This is part of a comedy series I am writing with my brother. The series is called 'fasten your seat belts' and set at an airport.
Episode One
First Food Counter Scene:
[Posh looking man and woman standing in queue to the food counter]
Woman: Oh darling I can't wait unit we get to Geneva.
[Nose in air, woman looks at Tanya, Tanya looks back slightly bemused]
Woman: Uhem
Tanya: Wot?
Woman: Do you sell caviar?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaa ........... we do fishfingers.
Woman: Oh well that will have to do then. What drinks do you have?
Tanya: errrrrrrrr
Woman: Any champagne?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa........... got fizzy water
Woman: Ok fine.
Tanya: That it?
Woman: Yes it is thank you.
[Tanya punches till]
Tanya: Money! [holds out hand]
Woman: oh can't I use my multi-platinum, super doper gold members card?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa..........Money!
[holds out hand]
Woman: What do you mean I can not use it?
Tanya: Machine broke [points at till]
Woman: But I don't carry cash! [aside to husband] filthy habit!
Tanya: We take Euro.
[puzzled look on face]
Husband: Let me take care of this dear. [writes out cheque and hands over]
Tanya: [looks] Machine broke.
Woman: [to husband] get Hans dear.
Tanya: We don't take hands already had a coma plaint about feet!
Husband: [looks in despair] He's our butler
Hans: Yes madam.
Tanya: Moneeeeeeeeeeey [holds out hand impatiently]
Woman: Just do it Hans. [Hans holds over money]
Tanya: Machine broke.
Woman: Good grief, I hope the plane's not broke! [all three walk off haughtily]
|
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th February 2006 |
| Sorry.I don't know how to put this delicately, but if you thought this was funny I fear you might have a problem with humour. Leastways the sort of humour that get's laughed at. The script is lame and the punchlines frankly, don't work. A comedian will be forgiven anything-bad taste, drunkeness, serial homicide, etc as long as he or she is funny. When the comedian is not funny the comedian becomes the joke. You ever seen Cannon and Ball? Mind you there is more than one person made a career out of being excruciating. I am not saying you are that bad, but please, before you try to script a joke, make sure there is a joke to script! |
Written by Spinsky (8 comments posted) 20th February 2006 |
I'm afraid i'll have to agree with gerardconnolly on this one. The punchline never came, and the character of Tanya was frankly awful! But if there is a good place to get constructive feedback its here! Don't take it to heart, just learn from your mistakes! I have a script called After-Life mix-up, it's by no means wonderful, but give it a read and see what you think!
People seem to steer away from my writing when it comes to feedback! Do i smell? |
thanks for the comments!
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 20th February 2006 |
I am glad that you thought the character of Tanya was awful, as that is how she is meant to come across!
It maybe wasn't the strongest episode to show first and the series is better as a series rather than sketches. Like I said in the introduction I had trouble conveying the humour onto paper and i think the humour wsa more in the accents and the way things were said as to any particualar punchline. If anyone has any constructive critiscm on how to do this? perhaps i need more stage directions ect..........
the series is by no means finished so i will definately take both comments into consideration and make the scenes a bit more bulky and try and add in more of a punchline effect.
In my mind everything has potential you just have to work at it.
Any more for any more????  |
Make ' em laugh.....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th February 2006 |
Glad you took it well.
I'm not sure I agree with your analysis but you are spot on in seeing comments as constructive. Forget about stage directions, accents etc. Problem is you haven't got a joke. Find yourself a joke and then inject some foul language and serious bad taste. You'll be surprised. It never fails. OK you may get banged up but there's free internet in most of our prisons today and inside you'll meet some 21 carat comedians.
Keep smiling Lovely Boy, even when the audience isn't. That's the trick of the tail.
Slainte!
PS I don't really think that's what Spinsky meant by 'awful'. |
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 20th February 2006 |
i dont quite agree with your view i dont think comedy has to have bad language to be funny!!!
for me i thought the characters were a 'joke' but obviouly not..............
i will work on this scene and let you know how it goes. i will at some point post some other scenes from the episode so please let me know if their any better!
it was a first attempt i havent written anything in the way of a script before but not giving up!
what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!
thanks for your comments once again!
|
Keep smiling.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th February 2006 |
Well done! I shall look forward to it .No one can fault your spunk.
