As I am reviewing others I thought I had better put my money where my mouth is. Again only a short extract. Also since this has been taken by RTE I have witheld the real punchline and halted at an appropriate point. I still think it gives enough to make a judgment .
Now that th' Bhoys is stood down. it's good to see them gettin' into a proper line o' work.
Without wishing to state the obvious, its for the Radio, emphatically after Nine O' Clock. It's what I would describe as Humourous. And what the over educated toffee nosed Trinity gobshytes at RTE prefer to term Scurrilous. But it would be a dull world if we all agreed.
ALL ACCENTS HARD BELFAST/WEST BELFAST
PHONE RINGS. SOUND OF CALLER IMPATIENCE
FEMALE VOICE] Welcome to the Irish Republican Army Customer Services Helpline.
If you have a touchtone phone, please press the star button now. [ BEEP. FOLLOWED BY HUGE DISTANT EXPLOSION AND SOUND OF SHATTERING GLASS AND MASONARY ] Right. That's got shot o' the' Cocksuckers Castle f' starters. Now, so that we can answer your enquiry as quickly as possible, please choose from one o' the following options.
For the name and address o' your nearest Safe House, PRESS ONE.
For fresh supplies o' Semtex; spares for Lybian Army Rocket Launchers; balaclavas and baseball bats, PRESS TWO.
To tell us you have paid your bill f' the Protection Insurance---or be gettin' a doorstep f' King Kong's Older Brother, PRESS THREE.
If you have information regarding one of our operations, please remain silent. VERY, VERY SILENT, and one of our Active Service Units will arrange a housecall.
And to register with our Friends and Family Recovery Service, PRESS FOUR.
[ BEEP. FOLLOWED BY FEMALE VOICE AGAIN] Welcome to the Irish Republican Army Missing Persons Helpdesk.
I am sorry all our agents are busy at the moment sortin' the lippy wee stoolie what's bin grassin' up our boys on th' Bogside. However your call will be answered as soon as one of our Punishment Squad is free. [SOUND OF SCREAMING, CRIES FOR MERCY, BEATING AND DRILLS ]................We are sorry we have still not been able to answer your call. Our Gunmen are aware that you are waitin', but the snivellin' bastard what's gettin' what's owin' t' him is takin' an age t' lie down. [ MORE SHOUTING, SWEARING, MURDEROUS GUNFIRE, BLOOD CURDLING HOWLS ]............We are sorry that it has still not been possible to answer your call. Your call is important to us and you are movin' up the queue of them what's gonna get feckin' well sorted. Please continue to hold. [ JINGLE OF FRIENDLY MACHINE GUN FIRE. MUSIC, JOHN McCORMACK, GALWAY BAY ]
'If go across the sea to Ireland,
Seeking out the shits what shop the IRA;
You'll find them floatin' gentle in th' moolight,
Chained up to RSJs 'neath Galway Bay.'
[ JINGLE OF MACHINE GUN FIRE.THEN ADVERTISMENT FEMALE VOICE.......
Did you know The Irish Republican Army is a leading provider of personal and household insurance? If you didn't, yous thick bastard ,we recommed yous wise up now or be facin' up t' a lengthy spell laid up in th' Bonehouse. To hear more about how t' avoid them accidental kneecappin's; that flukey firebomb through yer livin' room window; or the bad luck o' havin' th' wife an' wee ones took off an' held hostage, contact PROVO PROVIDENT PROVISION. And to make payment easy, we will debit your bank account without yous even knowing dicky shite about it. Or you may pay by cash after bein' battered braindead in a crowded place without any bastard seein' a feckin' thing. Altenatively, simply hand over your wallet when one of our boys sticks an AK 47 down your infant's throat. Remember the PROVO PROVIDENT POLICYHOLDER PROMISE : 'We don't just know where yous live......That's our van wired up outside!!' PROVO PROVIDENT PROVISION.....Takin' good care o' yous.....Whether yous like it o' no.
[ BEEP. CUT IN STRONG WEST BELFAST MALE VOICE
Irish Republican Army Missin' Persons Helpdesk. Mad Dog speakin'. Hows can I help yous?
[ CALLER FEMALE RELIEVED] Och Mad Dog, I'm well glad I caught yous. Mrs Queenie Shankhill- Butcher here f' over Killfenian Close. I'm after findin' out what's bin keepin' my boy Gusty. He went over Th' Pope's Bar down th' Ardoyne f' a shindy, an' we haven't seen him since
[ VOICE ] That right , Ma. How long ago was that?
