Very, very loosly based on the MCR teenagers but mostly on my own experiances!
I'm sitting here with blood on my hands. But please, take that metaphorically.
I'm also sitting here crying on the floor. Now that's something to take literally.
You and me, you and me and her, you and me and her and him.
You, me, us, them, this street, this area, this country, this continant, this world.
I know that many others must feel like me. You know it too. It is very much common knowledge.
But does it make it any easier?
The sun is setting on just another, other day. And the sky is looking so cool. Honestly.
It's all colour. All red and orange and pink and purple and blue.
I sit here and watch it alone, watch this beautiful, natural thing happen alone.
And I can see it, I can feel it, I can sense it as it hits me.
Wave after wave after wave.
Drowning me, this is when I wish that maybe I should have taken some swimming lessons.
The drowning and the hard to breathe, suffocating thing.
And the tears never stop rolling down my face.
If I were wearing make up, I'm sure my mascara would be running. I wouldn't know though.
I've never been a make-up wearing person. Or an immaculate hygene person. Or a hair person. Or a stylish person. Does this make me wrong?
Is it wrong that I don't look like many of you, and that I wouldn't want to either?
I am constantly being watched, we all are. It's not paranoia, this is just another common knowledge.
When I believe that I am crying at night, and that nobody knows, well that's just ignorant thinking that is.
I don't fit in any clique. I am not emo, nor preppy. I am not geeky, nor am I cool. Not a perfect student, nor a highschool drop out.
I am just me. Thats all I have.
I've been told before that I scare people.
Some because apparently I am quietly aggressive. I have an angry aura and people pick up on that and run the opposite way.
Some simply because I am a teenager.
At the most difficult and most prejudiced time of my life I struggle.
To stay sane, to keep my head above this water, to stay alive.
But still, everyday of my life I am making someone unhappy.
I am angering him, I am annoying her, I am running in this circle and I am stuck.
Just like me, just like you, and her and him.
They call us names, they stereotype us.
We are troubled, we are hurt, we are broken.
But as teenagers, we take this, we use it and make it our own,
And we will continue to scare the shit out of you.
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Written by Phil (8698 comments posted) 26th February 2009 | Even without the references to teenagers, this could only have been written by a teenager. And that's fine, you are one. Reading as someone who has (thankfully) got beyond his teenaged years, it all seems a little inward looking. I remember thinking some similar thoughts. However, having read your prose work on short stories - and I intend to have a look at your rewrite later - this doesn't measure up. I think it may be better explored as an idea in prose or distilled further to make verse. While there are some good lines here - I particularly liked: Drowning me, this is when I wish that maybe I should have taken some swimming lessons. - it doesn't do it for me.
Sorry.
Phiil |
Written by Phil (8698 comments posted) 26th February 2009 | Ooops! Got you mixed up with someone else. Still, you are a teenager - so mostly relevant.
What's MCR?
Phil |
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 26th February 2009 | Okay, well. sorry it doesnt do it for you then.
I dont understand what you mean by inward looking though?
And MCR, is the band My Chemical Romance. Teenagers was one of their songs and I reference it in the last line. |
Written by Meg (5 comments posted) 26th February 2009 | I actually disagree with Phil (though I suppose all person preference) but I think the inward looking aspect is a good thing.
As a teenager myself (and the fact I like my Chemical Romance) I can see most of the references and especially the teenager references!
My favourite line was actually
I've never been a make-up wearing person. Or an immaculate hygene person. Or a hair person. Or a stylish person. Does this make me wrong?
Reminds me of me!
And of course the last line was epic with the MCR reference!
Meg xxx
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Written by Meg (5 comments posted) 26th February 2009 | | PS - also think that verse may be out of place if you are going with the teenager stereotype = rebels, freedom, etc, etc... so I like this for that reason too. A freedom to the poetry :D |
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | I agree with Phil's comments above, though to be fair I think most of my teenage years were introspective, but I did feel the writing could have benefited from a broader view.
