Slightly unusual, this one. I’ve created an e-mail , which is going to form part of a sort of prologue – more of a ‘pre-chapter’ if you like – of my latest novel (set a year in the future as that’s when I plan finishing it).
By way of background: Naomi, my heroine, has just quit her hated job for a useless PR company owned by the slimy Adrian, and received this e-mail from him in response. This, as I say, comes at the beginning of the novel and today is the first day of the rest of Naomi’s life.
I don’t think you need to know any more about the actual storyline; I could just do with somebody having a quick look at this and advising me whether the e-mail is OTT, not strong enough, or pitched about right. Would it be unrealistically unprofessional for a boss to say things like this in writing, or would such a man more likely consider he can say what the hell he wants because he owns the company and is thus invincible?
Adrian is an oily, sarcastic, patronising toerag (yes, he is drawn from many real life examples), who spouts corporate clichés, finds it amusing to play practical jokes on his employees and has given his catty fiancée, who knows nothing about PR, a job he had as good as promised Naomi. Does that sufficiently come across here?
The novel is going to be another in the chick-lit vein, so while I’m not aiming for dark, gritty realism, neither do I want it to sound too silly.
Sorry this intro is almost as long as the piece itself. I would appreciate any assistance!
Leigh
From: Adrian Raybould
Sent: 16 April 2010 14:43
To: Naomi Ball
Subject: Jumping ship
Nay
Just spent my spare 10 minutes between appointments flicking through your resignation letter.
You pick your moments, girl, I’ll say that for you – sneaking that in on a day when I’m in back-to-back meetings and you’re about to escape on your jollies.
I can’t deny that your reasoning surprises and disappoints me.
With regards to sending you out to that fake press conference – you should know by now I’m a joker by nature, and frankly if you’re not blessed with a sense of humour I’m afraid you ain’t going to get far in this life, my wench!
Yes I know you were already distressed as your uncle had died that morning – I was attempting to cheer you up! Just a more sophisticated version of the old ‘go and get a long stand’ trick. Some of this overtime we need you to do to help Sian learn the ropes can make up for the hour you were out of the office that morning and the day you had off for your unc’s funeral.
Re: Sian, you seem to have set off on the wrong foot with her ever since I brought her in as senior marketing exec. I gather you were somehow under the impression you had that job in the bag? Your recent failure to correct embarrassing typos in a press release proves you an as yet unlikely candidate for the role.
Blaming my secretary for the fact those McConnell Group releases were dished out to the papers containing misinformation was none too classy. Nova swore blind she passed you that message about the amendments. I will accept no insinuations that her family connection to this firm is an automatic basis for my giving credence to her word against yours.
As for you working these ‘excessive’ evenings and lunchtimes during Sian’s first few weeks, her background is in Animal Care, she’s new to PR and also currently rather distracted planning the wedding (we intend getting spliced just as soon as her Decree Absolute comes through). Your assistance is required.
We work as a team here at Raybould Communications and there is nothing to be gained by spitting out your dummy over this. Why don’t you girlies have a bonding session sometime over a nice lunch?
Now I suggest that whilst toddling across the wilds of Shropshire next week (yuk, rather you than me) you spend some time reconsidering your decision to quit, and we’ll reconvene for a little chat a week on Monday.
Ade
|
Written by Leigh (410 comments posted) 30th March 2009 |
By the way, if anyone thinks the ‘fake press conference’ incident sounds unrealistic, it actually happened to me (though I invented the bit about the uncle dying).
An evil editor for whom I once had the misfortune to work dispatched me to a completely made-up event ‘as a joke’ – and made me make up the time I was out of the office!! Is it any wonder I quit journalism? |
Can I be honest?
Written by Clifftown (701 comments posted) 31st March 2009 |
I've worked in HR for the past 10 years or so (am now very glad to be out of it, but that's a different story!  ) and I must admit I read this e-mail from the viewpoint that Naomi could quite easily have printed it off and used it to sue the company for bullying and constructive dismissal! That might sound a bit over-the-top, but it distracted me a bit from the point of the message. My personal feeling is (and it's only a personal one) that Adrian would have said these words to Naomi rather than put them in an e-mail. He comes across as a sneaky character to me, and sneaky people often know exactly how to cover their backs. This e-mail leaves him open to so many repercussions.
