My first ever villanelle. Feels a bit forced in places. Another work in progress. And sorry, it's another sad one. I'm definitely going to have to start writing some happier stuff soon!
Newly improved with all stanza intact!
Lost to Summer
And then in one short afternoon, my childish self was gone
A sudden, sickly growth spurt pushed me into adulthood
I'd let myself get caught up so completely in your song
I'd seen myself reflected in your eyes all summer long
Coercing me to change my shape, you said that I'd been good
And then in one short afternoon, my childish self was gone
You never really loved me, rather teased me on and on
I always tried to please you, giving everything I could
I'd let myself get caught up so completely in your song
You laid me down so tenderly, I folded like a fawn
And irreversibly, the world was starkly understood
And then in one short afternoon, my childish self was gone
My childish games I put away, but childish thoughts hung on
I kept your secret safe inside a heart of balsa wood
I'd let myself get caught up so completely in your song
Like a paper dolly played with roughly, I was torn
You left me any way; I think I always knew you would
And then in one short afternoon, my childish self was gone
I'd let myself get caught up so completely in your song
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The villanelle
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
is a lovely form, in my opinion, and I think you have handled this well, Wendy.
The refrains are very strong - I particularly like 'And then in one short afternoon, my childish self was gone.'
I do have to say that, as the form dictates, you are one stanza short - you need another inbetween your 4th and final.
I really enjoyed this, sad as the content is, because it has a real force to the tenderness of its expression (if that makes sense!).
Cheers
ps - 'You lay me down...' is that going to kick anything off? Katanga?
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Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
Enjoyed this too. The form didn't overpower the content - but more than that it came across with tenderness and sadness.
Phil |
Slaps hand to forehead
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
Oh no, you're right, it's missing an entire stanza. Will go and dash one off immediately.
Is 'lay grammatically correct, i thought to lay something down, and you lie down? This one gets me every time.  |
Done
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
Missing stanza now in place  |
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
Complete, Wendy. I liked 'heart of balsa wood' in your added stanza.
Re 'lay' - just a joke to a few recent posts here.
Cheers
When do we see a pantoum or rondeau redouble? |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
Watch this space, (though I may well be writing from the psych ward at this rate)
It's a brilliant sense of achievement when you finish it. but, God, frustrating! |
Marvellous!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
Oh yes! A villanelle to relish and cherish!
My only misgiving here is that the rhythm falters occasionally, at least to my ear when I read it aloud.
Wendy, your ventures into these fixed forms are truly admirable - with Brett, I look forward to your pantoums and rondeau redoubles!
BTW 'You lay me down' is at the pinnacle of grammatical correctness - no worries there!
Cheers! Respect for this, and all your fine pieces - keep 'em coming!
John X |
Grammar
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 28th February 2009 |
Phew! Thank God everyone else knows how to spell and use grammar!  |
Vilanelles, pantoums and rondeau redoubl
Written by CharlieHere (87 comments posted) 2nd March 2009 |
You've got me sat here like a slack jawed yokel, enjoying the words and the meanings they play with but there's more forms here than a DHSS stationary cupboard!
I shall investigate....
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very impressive..
Written by silvershoes (476 comments posted) 2nd March 2009 |
not sure what I can add that hasn't already been said. It is a real achievement and it never feels like your ideas have been shoe-horned into the form.
I am also impressed at the sheer number of poems you and several others on this site produce! The couple I have posted have been half written previously, and fear it may be several more weeks before anything else goes up. Will just have to keep reviewing in the mean time to keep my oar in I guess. Look forward to your next one though.
Emma |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 2nd March 2009 |
"I folded like a fawn"
triffic. A lovely villanelle. They aren't as difficult as they seem. But pantoums and sestinas I leave to the experts. |
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