While there a couple of phrases here and there that I think could be worked into something I fail to see this as poetry, it just reads as prose to me, I see very little poetic quality. I think this would benefit from a tighter structure (the two opening lines have both rhythm and rhyme - keep that up).
As for the last line, well, teenagers don't scare the shit out of me, but what passes for poetry does.
Cheers
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Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | | For certain this is not poetry whatever you have written about. Is it in the right section - and I don't mean this in any rude way. If you are at school, you surely will have been taught from your earliest years what consitutes poetry and how it is formed. | Josie
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | I was not taught poetry at school. We may have read a couple of poems and discussed what it was the poet was trying to convey, but as for structure, form, metre and such, not a chance.
Cheers |
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | Firstly, Josie - I know it's a few years since you left school, but poetry structure? No chance. I got a Higher in English and was never taught a thing about poetry. We read some and discussed it, but not in any detail.
Now, addressing this "poem" - I'm with Phil, both age-wise and opinion. We've all been there - it's a self-piteous rant - best written out for cathartic reasons, then flushed down the loo (sorry) - this is what I did with my very own version of this way back...
However, it is good that you are writing at your age. I bet you can do far, far better than this and I truly look forward to you blossoming as a young writer...drop the angst & show us what you are really capable of!
Oli  |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | I agree with the others that this comes over as a gloomy emo stream of consciousness. I wrote some when I was 17, and tore it all up in my twenties.
I think it is too wordy and too vague. You feel bad but you aren't telling us why, really. Did you have a row with your parents? - in which case, tell us about that. Did you split up with a Significant Other? - what were they like, what can you remember about the room you were in at the time, the look on their face when they told you you were dumped, the way they picked at a hole in the knee of their jeans and couldn't look you in the eye. Be specific. Make every word earn its place in the poem, never use ten words where two better chosen ones would do.
More generally, the first rule of good poetry seems to be "Show, don't tell". Describe what you see, hear, touch, and readers will know how you felt from the way you describe that. It will put us "in your shoes" for a moment and we will feel what you felt.
And do keep going with the writing. |
Written by wendycat (2180 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | Sometimes writing about feeling s****y is not only a great way of releasing that angst but also of tapping into other creative areas of your mind.
Your poem is a start, but the trick (in my own opinion) to writing poetry that is meaningful AND expresses what you feel is to read between the lines. It's a difficult process to explain. Instead of directly writing about how you are feeling, ie I am angry, I do not fit in... try writing about the images this creates in you're mind, link it to other things, nature for example, memories (I'd say childhood memories but that just makes me feel old as you are only a few years out of yours!) and write about that.
Really good poetry is never ABOUT a thing, it's like looking at something with your peripheral vision.
Hope that helps. Possibly not.  | Okay wow..
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | I'll be honest here, this was kinda what I was expecting my replies to be like. And as infantile as this sounds, i really don't care, if what the way you guys are acting constitutes as to being an adult, then I never want to be one.
I'm a 16 year old kid, you know, I was in an teenager hospital unit for two months and I wrote this while I was in there.
So please, excuse me, if it sounds like a self-piteous rant and if it seems all inwards and stuff, it's because it was supposed to. It's the POINT of this piece of writing. When I first diagnosed I felt alone, I felt angry, I felt isolated from every other teenager. I wrote this as a rant for the way that I've been treated and that other teenagers MY AGE, in this day and age and have been treated.
It doesn't portray how you guys may have felt, because adults now aren't teengers now. I'm not saying that the troubles others went through are any less hurtful. But you were a teenager once, you should understand why this has been written. It was written to be a great piece of writing at all. It was a slight rant.
As for the poetry part, I wrote this as a piece of poetry. Whilst I was in hospital we were visited by a poet every week and took classes with him. I was the only person in the room not to follow the structure. And you what advice he gave me? He didn't tell me to make it rhyme, or do whatever you're sposed to in poems. He said, if I wanna write as a poem, I write it as a poem. Because it doesn't have to rhyme. That whats I was taught.