[ CALLER ] Ten years. We're well worried over 'im.
[ VOICE ] Let me get me head round o' this one , Ma. One o' yous Billy Blowboys drops down th' Ardoyne f' a chinwag. An' yous is expectin' on seein' 'im again? Hey. Let me guess. F' his party trick he pissed on th' Tricolour while singin' God Save Th' Queen ?
[CALLER ] Och! That'd be him! He was always a terrible tease! But 'course he wasn't stupid. Went in disguise. Lovley cossie. Got it up th' Joke Shop.
[ VOICE ] Disguise!? That's some smart stroke, Ma. What disguise?
[ CALLER ] Commander in Chief O' the RUC.......
SKETCH CONTINUES.......
|
Mr. Diversity
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 21st February 2006 |
Top o' th' mornin' to yous. Thats my kinda humour. No gags, just good ol' piss taking. You should lend your keyboard to the comedy side more often. Good Crack.
Good luck with the RTE thing. |
Thanks
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd February 2006 |
Many thanks.
I left you a message after my 'Cloven Hoof' piece in Short Stories. See whay you think. Later I'll get down to havin' a good gawp o' your new scripts etc. I'm off to TESCO now with Herself. She has no idea I am a billionaire Hollywood scriptwriter. She just thinks I use the computer for ordinary things like child pornography, international terrorism and that sort of stuff.
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E-mail
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 23rd February 2006 |
To those of you who have sent me a private e-mail about this piece, I promise I will reply, but I must make it clear that sadly I cannot discuss my relationship with RTE. Frankly it was a mistake on my part to divulge that.
Sorry. |
sorry
Written by bright-eyes (6 comments posted) 28th February 2006 |
| sorry i know the other review was positive, but i didnt find this very funny. All your posts seem to follow the saemsort of theme, and lots of violence, do you have anything different you could post?? |
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st March 2006 |
Thank you for your time and words.
I do take your point but as a professional writer I write for the market and I know what sells --or I don't eat. In fairness, like Hotspur, I eat all I kill or go hungry. Though I have been eating well for some time now. I post things up on this site to gauge reaction its free and spontaeous and probably pretty acuate when people respond with construtive criticism. I can well understand the reaction being mixed. I would be suspiciouis were it not. But I do appreciate your taking the time to be honest. I will seek your work out and try to be as helpful as I can be.
In answer to your question, yes I do have a large body of other work in various stages of casting, coference or acceptance. I use the site mainly for comedy as that is my most substantial earner.
Thanks once more. We'll talk again some other time. |
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 4th March 2006 |
First thanks for your review.
I thought counter-poising, a call centre against a modern version of the Vikings was brilliant. Somehow no matter how abhor(r?)ant what was being said was, the Call Centre drove one over it.
You were a juggler but somehow all the balls were kept in the air.
A fantastic and original read.
To show the sheltered background that I have had, I've no idea who or what RTE are. But that's comes from living in Bishop's Stortford,
Brian |
Ta.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 4th March 2006 |
Many thanks.
RTE is Ireland's State Radio and TV Service, Radio Teilifis Eireann, like the BBC.
To me Bishop Stortford ia a huge and buzzing cosmopolitan melting pot. I live the geriatric fiefdom of Saffron Walden !!
Regards. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 15th March 2006 |
| I notice this has had 250 hits and 7 reviews. Don't know what that says,perhaps you are just scaring the bejasus out of people. I thought it was funny, though |
Correct.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th March 2006 |
Mmmmm. Yes I think you are probably correct. My guidelines as a professional writer who, like Hotspur must ' eat all he kills or go hungry' are --If everyone likes what you do; be suspiscious. If everyone doesn't; don't be disheartened, but do keep turning up early for the Day Job. If, however you provoke a mixed reaction-- and the more polarised the better-- you have probably fetched up the fabled five legged filly. Seems to have worked so far in my experience.
In fairness I also I do think that large numbers of people who simply dip their toes in the water despite being site members, have problems commenting on other people's work in case some bastard puts their balls in the toaster or their tits through the mangle, to offer a balanced PC view. Thankfully you seem to have no problems in that respect which is why I am grateful to you and spend the time bothering to reply.
