Fine day to yous all.

As one many years joined in Holy Matrimony to Herself, I have often been drawn to share the secret of the longevity of our union. Simplicity itself, I say. Remember the sound advice of our celebrated hero, Mr Terence Mc Sweeny, God rest his soul, going to his death : It is not those who can inflict most, but those who can endure most who will triumph.

I say this not in any spirit of rancour, but by way of explaining how it is I come to be in Mr Big Joe Meehan's 'Liquorama and Drinking Emporium' amongst those of .......ahem...low aspiration, not normally companions to an acclaimed man of letters.

The Corner Coves. Man o' letters!? Yous fat ol' souser, yous is never out o' th' place an' th' only letters yous ever laid claim to has Final Demand written all over 'em! An' while we is on th' subject o' demands, that's th' third time we've stood yer glass. We demand to know if yous has a hole in yer pocket; or is that a pig we've just clocked flyin' past th' window?

I shall ignore your puerile impudence and proceed; for I am addressing here an audience infinitely more erudite than gobshytes the like of yourselves, to whom, I must confess, I am here having slipped my moorings under sentence from Herself of a visit from her sister from over Clanfooty. One of seven, like the devils of Apocalypse, each one worse than the one that went before, candidly I cannot stand the woman. She is the kind of professional practising stickybeak whose nose is forever immersed in other people's business and whose ear is persistently likewise lodged where it can hear no good. It is more than I can do to be civil to the old trout. Though, in fairness to her it has to be said her making me a fugitive from my own home has put me in advantageous thought of a similar ghoul who also gave a man cause to shun his hearth. I speak, of course of the instructive parable of a certain cat. No ordinary cat, mind. But the gaunt and greedy criminal creature who oiled its way into the life of Mr Tip O'Toddie, the gentle and harmless carter of Loughknocknagreen Cross, and who blighted the lives of all with whom it came into contact..........Ahem......ahem.....AHEM!

The Corner Coves: This tale sounds worth a punt.

Big Joe, see. Our Seanchai's hoarse.

Fill up th' man's glass an' let his tongue take it's course!

Yourselves is most kind. Slurrrrrrrrrrrp!..........Burrrrrrrrrrrrph!............Ahem. Where shall I begin?

The Corner Coves : Try th' beggin'. It's usually a handy place as any an' it saves us havin' t' stump up f' you're snafflin' another sclog b' havin' t' explain youself at the finish.

And so I shall. By observing that when it comes to speaking of animals I speak from experience and am therefore, a man getting down to business with the least possible monkey business. As opposed to monkeying about the like of some those whose names I shall refrain from mentioning. 

Take Mr Charles Darwin, for example, lately figuring in The World Over The Water, the well known inventor of elocution and as grand a gob as could be come by. Known, I am informed as CD to his friends-......-.and subsequent to the publication of his seminal study of animals, '57 Varieties' , you could count the lot of them on the fingers of one hand .He was at pains to persuade an unwilling public of the natural order of the way beasts sort themselves out. I met with him and he expressed to me the frustration of getting the point across to a public less than taken with the idea that one of the recently removed relatives of the Bishop of Oxford was a bare arsed baboon. I had occasion to offer my sympathy and support

' Tish, tish, CD', I tells him.  'Use it or loose it!' The whole of the Darwinian Theory of  Electrocution galvinized at a stroke! Give it to them short and straight and they will be nibbling nuts out of your hand before you can say 'Don't feed the monkies! ' God's Loafin' lizard, Connolly, ', he tells me ' But you're the very vitals of a clever fellow, mister, and no mistake. I'd have given twelve months paid holiday in the Galapagos to have thought of that. Why, here's your man slavin' over pages of print to tell a tale and you have it tripping off the tongue smart and swift as that same lazy lizard gobs his lunch!  

The Irascible Editor of the Creative Folk's Website : Connolly, you gormless buck eejit, where is this pityful drivel leading? You are supposed to be telling a story and so far for the price of four drinks we have had no story; no beginning and  no end. We are all asking if there is any cheese in this sandwich? If not have the good grace to provice something toot sweet that an educated man can get his teeth into.

The story..? Aha.. yes. Now, where was I?

The Corner Coves : If yous don't know, God help the rest of us.

 I was about to tell you about a cat. No ordinary cat, mind. But an extraordinary cat. A dark demonic critter for whom no intent was too venomous; no act too vile. No fireside friend of soft fur here; but a true animal. Just as CD would have us believe. Grown from the spoor of Satan's soul and fashioned on this earth to kill or be killed without mercy.

Let us begin now as the sun from out  God's furnace rose to part the night sky and turn all the rooftops to molten bronze. A day like as not with no mind but to mingle undisguised from any other. But hold now. What a day. A day on which a creature crept from the shadows to.......

Proprietor Mr Big Joe Meehan : Hey Connolly! Time t' leave over th' tall talkin' an' grease yer arse off o' that creepie. Shags Slattery's stamped th' place an' he says he's moments passed Herself headin' down here wi' her warpaint on. Th' feelin is there's no talk o' prisoners.......Are yous lookin' t' stay alive man?

Too late listeners! Caught out by the hourglass Your Seanchai must away, fast! For I fear the falcon falls upon it's fleeing prey. Should you wish to learn more of this mean spirited moggie, you may, of course, purchase an advanced copy of my 'Big Book of Big Bad Bastards ', O'Doggerel Publications. Price, short of a shilling, from any disreputable bookshop. Especially those with blackened windows for the use of adults.My compliments to yous all. If Herself drops by do tell her that I am away out helping to build churches.  

The Irascible Editor of the Creative Folk's Website : No beginning! No story! Four drinks down and we now have to pay!! God's butt, I'll go bail for this one! It's about as sneaky a scam as I've ever had loosed on the kind people of the Creative Folk's Creating Site. Connolly, you pie eyed shyster! You pull a stroke like this again and you're off this site, mister, with my bucking leather boot behind you!!  There isn't even an ending!!

Ending!?

I'll take my rest of you now with this tale at a pause

I've my thoughts on this matter but I'll leave you to yours.

Your kind invitation to give food for thought

Has provided you wisdom that cannot be bought.

Beginnings? Conclusions? They're not always best

When you need to keep talking. Try saving the rest

Of any smart riddle you trip from the tongue

To tickle your hearers. And make it last long

After glasses are emptied and the fire has burnt on.

That way they keep gassing well after you've gone.

 Then you get brought back to settle the show .

You cook up one story and make twice the dough!

Forget any finish! The end's for the birds.

No point winding up when there's money in words!

The Corner Coves : We salute you Sweet Seanchai. Here's one last toast

To the drink on the bar an' the cheque in the post!

Here's health to our Seanchai! Now go on your way.

And may the Chieftains of Erin walk with today

SLAINTE!