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Setting for scene: Car, after school.

By kitten_princess

04 March 2006

Another work in progress...

Comments are always appreciated, and any suggestions will be listened to. :)

I enter the car.

The required "Good afternoon, Daddy"

And we begin the well-rehearsed routine.

How was school?

Fine...

We don't have time for the real answer.

Soon, he'll say "So, what did you do?"
Or "What did you have...

What did you have for lunch today?

See? Right on cue.

They gave us chicken and rice and

Apple crumble.

That's not exactly what I had, though...

I ate a sandwich on an ignored bench,

Alone as per usual.

What did you learn?

Apart from perfecting the art of

Persona non grata

I learnt about a new tense

And the value of pi

Not much, really.

Is it time to order out yet,

Save you the effort of boiling

Frozen peas, and nuking

Meat-in-the-box?

Call for a Chinese while we Wait for your brother, please.

Okay.

Okay.

Reviews

Hi, kitten!
Written by Bagheera (680 comments posted) 4th March 2006

I hope this wont sound too negative! I know that there is a lot of angst and uncomfortable evasive tactics in "school run" conversations such as you describe, and that a lot of the low-level bullying which you hint at is frequently missed for that reason.

However, there isnt (for ME!) a sense of real "drama" in this short piece as it stands. It comes over as a feeble conversation between two people who are simply talking "because its expected of them to communicate in this situation" not because either of them really want to SAY anything .... hope that makes sense to you!

I was forced :upset

to read Becketts cringeworthy effort "Waiting for Godot" in 6th Form - supposedly as Relaxation/Reward :upset

after our "A" levels were over!!! He apparently made a reputation (and no doubt gadzillions of moolah!!) from this play in which he seems to say (over and over again!) "Nothing Really Happens"
I instinctively mistrust people with such an attitude (and Freddy mercury made a much more interesting statement of this in "Bohemian RHaphsody" :grin

)

You might want tom think about putting more "flesh on the bone" - perhaps interspacing the snippets of conversation with the private thoughts of father and son which neither of them seems willing or brave enough to speak aloud??

PS Please excuse missing punctuation! Ive installed a new keyboard with some international letters I need for translation work, and I appear to have lost my apostrophe, my colon, and my semi-colon! I shall have to write in Word docs and then Cut & Paste until I find a better solution!!! :grin

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 7th March 2006

I think in general I agree, in fact Bagheera's said it much better than I could... Maybe a little editing is what's needed here - cutting down your commentary, to make the silences in between the bits of conversation work that much harder.

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