Slainte! |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3133 comments posted) 16th March 2006 |
I'm not surprised to know you are a "pro" You have a facility with words that I'm sure some find intimidating
Most of us here are enthusiastic amateurs
"If everyone likes what you do; be suspiscious. If everyone doesn't; don't be disheartened," that is probably good advice (but it means JK Rowling must fecking paranoid) which I will take to heart. and by the look of the mixed reviews here the five legged filly (and I do hope you mean a horse!) is yours for the taking |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 24th August 2006 |
Well, you referred me to it, but the title was eye-catching enough and I'd already planned to read it.
It grabs your attention right from the outset - the idea of the explosive opening has already grabbed most of the audience - and the button selection stuff is really well put together (I have a vague memory of (apologies in advance for the foul language) Patrick Kielty doing a more dilute version of something similar back in the days when I recall TV here venturing to dip its toe into this area).
In terms of criticism, I think there's an overload in certain areas (the whole paragraph after the "JINGLE OF MACHINE GUN FIRE", although funny, I was waitin' for a break) - but then again, I've no real idea of how the finished product will pan out.
As to the reason why you referred it, I think it's simply more crafted, polished and punchier in the right areas...whatever the scurrilous gobshites at Trinity might say.
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Hope that helped
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 25th August 2006 |
I hoped that helped. And thanks for your comments alongside, coosh. You are right. The finished article was somewhat different.
I suppose the point is use every trick you can lay your hands on. If its a gag keep it moving vary fast and what ever you do keep throwing out the lines as you head to drop your audience right off the cliff top. Other than that, easy really. Can't think why others don't do it.
Slan! |
Thank you
Written by JasonDJ (16 comments posted) 25th August 2006 |
I enjoyed this very much, as another reviewer has pointed out, your use of language marks you out as in a different league to the other writers I've come across so far on the site.
I hope you'll forgive my ignorance of the situation in Northern Ireland, but I imagine publishing this isn't as dangerous to your personal safety now as it would have been 15 years ago. Nevertheless, it strikes me as a brave piece in its treatment of the subject, and making humour out of a topic that will seem beyond the pale to many.
I also feel I must end with an apology - I imagine my feedback is not that helpful; the main reason I want to say thank you is that I feel reading (and attempting to critique) this piece will improve my writing more than it will improve yours. Thanks again. |
Good writers all...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th August 2006 |
Hello Jason.
Just caught this. You really are very kind. And an accomplished respose to boot.
Have a look too at mishmish, Bagheera, Woody, Jean Day, Wattle and Kevg. Also Patterjack rattle-spear, No1ButClo, Mike Morris [ a real Irish wag] , Bottleblondesurfer and Givitsum, amongst others. An ecletic list, but all representative of some real quality on this site.
My conpliments to you.
Slan!
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Hey yer man, comedic genius!!
Written by Talisker (1300 comments posted) 7th September 2006 |
This popped up in the randoms. For my money brave, funny, well observed, sharp, poignant, just bloody brilliant really.
I owed youze one for the school assembly any howze!!
Tiocfaidh Ar La!
Oli the Tim
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Gallows Humour
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 7th September 2006 |
It's the way I tell 'em, Lovely Boy.
a na Gaeil!
Slan!
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Outrageous!!
Written by flook123 (35 comments posted) 7th March 2007 |
Oh Yes!
Another fantastic piece of biting wit. And such super delivery. I would love to hear the real punchline. If its anything like the rest of your work its bound to be outrageous. You really are the most original writer I have come across on this site.
Lance |
Really confident writing.
Written by saracen (10 comments posted) 20th April 2007 |
I missed this little gem first time around. I understand that is only an extract but I still found it very funny. Its the use of the venacular that does it for me. I also would love to read the whole thing. You seem to write with such confidence but then if you do it all the time I suppose you would. Somehow despite being full of slang it seems to read really eloquently.
Enjoyed it.
J. |
Ta.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 13th May 2007 |
Yup. Call Centre's always good for a hoot. Can't stay away from them. Some people actually work there you know. Imagine!
Thanks again.
Slan! |
RTE Broadcast. Priceless!
Written by flook123 (35 comments posted) 24th May 2007 |
Saw this on RTE last night!!
Feckin' brilliant!!
Changed a lot but the punchline was super. Gunman pulls his cock out and slashes all over the stiff! He gets off the murder rap but does twelve months for Indecent Exposure!! ' Cause this is Ireland an' we is decent Christian people!!'