Always remember when reading reviews: Murder is a way of showing someone you care.
Also when you have five minutes look up the word irony.
Best of luck |
Sorry
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 20th February 2006 |
Sorry, but I gotta side with the boys on this one. I see nothing wrong with the scenario, just the ending. I was expecting a gag or great line, but it never came.
Don't give up, it will come light a flash of lightening one day whilst your sat having a shite or something. |
Kool
Written by Dude (2 comments posted) 21st February 2006 |
I thought it was quite good!
I liked Tanya shes a lazy, impatient bitch! exactly wot u get in fast food services!
I like these lines....
Woman: [to husband] get Hans dear.
Tanya: We don't take hands already had a coma plaint about feet!
and
Woman: But I don't carry cash! [aside to husband] filthy habit!
Tanya: We take Euro. [puzzled look on face]
Both classic lines.
I also see weres he/shes coming from about the accents, for instance Little Britain. "Computer ses no" i wouldnt find that funny if some one sed that to me, its the way its sed!
However
not much there, also a bit cheesy some lines like...
Woman: Do you sell caviar?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaa ........... we do fishfingers.
Woman: Oh well that will have to do then. What drinks do you have?
Tanya: errrrrrrrr
Woman: Any champagne?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa........... got fizzy water
|
Prize
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 21st February 2006 |
| A horse shit sandwich to he/she that can end this off best for brook_rivers. Between members we can put this one to bed. |
Hows about this...?
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 21st February 2006 |
Hi brook, I am guessing with Tanya she's supposed to be a dumb Mancunian, or similar.
Maybe once the husband tells the wife he'll handle it, he could then switch to an equally dumb, slow, 'common as muck' accent with plenty of 'luv's' and 'bugger's' in there. Between he and Tanya they sort the bill, leading the snobby old cow to tell her husband "Oh darling, how incredibly clever. I never knew you spoke working-clarss!"
Husband then reverts back to snobby accent; "Little trick I picked up in forces, dear."
Just a suggestion?!? |
Buckin' Awesome!!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
This is the best idea you have had to date , Lovely Boy. I am definately going to enter this competition. I can see the guy's posting being overwhelmed with hits! Ol' Brook's gonna be famous f' 15 minutes. Though not quite in the way he intended. He's a grand guy though an' takes the jossin' well. I've got a marvellous piece o' skitter I did a while back from a rejected script about Michael Barrymore's buddy takin' a dip. I need to think, but it just might fit here if I can clean it up.
Well done.
|
Game on
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
Standing by with a large bap and a shovel.
Do you want fries with that?? |
great a competition!
Written by neh205 (23 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
I can see where Dude and Brook are coming from with it being character based. I think the idea is there but like givitsum & geradconnolly say it just needs that extra something.
I like the idea that the husband turns on a working class accent that would fit well 
I will have a think and see if i can add any twists to it!
In general this is a great idea by givitsum and i think a lot more people would appreciate this being done to their reviews, and it would work especially well for the comedy posts!
|
thanks for all the interest!!!
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
wow! Im amazed at the amount of reviews on this one!
The competition is a good idea! I have been working on other scenens in the episode so will give this one another go!
thanks dude and neh205 for your advice also.
glad its got potential!
 by the way 'brook' is not actually a guy! |
Competition
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
Grand Man Givitsum. This has got to be the best craic on the site. Let's help dear ol' Brook out of a hole here.
Here's my pitch:
PRODUCER'S CONFERENCE 2.40
OK Bedsit Boys and girl. On at 3.00. I've a 90 second wedge 12/16 lines max to take us to the News. You've got the float in front of you. Some wannabe called Brook Rivers sent it in. Connolly?
Connolly. Right. This is how I see it, right, toss man. TANYA is the big fat slag from Hell on the checkout. Two TOFFS rock up and we wind down to the floor swapping shit in couplets. Trigger Word is 'Pudding'. Which turns Tanya into The Incredible Hulk. OK?
