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By grace
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09 February 2009 |
Captive oak and elm moan in torment.
Sadistic gale tears at the boughs
flayed in vain defence.
groaning branches meet the Devil's howl
to haunt the forest night.
Leaves flee in golden waves,
where flung to sheltered earth
they huddle close in trembling drifts,
restless in the gusty threat.
Creatures hide in pitch thick dark.
shiver deep beyond the weather's lash,
silent in the Devil's roar
and cherished warm in Nature's cowl.
Then anger spent and torment's thirst now slaked,
peace returns to soothe an Autumn dawn
and there,
beneath the victim branch and leaf,
lie seeds that sleep untouched
and waiting. . .
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Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 9th February 2009 | Much to admire here, Pam. I like 'Captive oak and elm', not too sure about 'writhe' (their trunks don't - and the branches you describe later. Perhaps I am being too picky). I love 'groaning branches meet the Devil's howl/to haunt the forest night.'
I like the image of the leaves fleeing in a 'golden wave' and those fallen as 'trembling drifts' - wonderful. Also the animals of the forest 'cherished warm in Nature's cowl'.
I like the in the final stanza your line break placing 'and there' as one line, I am not usually impressed by such short lines, but this gives the stanza a dramatic pause - effective I thought. I do feel that your repeated 'waiting' is redundant, I believe the final stanza enough.
Enjoyed
Cheers |
Written by Christopher (12 comments posted) 9th February 2009 | Hi grace. I thought this was an interesting idea for a poem. When I first read it, something sat awkwardly with me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then it occurred to me: in personifying the trees, their boughs flayed in vain, their leaves trembling in the face of the wind, you make vulnerable what is more conventionally a symbol of strength. You reduce behemoths, the much more typical 'mighty oak' and 'towering elm', to mere captives moaning in torment, and I found this perspective original and oddly engaging.
I thought the poem read well, and the only line I didn't really like was: 'Then anger spent and torment's thirst now slaked', which sounds... slightly bulky. I'd be interested to know whether you intended for each line in the second stanza to end adjective + noun: golden waves/sheltered earth/trembling drifts/gusty threat? I can't quite decide whether this is a strength or a weakness in the verse.
Like Brett I particularly enjoyed the 'Nature's cowl' image.
Chris  |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 9th February 2009 | Christopher has put this in perspective for me. There was something I couldn't place here in my reaction - and it was (as he says) the vulnerability of symbols of strength. Yet it works. Everything comes to an end, even if it takes a long time. Third vote for nature's cowl.
Phil | Great imagery
Written by meadowcroft1964 (244 comments posted) 9th February 2009 | | I like Brett enjoyed the imagines in this work. Not being a scholar I am unable to comment on form but found it a captivating read |
Written by MattHews (215 comments posted) 10th February 2009 | The imagery is powerful and evocative - very good writing! But, lacking in any discernable metre and with no rhyme scheme, surely, this is 'poetic prose' rather than verse? Whatever ~ I enjoyed it.
Compliments ~ Malcolm |
Written by grace (298 comments posted) 10th February 2009 | Hello Brett,
I greatly appreciate your generous comments on this piece. I agree with your concerns around the first line and I have altered it accordingly, I do hope you approve the changes. I also accept that the repeat at the end may have been too much, so that also is no more.
You are very kind to take so much trouble with this review, thank you very much indeed.
Hi Chris,
thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind comments. I'm so pleased that you feel the 'different' perspective works for you. I'm sorry to say that the structure of the second stanza is pure chance and is that way simply because it sounded right to me. I fear I have no academic to speak of.
I will ponder the line that concerned you if I may before I consider changing it. I am however very grateful for your thoughts.
Hello Phil,
I'm so pleased that you enjoyed the slightly different slant that prompted this poem, thank you so much for your kind words.
Hi Meadowcoft,
thank you very much for your lovely comments. Like you, I am no expert on form but I am so pleased that you enjoyed this.
Hello Malcolm,
I certainly agree when you call this poetic prose rather than verse but I'm delighted that you enjoyed it and I do thank you very much for your generous comments.
My warmest wishes to you all,
Pamx | Hi Pam
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 10th February 2009 | my opinions are merely that - mine, but I am humbled that you acted upon them. I think the poem is improved, would be interesting to see other members' comments.
As for 'poetic prose' I have to respectfully disagree. Surely this earns the title of free verse. No metre or rhyme does not mean no poetry - look at the assonance of 'flayed in vain', the complimentary use in the second stanza of 'earth' and 'threat' (unintentional I imagine, but the effect is almost a perverse combination of reversed consonance). The third stanza - 'pitch thick dark' read that aloud!
Cheers | Loved it
Written by basin76 (41 comments posted) 18th February 2009 | | I love things about nature. I'm sure i'm a bit of a hippy at heart. I love pieces that put images and feelings in my head. I loved it. |
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