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By Katanga
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27 May 2009 |
Broken Sleep
I close my eyes against the break of day.
Dark dreams rebel, block out the brightening sky.
The hand of young love lost leads me away
to places where I could, cold-cruel, betray
your trust in me. I wish I could deny
I close my eyes against the break of day.
Our bed is where I long to hide and stay
within old longings, safe from reasons why
the hand of young love lost leads me away
to those green fields where lovers could make hay,
and Time lost all just cause to even try.
I close my eyes against the break of day.
And when our darkness falls, I'll have to pay
the price of a one-way ticket. Please don't cry.
The hand of young love lost leads me away.
Is there nothing more that we can do or say
before we leave our sleep to dim and die?
I close my eyes against the break of day.
The hand of young love lost leads me away.
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Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 27th May 2009 | Lovely theme - and I know your last wasn't. (Your last, I mean)
Phil | Damn!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 27th May 2009 | Thanks, but well, you know how it goes . . .
Cheers!
John |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 28th May 2009 | Tolstoy, you are a master of the villanelle and your rhyme and metre are generally spot on! I did like the enjambment around the "price of the one-way ticket", I think it is touches like that which bring closed forms like the villanelle right up to date and stop then sounding archaic.
You have this facility with language which sometimes leads you to post two or even three poems per day. Wildly prolific, when you think that some poets take months and months to hone a single stanza. But the themes you take are pretty repetitive, mostly concerning:
A) regret for a love that has died
B) poo and / or willies
I'd like to see you really take your time over a poem that truly speaks from the heart and says something startlingly original, making us all look at the world slightly differently, having read it. I think you have got that in you. |
Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 28th May 2009 | | Well, if Veronica hadn't already said what she did, I would have too thought it. You do have a wonderful facility with language yes, but John, I would like to see your writing branch out beyond lost love. You did a splendid job on the minibeasts last year and I was so impressed. Try new subjects John. You do indeed have a great capacity with our beautiful English language, and small wonder! I would say your progress in the poetic world is beginning to shine well now. |
Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (391 comments posted) 28th May 2009 |
In your own words, Mr Sluice gate: "Yes, but it's been done before." |
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 28th May 2009 | I do admire the skill, John, and I do have a penchant for villanelles - a form which is still widely used in contemporary poetry (often a lot looser in terms of metre or refrains these days - sadly? Hmm?)) but like others I would like to see you stretch out a bit regarding content. A crit - maybe. Encouragement - definitely.
Cheers |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 30th May 2009 | I for one have enjoyed every single one of your villanelles. And I love your work with poo and/or willies! You always bring a smile to my face. i think this is lovely, really nicely done, I think it's really touching.
I too would like to see more from you, if only because I think you are talented and I enjoy your poetry.
Wendy
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