Producer: I'm likin' it.
Connolly: I'm learning and I'm earning. Next off the feckin' giant flesh mountain gobs the pair of them and they end up staring out from the fresh meat counter like what's left of a couple of decapitated stiffs. Stab line is: How long have you been selling Penguin meat?
Producer: Nice slack. Now. Need some words, Boys and girl. Need some words..........
Over to you Creative people........
|
reply
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
| thanks for the idea but at the mo im prefering givitsum's version. Its more in context with the original. I think yours is slightly off track although I can see how it would be funny with the dialogue.................... |
reply
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
| thanks for the idea but at the mo im prefering givitsum's version. Its more in context with the original. I think yours is slightly off track although I can see how it would be funny with the dialogue.................... |
Something.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
Dearest Brook,
Forgive my impetinence f' thinkin' yous was a man. It is beyond forgiveness to trespass where the heart's gate is locked.
And by the way, how is it you come to have an obscene legion of suitors around yer site an' the finest craic on the site?
God bless,
Slainte! |
Hardy in the house
Written by King-Hardy (4 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
This is Brooks Bro here [by the way shes not called brook]
Im loveing givitsum's idea! Brill!
When i get the other fast food sketch typed ill pop it on here, so keep ur eyes peeled! [It probably be called Fast Food - Parmazan and cheese]
Anyways thanks for the feed back! |
Updated Version
Written by King-Hardy (4 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
[Posh looking man and woman standing in queue to the food counter]
Woman: Oh darling I can't wait unit we get to Geneva.
[Nose in air, woman looks at Tanya, Tanya looks back slightly bemused]
Woman: Uhem
Tanya: Wot?
Woman: Do you sell caviar?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaa ........... we do fishfingers.
Woman: Oh well that will have to do then. What drinks do you have?
Tanya: errrrrrrrr
Woman: Any champagne?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa........... got fizzy water
Woman: Ok fine.
Tanya: That it?
Woman: Yes it is thank you.
[Tanya punches till]
Tanya: Money! [holds out hand]
Woman: oh can't I use my multi-platinum, super doper gold members card?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa..........Money! [holds out hand]
Woman: What do you mean I can not use it?
Tanya: Machine broke [points at till]
Woman: But I don't carry cash! [aside to husband] filthy habit!
Tanya: We take Euro. [puzzled look on face]
Woman: [to husband] get Hans dear.
Tanya: We don't take hands already had a coma plaint about feet!
Husband: [looks in despair] He's our butler
Hans: Yes madam.
Tanya: Moneeeeeeeeeeey [holds out hand impatiently]
Woman: Just do it Hans. [writes out cheque and hands over]
Tanya: [looks] Machine broke.
Husband: Let me take care of this dear.
Yooooooooo. [holds out hand for high five] don’t leave me anging here gal
[they high five]
So then me and me bitch are wanting to pay for this shit love
Tanya : Yeee
Husband : So u gunna take the money or not then
Tanya : Yeee [Takes money]
Husband : Thanks, see ya later hun
Wife : "Oh darling, how incredibly clever. I never knew you spoke working-clarss!"
Husband : [snobbish voice again] "Little trick I picked up in forces, dear." |
Updated Version
Written by King-Hardy (4 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
[Posh looking man and woman standing in queue to the food counter]
Woman: Oh darling I can't wait unit we get to Geneva.
[Nose in air, woman looks at Tanya, Tanya looks back slightly bemused]
Woman: Uhem
Tanya: Wot?
Woman: Do you sell caviar?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaa ........... we do fishfingers.
Woman: Oh well that will have to do then. What drinks do you have?
Tanya: errrrrrrrr
Woman: Any champagne?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa........... got fizzy water
Woman: Ok fine.
Tanya: That it?
Woman: Yes it is thank you.
[Tanya punches till]
Tanya: Money! [holds out hand]
Woman: oh can't I use my multi-platinum, super doper gold members card?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa..........Money! [holds out hand]
Woman: What do you mean I can not use it?