So I'm sorry if that makes ME wrong, because I was told something by someone. And if this makes me sound like a whiney teenager.
It's supposed to be a rant, not a good piece of writing, it's not sposed to be like a proper poem to point out the fact you shouldn't have to follow the rules.
Thank you though for all responding. And for the couple of words of support. I do not think myself a good writer, nor do I think I will ever be on the level that most people are on here. That's okay, because I have my own style. | By the way
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | The last point, isn't supposed to be a statement, like i said before.
It's a quote from a SONG, that this was loosly based on. |
Written by wendycat (2180 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | I can see why you feel a bit upset by the comments on here, people tend to come straight to the point rather than pussy footing around, but they do hold good advice.
If you didn't want people to offer their opinion on a piece that you evidently feel is very close to and a part of how you were feeling at an obviously difficult period of your life, then maybe this one should have been kept in the 'not for everyone to see' file.
However, if you want to be able to express yourself, and help others really FEEL what you are feeling then don't give up, take on the advice given and try again. Poetry is an art form, also a very effective means of getting into other people's heads. Use it to it's full advantage and it is an amazing gift. | I agree
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | with everything you say keepxthexfaith, but for the one rather obvious point you are missing.
This is a poetry review forum where people read and review poetry from an artistic perspective. We all need to develop a bit of a thick skin, because reviews can come in all shades. Hopefully, most of us try to be constructive, and I believe I was.
This is no doubt a necessary poem for you, and I for one respect that. But you posted it to be reviewed - so you must accept honest opinions - otherwise what was the point of posting it?
I still hope you can keep writing and learning - about the harsh realities of life as well as poetry.
Oli | Oli
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | Developing a thick skin for constructive critisism is one thing. But to take a comment about something you've written when life was in fact, pretty F'd up, and then someone calling it a 'self-pitious' rant, is quite another thing. I thank you for some words of encouragement that you gave me. This obviously was posted here for critisism otherwise it wouldn't be here.
If you don't like it, that's fine. Maybe I'll back on it in a few years time and hate it myself. But until then, I stick to what I know | Oli
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | Developing a thick skin for constructive critisism is one thing. But to take a comment about something you've written when life was in fact, pretty F'd up, and then someone calling it a 'self-pitious' rant, is quite another thing. I thank you for some words of encouragement that you gave me. This obviously was posted here for critisism otherwise it wouldn't be here.
If you don't like it, that's fine. Maybe I'll back on it in a few years time and hate it myself. But until then, I stick to what I know |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | KTH You are playing with the grown-ups here and we will judge you by grown-up standards. Not to say we won't encourage and praise a good poem or even a good phrase.
Many poets have been through bad times and you won't get a special dispensation for that. Milton was blind, Keats was dying of TB, Sylvia Plath was a suicidal depressive, many poets have written about dying, loss, failure, infertility, disability, drug addiction, mental illness... your experience is not unique. Read those people if you want to see how deftly they have written about misery.
If you want to learn, then you are in the right place.
The question is, do you want to write just for yourself, which is fine, you can write anything that makes you feel good, or do you want to write things that other people want to read, and will appreciate and... feel?
There is a world of difference. We can only help you with the second one.
Keep writing.
V | While I agree
Written by fellpony (2846 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | with some of the remarks, I didn't think this was all that self-pitying, to be honest. I did read it as prose, however! (until I re-read which section it had been placed in). As prose, it was an interesting exploration/description of the teenaged state - though I thought, from the opening lines, that there was some greater revelation coming than turned out to be there.
If some of the lines are quoted from a song, it would have helped me to recognise that if you put quotation marks round the quoted bits. I seldom listen to lyrics in songs so there was nothing there I knew, sorry!
Is it poetry? Well, I didn't think so. As prose, it was an intriguing read though I wanted more of a closure at the end to explain the "blood on my hands" - even if it is metphorical.
