it would have to be as a seperate poem.
This poem for me was not about stamping my personal opinions of spring on the reader but hinting at aspects of spring to allow the reader to imagine their own personal experiences and thoughts.
For example the pleasant sound for me would evokes images of new-born lambs, birds and wild life while to another person it may make them think of the sound of gentle rain.
I am glad you like the 'warm' feel and the rhyme to this poem, this was by main objective in this poem to get the feeling, the 'essence of spring' and i think this works better with a simple insight into spring rather than trying to delve into it or make it too complex. I think the rhyme enhanced this poem rather than being a constraint, but i can see how it could be viewed as too cliche.
I hope the poem conveys a sense of renewal and being refreshed.
Thank you once again for your comments, they have been very helpful and made me think about a different approach i could take to this subject. As i said will work on these ideas so watch out for a new post and you can let me know which verson works best! | No problems!
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 17th February 2006 | At the end of the day, poetry is very subjective. I have no more claim to know "which version works best" than you or anyone else, although I'm happy to offer my opinions as to which I prefer and why!  I prefer poetry that gives me something from inside the poet, but which has strong enough connections to the world I know that I can empathise with you as well as be fascinated by what you're saying.
As you say, this poem could be a starting-point for such a lot of new material - I look forward to seeing where you can take it from here |
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