Tanya: Machine broke [points at till]
Woman: But I don't carry cash! [aside to husband] filthy habit!
Tanya: We take Euro. [puzzled look on face]
Woman: [to husband] get Hans dear.
Tanya: We don't take hands already had a coma plaint about feet!
Husband: [looks in despair] He's our butler
Hans: Yes madam.
Tanya: Moneeeeeeeeeeey [holds out hand impatiently]
Woman: Just do it Hans. [writes out cheque and hands over]
Tanya: [looks] Machine broke.
Husband: Let me take care of this dear.
Yooooooooo. [holds out hand for high five] don’t leave me anging here gal
[they high five]
So then me and me bitch are wanting to pay for this shit love
Tanya : Yeee
Husband : So u gunna take the money or not then
Tanya : Yeee [Takes money]
Husband : Thanks, see ya later hun
Wife : "Oh darling, how incredibly clever. I never knew you spoke working-clarss!"
Husband : [snobbish voice again] "Little trick I picked up in forces, dear." |
Its coming...
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
Better! I do agree with Dude though about the caviar.
Maybe her request could initially be smoked salmon? Fish fingers is more the working man's smoked salmon that the working man's caviar.
Fizzy water? Maybe Sprite? 7-Up?
Also, prior to her initial line about Geneva, perhaps a quick glance round and a comment along the lines of "Good Lord, what a ghastly place. I can't wait to get to Geneva"
Now we're cooking on gas!
I'll ask Tanya to keep the horse shit sandwich on the hot plate till the weekend. |
for Mr. Connolly's scenario
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
How's about this...
Tanya has gobbed 'em, as you said.
Lady toff stands and asks hubby 'Darling! Are you going to defend my honour?
Hubby: "Yes dear, I ain't 'pudding' up with this'
boom-boom
Flash of light and the fat slapper's the Hulk!
Pass the ketchup. |
Its getting there!
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 23rd February 2006 |
I think the fish fingers and fizzy water bit can be worked on still, liked givitsums alternative!
Theres still something missing though! something needs to be added at the end. am working on it.
any fresh ideas fro people who havent yet reviewed this one!
Im amazed that we are up to 23 although there does seem to be some duplication of a few comments!
I think this is the most reviewed post iv seen so far? am i right? holding a record?!!! and mr connolly i have no idea how it happened although i must say i think uv got something 2 do with it!
|
Is the cheque in the post?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 23rd February 2006 |
Whatever I do I do for art! Though a cheque would be nice. Have the good grace to ensure it is not drawn on the Ulster Bank as I understand there is nothing in there since the Bhoys boned the place.
Slainte! |
Tis' true
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 23rd February 2006 |
You are right Ms Rivers. You have achieved cult status. Theis is review 26, far and above the best for Feb. Also, your hits exceed 100 in under a week, probably helped by all the reviews.
I think once the snobs exit they're done. Any final piece of humour has to be at the hands (or expense) of Tanya, the miserable little tart.
|
another comment.........
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 24th February 2006 |
Mr connolly I hope you are not expecting a poor little writer to splash out lots of cash to you!! coz she has none!!!  although i do advice you to cause a little disturbance amongst the tranquil Village of Great Writing by robbing the stash there. apparently in that imaginary little world they are a lot richer than us mere mortals and have plenty to spare!
as iv said elsewhere love tanyas involvement in the Village of Great Writing!
Havent had time to get the final version typed up yet but will do!!!
|
Tanya
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 24th February 2006 |
| Tanya has earned cult status in the village. She's an icon, a star that other imaginary mortals can only cyber-dream of someday emulating. |
... Tanya
Written by King-Hardy (4 comments posted) 25th February 2006 |
yep, agreed
and shes got more episodes to come, which i will be posting soon! |
new scenes coming soon to a virtual town
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 25th February 2006 |
Yep me n king-hardy been working on a few more skeches for fasten your seatbelts please. we have a few new characters we hope that you will take to your hearts with as much repulsion as Tanya!!!
|
pick of the week
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 27th February 2006 |
absolutely thrilled that this is pick of the week!!!