That said, all of the characteristics you mentioned about Adrian come across here! He definitely comes across as slimy and unprincipled; the sort of boss who thinks he has a great sense of humour and all who don't agree with his "jokes"...don't.
Can I make a cheeky suggestion? Perhaps if you started off with Naomi's actual resignation letter that might be a bit more effective - she can be completely unrestrained, showing how she'd got to the end of her tether with Adrian and the job and making the reader want to read on to find out just how bad he really is! It's only a suggestion though, and for what it's worth I thought the e-mail was well written and highlighted Adrian's character well. I just didn't personally feel it would have been a realistic response - but again, that's just me.
Good luck with the novel!
Nina |
Written by Leigh (410 comments posted) 31st March 2009 |
Thanks for that Nina. I did wonder whether it was a bit OTT but needed a second opinion. Perhaps it would be better to write Naomi's resignation letter - but then I suppose I was attempting to reveal Adrian's character through his own words somehow. I suppose I could have him speaking the words rather than putting them down in writing.
Hmm, I'll have to think about this one! Many thanks for your helpful input.
Leigh |
Thinking about it...
Written by Leigh (410 comments posted) 31st March 2009 |
...would the e-mail read more realistically if I simply remove any reference to the fake press conference and deceased uncle, since that appears to be the main ground upon which Naomi could sue Adrian for bullying/misconduct?
I have had a go at penning a resignation letter from Naomi, but it just comes across as so flat in comparison with this. So I am looking for ways in which I could reword Adrian’s e-mail so that it doesn’t say things he wouldn’t actually want to put in writing!
Leigh |
Written by Clifftown (701 comments posted) 1st April 2009 |
Dare I say it, but even with those references taken out, for me the message would still read as being potentially litigious; in particular the reference to Naomi failing to correct embarrassing typos and the assumption she had that job "in the bag", and the dubious mention of family connections. I'm really sorry...it's just the dull, boring HR person in me!! Other readers may not even give any of that any consideration - it's just that I couldn't personally see any experienced manager actually putting these thoughts down in writing. Then again - I don't know what sort of experience Adrian has as a people manager; he may be one of those "mavericks" who thinks he's omnipotent.
Boringly though, I would be thinking throughout "why doesn't Naomi take that e-mail to an employment lawyer"? It all depends on what's coming next, I suppose.
Any chance of posting Naomi's resignation letter as well? I'd be really interested to see it!
(I hope that doesn't sound too negative, by the way! I'm just one reader with one - very HR-biased - opinion, and hardly an expert one at that...) |
Written by Leigh (410 comments posted) 2nd April 2009 |
OK, assuming she IS intending to sue him...I'm going to have a go at both writing Naomi's resignation letter and tweaking this e-mail to make Ade sound smarmier and less unprofessional and see which reads the best! I will post both here soon.
I am finding this quite a frustrating piece!!
Leigh |
Written by Clifftown (701 comments posted) 7th April 2009 |
Looking forward to reading them when you post them. I hope I didn't sound a bit too harsh with what I said - I can imagine how frustrating it must be to write, without my "helpful" little comments!
|
Written by Leigh (410 comments posted) 7th April 2009 |
| Not harsh at all Nina! I have now added an amended version - hope it's an improvement! |
Written by timothypaulvogt (21 comments posted) 16th April 2009 |
Yeah, I definitely want to read the resignation letter!
The e-mail format is an interesting one but the content seemed more spoken or conversational as has been said. Enjoyed it though.......and I too have met people like this.....I think you may have too repeatedly shown his flaws as a person as each line reiterates his poor personality. Has he no redeeming qualities?.....a glimpse of light may have given him more reality/credibility as a character??........
all the best,
tim. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
