A diary of a Northerner living in the big smoke
Diary of A Northerner in London.
Friday 24th Feb 2006
I’m out with my friend in London and we see this guy walking his dog, a little bull terrier, and it goes to the toilet right on the pavement. The bloke pulls out a plastic bag from his pocket, bends down and picks it up, wraps it like a parcel and puts it back in his Mac. As we are passing the man’s eyes meet mine for a second, they have a subservient sad look to them and he sighs, the dog pulls at the lead impatiently; it’s ready to move on.
I say to my friend that it’s not worth having a pet if you have to pick up its ‘stuff’ and walk around with it in your coat, he agrees.
I picture the man being stopped and searched by the police. Perhaps loosing his memory and his dog, go through his pockets to find some identification; a name, an address, a telephone number and on finding what he finds wonder exactly what type of person he is. My friend says he’d ‘just make the dog walk round with the bag tied to its arse’, I think he’s right. .
We go to the Imperial War Museum at around three. There are two huge guns outside; antiaircraft, so I’m told. I turn and notice that there are houses behind, everyday they look out of their windows, these tenants, and see cannons aiming right at them. What a selling feature for a house. If ever one of them were held up by an ordinary firearm they’d scoff and say ‘you call that a gun…?’
We go inside and straight to the ‘trench experience’, it’s made up like a first world war bunker, there are model army figures, like the wax works in Madame Tussauds have ceased peace talks and entered combat, they have voiceovers and all the accents are Northern. ‘Get thee over top, an stay out the way o that machine gun fire’. Not one Southern soldier is depicted, Jason salutes a Kevin Webbster wax work dummy and we leave.
I watch Coronation Street in a new light. Also I now notice that Chesney doesn’t carry a plastic bag to pick up Schmeichels mess.
I can’t decide whether to tone down my Mancunian twang, broaden it or just leave it as it is.
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