Most updated version here combining everyone's ideas:
[Posh looking man and woman standing in queue to the food counter]
Woman: Look at the state of that dirty thing its appalling.
Husband: apparently it’s the fashion with youngsters these days
Woman: [in a loud, boastful voice] Oh darling I can't wait until we get to our amazing brought-for-cash-view-of-the-river-apartment in Geneva to celebrate our nuptials.
[Nose in air, woman looks at Tanya, Tanya looks back slightly bemused]
Woman: Uhem
Tanya: Wot?
Woman: Do you sell caviar?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaa ........... we do salmon n its on fire or sumink
Woman: oh smoked salmon?
Tanya: Yea
Woman: Oh well that will have to do then. What drinks do you have?
Tanya: errrrrrrrr [she mutters to herself ‘wot a couple of poses they’re gunna be asking for a horse shite sandwich any minute]
Woman: Any champagne?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa........... gotta bottle of plonk
Woman: sorry?
Tanya: lambrini its called, like 7up duh!
Woman: Ok fine.
Tanya: That it?
Woman: Yes it is thank you.
[Tanya punches till]
Tanya: Money! [holds out hand]
Woman: oh can't I use my multi-platinum, super doper gold members card?
Tanya: Naaaaaaaaaaaaa..........Money! [holds out hand]
Woman: What do you mean I can not use it?
Tanya: Machine broke [points at till]
Woman: But I don't carry cash! [aside to husband] filthy habit!
Tanya: We take Euro. [puzzled look on face]
Woman: [to husband] get Hans dear.
Tanya: We don't take hands already had a complaint about feet!
Husband: [looks in despair] He's our butler
Hans: Yes madam.
Tanya: Moneeeeeeeeeeey [holds out hand impatiently]
Woman: Just do it Hans. [writes out cheque and hands over]
Tanya: [looks] Machine broke.
Husband: Let me take care of this dear.
[to Tanya] Yooooooooo. [holds out hand for high five] don’t leave me ’anging here gal
[they high five]
So then me and me bitch are wanting to pay for this shit love
Tanya : Yeee
Husband : So u gunna take the money or not then
Tanya : Yeee [Takes money]
Husband : Thanks, see ya later babe
Wife : "Oh darling, how incredibly clever. I never knew you spoke working-class!"
Husband : [snobbish voice again] "Little trick I picked up whilst I was inside dear."
[Cut to woman looking horrified, she clearly didn’t realize her husband had been banged up]
|
Fetch me the pills!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th February 2006 |
It's coming. Like Methusela's Last Christmas. My feeling is there are about three sketches in here. All competeing to blot out the other. THE THING'S ABOUT AS SLICK AS NAILING A BLANCMANGE TO THE CEILING!!.
God! This is like dragging a stonemason's cart uphill. I really, really, really don't get you two. If this appeared within five hundred paces of a scripting conference NEITHER OF YOU WOULD EVER WORK AGAIN!
Perhaps it might be better to stick to poetry. My sincereest apologies, but in fairness to your time and my sanity, I've got to be straight with you.In scripting you are either funny or dead. Frankly, dear children, you are at present dead. In fact, very dead. In fact you are both more dead than a three week bonehouse stiff. Go to the dictionary. Look up Humour. Its under H. Then discuss with your amateur dramatics confreres exactly what it means. If any of them mentions a wet patch in their drawers, lasoo them and interrogate them. It's your only hope. |
comment
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 28th February 2006 |
ok so you don't quite get it, like i said right at the very beginning it is more visually funny. But if its messing with your sanity i am sorry, it's a first attempt! we did have a few positive comments so it cant just be us!! & iv promised no more. will concentrate on poetry and village of great writing from now on!
brook |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3329 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
| Brook ,I think you have missed something. Why don't you just put Gerardconnelly into your script as the snotty but clever butler instead of Hans and just pinch all the stuff he has written. ...NO why don,t you make him the central character,he could be a cross between Jeeves and Basil Fawlty (no offence there Gerard!) Now you have a really funny character to work with. The archetypal sitcom hero is someone not at home in there own world but unable to escape it. (again, no offence Gerard) |
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