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Poetry
All The Same
By B.D.
27 February 2006
I'm very open to suggestions!


You quietly came
and you quietly left.
It's all the same
wherever you went.

It seems like people leave
when I need them most.
How can I believe
if I'm lost?

You showed me kindness...
It must've been fate.
Now I cry in the darkness
and I can only wait.

A blade threatens my throat
and the edge is rust.
Am I suppose to have hope
when there's no one I can trust?

Late at night
my tears start flowing.
How can it be right
if I keep on crying?

So I smile for you,
making you think I'm fine.
Inside I'm trying to
find somewhere to hide.

Never believe what you see
for it will disappear...
But believe what you feel -
it's the only thing that's real.

Reviews
hi
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 27th February 2006
Thanks for the comments you posted on my writing. 
Glad you liked it will be posting some more new ones soon! 
 
I think that the idea this poem is based on is very powerful.  
 
It has got great potential, the only critiscm I have is that in some parts the rhythm didn't seem to 'flow'. 
 
The parts I thought were excellent and had a really good rhythm are: 
 
You quietly came 
and you quietly left. 
 
You showed me kindness... 
It must've been fate. 
Now I cry in the darkness 
and I can only wait. 
 
A blade threatens my throat 
and the edge is rust. 
Am I suppose to have hope 
when there's no one I can trust? 
 
But believe what you feel - 
it's the only thing that's real. 
 
I would rework some of the other parts that didnt fit in with the rhyming, 
 
well done!

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 1st March 2006
I agree with brook_rivers. Also, I notice that not all of your verses rhyme; was this intentional? My feeling is that it would be better either to have ALL your verses rhyming, or to ditch the rhymes altogether (or possibly re-jig the verses which contain rhymes, so that the rhymes are internal). In such deeply emotional work, I find that rhymes can actually be a distraction, and make the emotions sound a bit trite. My personal preference is for this sort of piece to be in free verse, but that shouldn't stop you experimenting with internal rhymes, assonance, anything else that will enhance the power of the writing.

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