I don't think any of the people reviewing have "forgotten" being teenaged nor are they disparaging the state, but it's transient, thank God, and in a few years you will have got over it; unless there really IS, as you hinted, some deeper difficulty that you are referencing in this piece. The actual writing is relatively clean and you can clearly do more than just spell and use grammar correctly. I'd be interested to read some more of your less introspective stuff. | Idea.
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | Would just quickly like to get you guys' opinion on something.
To turn this into I guess a prose, but change it to do out with some of the things in here but add something in that I think might suit well with it.
I would keep the opening two lines, and a few of the others, such as the swimming line.
If I re-wrote this as something else, would you be willing to re-read it, and tell me whether it's an improvement? | Idea - good.
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | Let me first say that I am sure if you rewrote this in any form those who have already commented would be willing to reread and review.
Then let me say, yes your reaction does sound more infantile than teenage - I am aware (because don't think we have forgotten those teenage years - it may be different fashions and such, but the feelings of confusion towards almost everyone, self included, and everything were the same for all who have grown older) of the want, almost need to rebel, but you have to know what you are rebelling against. Lots of teenagers are musicians, but they do not ignore chord structure or scales, they turn them to their own expression - just as you can do with poetry.
Of course poetry does not need to rhyme, Shakespeare is the best proof of that, but you do need to look into poetic form. Even if you wish to write free verse, your language needs a poetic quality - striking imagery, alliteration, assonance, knowing when to break your lines if you are not working to a metre (not easy at all).
I'm sure you have a lot you wish to express but if poetry is to be your choice then be a reader first and a writer second.
All the best
Brett | The rewrite;
Written by keepxthexfaith (33 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | | Okay, if any of you want to check it out it's in the short's under the same name. | Excellent advice!
Written by Katanga (4072 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | I think Brett's advice above applies to all of us, and should be 'bannered' rather than 'hidden away' in his review of this one piece.
I sure have written a load of crap pieces over recent months - but I'm sure as hell glad to have it pointed out to me. I learn a lot from GW members' comments - when the comments are complimentary, it's uplifting, when they're bad, I have a moment of 'pissed-off-ness', then try to write someting better,
Keep on keeping on!
I shall check out your work under 'shorts'.
John |
Written by Phil (8698 comments posted) 27th February 2009 | Hi KTF. Sorry if my initial comments caused a little stress! I don't retract anything - though I'll always admit I could be wrong. Whatever - keep writing. It's more than I'm doing at the moment.
Phil |
Written by rosalouise (13 comments posted) 7th June 2009 | Reading this as a teenager, (sixteen also), the thing which struck me which I think many of the adults who have reviewed this may not recognise is that at this stage in our lives, any creative expression or release of the utter bloody misery which so often surrounds us is a far far healthier alternative to so many other negative outlets. Therefore when we pour our hearts out into a piece of writing, it's a really raw manifestation of the kind of anger and discontent which only teenagers can feel.
Of course adults would argue that these emotions only grow in definition and relevance in time; that teenage angst merely forms the path for real issues like mortgages and impending divorce and whatnot... but all the same, our emotions are so edgy and sharp and painful at this stage in our lives that naturally we become defensive when criticised.
Without nit-picking or finding fault, I personally thought this tapped in very well to the so often imbalanced nature of the teenage psyche. On a slightly immature level I even began to feel a renewed affinity with my agegroup. I loved your idea of us taking advantage of all our troubles and faults, and using them to define and sculpt our characters in later life. I'm sure this hormone-steeped, fervent comment will only set the adults scoffing once again, but I just wanted to say that I get you. Criticism is healthy and important, but perhaps when it comes to such a sensitive subject a more balanced critique would be recommended.
Anyway, well done and kudos for choosing to write about it, rather than venting your anger on your curtains or something (an old favourite of mine. Kidding).
Also, I wouldn't say I was much of an MCR fan myself, but whaaaat a song. x
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