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Poetry


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The existence

By brook_rivers

02 March 2006

The existence flows along
Like water trickling down a stream
Little does it know
                                    Around the next bend
It will collide with a couple of jagged boulders
And then it is no longer the calm, peaceful water
Trickling down the stream
But a fierce, raging river
                                    Frothing and tumbling
                                                            Down a
                                                            vertical
                                                            fall of
                                                            Pressure.
Suddenly, when it hits the bottom it swirls
Around some soft, smooth pebbles and bubbles along
Until it is the calm, flowing stream again.
Waiting to see if it will collide with any more boulders
Some streams collide more frequently than others
While many swirl constantly around pebbles
But mostly the stream keeps on flowing.

Reviews

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 7th March 2006

I really like how you've experimented with the shape of this poem on the screen. Your "vertical fall of pressure" is very evocative, and made really dramatic simply by the layout you've chosen.

You have a wonderful visible/tactile image at the heart of this poem, but I still felt that the poem was too abstract to carry a lot of meaning for me. "The existence", as an opening word/concept, means absolutely nothing to me. What would draw me in more, I think, is finding a way to make this personal - so it's not about a philosophical concept, it's about you. For instance:

"My life flows like water
trickling down a stream,
little knowing that around the next bend
I will collide..."

and so on. Try imagining yourself into the stream - how would you respond to the boulders, the waterfall, the sudden calm?

thanks
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 7th March 2006

thanks for your comments, it's a good suggestion but i was trying to get across the idea of life in general, maybe I should make the idea a bit clearer!
Thanks again

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