Wonderful Gerard!! YOU WICKED BASTARD!
Lance.
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Gerard, well done!
Written by Bagheera (679 comments posted) 24th May 2007 |
..... can't think how I didn't pick it up first time around, but this was a really funny read today!
I'm also sad I didn't take the opportunity to watch this on RTE last night: it would have been far more entertaining than the (very!) boring football match involving (yawn) Liverpool and (yawn,yawn!) AC Milan .... I was in Dublin airport waiting for a connection for about 4 hours during the early evening!
Can't please everyone, though 
I showed RHD to two guys last week who described themselves as a Director and a Producer. Neither of them had a kind word to say 
Look forward to more of your anarchic absurdities!  |
The B'hoys
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 25th May 2007 |
Many thanks Paul. My apologise for so long a visit to the site and all my old friends. The thing went out without my knowledge but it was good RTE broadcast it, ' Warts and all' as Cromwell would say. Sadly I have to report that there were 34 complaints subsequent to transmission. A great testament to the boast on RTE ' Keep it decent. The Pope's Listenin' !!'
I will PM you over the holiday and thank you for yours.
Slan!! |
Direct Hit!!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 25th May 2007 |
Thank you Lance.
It went out without my direct knowledge. RTE own the copywright so they can do that ipso facto. That's what you get when you work by syndication. I have some reservations about the format but; Hey! What the Hell!! Two thousand smackers!!
Slan!
PS No sorry. I can't lend you that £500. |
Irish Mist
Written by libbylaw (7 comments posted) 8th June 2007 |
Gerard, I missed this. Lance says it was sometime around the end of last month. I have tried to PM you. What was the date? I would like to hear it.
Libby. |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 17th July 2007 |
If this is broadcasted on RTE, the troubles must be less of a taboo in Ireland than I thought they were, but then, if I may believe what the media are telling us, they're more or less over, with Paisley and McGuiness drinking tea together and ruling that region of which I still don't know what its proper, politically neutral name is.
It doesn't seem to be Europe's Gaza strip anymore at least.
I imagine that the person who picks up the phone the first time is the same as the woman on the tape? If so it's brilliant how the accent changes. |
Irish Missed?
Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 17th July 2007 |
So, flook the scriptwriting student from the UAE in Norwich watched it on RTE in Ireland, whilst Libby law the out of work actress missed it (so presumably she’s in Ireland too!!), but wants to know when it was aired so that she can hear it retrospectively!!!
Do the Irish do television repeats on the radio, or is libby not all there?? Or indeed not there at all!!
Irish missed or Irish mist? It’s all Irish to me.
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GUN LAW.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 18th July 2007 |
Lovely to hear from you again, Old Mouse. I often see your postings on the site and they always strike me as stimulating and worth reading. I am ashamed I have found so little time to respond.I thought it at first strange our paths should cross again over this piece after all we have written. But I know only too well of the shadow your country has cast into the grim pantheon that is Ireland's past. Perhaps it is appropriate you of all people on this site should be last to choose to comment on this piece.
As my youngest son's student friends have already made clear this piece is a done deal. And my thoughts are long since elsewhere. Interestingly, however, when Cromwell is delivered up I am toying with doing something rather more ambitious on the subject of my country's bloody past. I grew up on our farm in rural Galway amongst a family--and community--with a gruesome Republican history. And I have long thought of committing that upbringing to paper, so to speak. Problem is, unlike the spot of amusement above, talking about the B'hoys for real is a rather more delicate matter. And emphatically so when you still have a network of friends amongst them. It is no accident that threre has been no serious recreation of militant Irish Republicanism since Ernie O'Malley's 'On Another Man's Wound' over fifty years ago. Let's just say I'm thinking about it.
Mind, I shouldn't need to worry too much. As a Galway farmer's son I grew up easy with a culture of guns. And regularly use them myself. There were more guns stacked in our farmhouse than fucking Fort Apache. I learnt to shoot at twelve and owned my own rifle on my fourteenth birthday. In fact I am quite happy to admit I love guns and still own firearms quite legally. You see I kept to Collins' infamous mantra: ' Keep your head. Keep your counsel. But above all, keep your guns'. Listen. What irony. Wasn't it Cromwell said the same thing. ' Trust in Him who made all things whole. Yet keep you still your pistol where it may be handily had'.
Small world.
Slan! |
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