Yes. Yes. I know, I know. Also it's true I'm not usually a gags man but I couldn't resist this when I heard I'd been passed over at the Oscars.My compliments to the Luvvies at the ceremonies tonight. May their long hands extend to slap their own broad and corpulent backs!
The scene is Manchester's Gay Village. The long infamous C[anal] Street. The clock strikes twelve. Tumbleweed drifts along the street past a sign : To Gay Man's Gulch. Frightened Pinks are fleeing everywhere ducking behind doors and diving into waterbutts. Music. The twanging goading guitar of 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly ', slow and menacing. The street is now dark and deserted.
From out two Gay Bars at opposite ends of the street step two of the old Wild [North] West's most buggered Bumslingers. 'Both Barrels Nobby the Nonce', dressed as Doris Day [Annie Oakley] with Fedora and smoking a 120 Marlbro Light from a diamante Cigarette Holder. And 'Quick Drawers Clint McQueen' got up as Jeanette Mc Donald in The Lonesome Cowgirl. They face each other and begin to advance towards each other swinging their handbags with deadly intent. The music traces their steps.
DIDDLE DIDDLE DO, DO DO DO.
Nobby : This 'ere town ain't big enough f' both of us,
Chukkie!
DIDDLE DIDDLE DO, DO DO DO.
Clint : Oooooooooooh! Nothin's ever big enough f' me, yer naughty boy!
DIDDLE DO, DO DO DO
Nobby : By gum! I'm a comin' t' get ya Clint. We're gonna see whose got Britain's biggest belltower.
DIDDLE DIDDLE DO ; DO DO DO!
Clint : Oooooooooooh Sticks an' Stones!! Yes Pleeeeeeease! I just love it when She get's angry!
DO DO DO DO DOOOOO!
Nobby : I'm a gonna fill ya' bare ass wi' lead shot ya dogone lipstick fairy!
DO DO DO DO DOOOOO!
Clint : Oooooooooooh! Promises Promises! Go f' yer flies Goliath!
DO DIDDY DO DO, DO DIDDY DO DO, DIDDY DIDDY DIDDY DIDDY......DOOOOOOOOO.....DOOOOOOO.[Cut]
Nobby pulls out his truely enormous broomstave. Clint drops his kecks and turning presents the manhole.Nobby holes in one and gives Clint the mother and father of a venomous seeing to as the music rises.Clint falls to the ground groaning and writhing with divine pleasure.
Clint : Ooooooooh! I'll be Barrymored! What a way to go!
He dies with a grin on his face bigger than the crack of his arse. [Music contonues]
DIDDLE DO, DO DO DO!.....................
Nobby blows a cool breath on the muzzle of his steaming endowment and throws his huge hosepipe over his shoulder in the manner of John Wayne [Rooster Cockburn].
DIDDLE DIDDLE DO, DO DO DO!.... [CUT]!!
Nobby : I've cum f' my boy!
DIDDLE DO DO .............Then..Suddenly.....
Bars light up and cut to music ' Ooooooooooooh Oak!!!! La Homa!!!! Where the sun comes rollin' down the plain!!!..... Where the sun......etc. {Chorus: Massed Choirs of the Pink Underwear Club} and ........
. ' Gays dance in the street as Nobby strides slowly away........
The Irascible Editor of the Creative People's Website : Right , Connolly. You've had enough chances. My office, NOW!!!
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Well done
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 5th March 2006 |
Yep, 60-odd hits and 0 reviews. Par for the course.
Maybe a bit much for some but I liked it. Nice idea.
Will check the dictionary for the word 'Barrymored'. To quote General Melchot "I like it, and want to use more in everyday conversation!"
Good crack. (the skit, not Clint's arse)
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Blazzin' saddles. PC Version.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 6th March 2006 |
Howdy Partner,
Yup, sure is lonesome here. No dude needs an ol' gunslinger these days. Or is it them beans I's keep eatin'?
I'm much more satire than a gags man. That's you're territory, partner, an' as always I's sure do teks ma hat off t' ya.
So long, partner. Gonna ride into th' sunset.
|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3172 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
| Well I don't know, what's a girl to do? You got me here under false pretences I saw the name Brokeback Mountain and thought I was in for a treat. I loved that film (why is it only gay men are good looking and sensitive too) You have violated that film for me I won't be able to watch it now without peeing myself laughing as I remember your sketch. Honetly, why can't you leave us fag-hags a llttle fantasy. |
Thank you.Yourself is most kind.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
Aha, there you are you see. We live to be amazed and confounded. Our illusions no more than the last shadows of summer.
The Corner Coves: What Fancy Dan was it said that?
Connolly: Me. Just now. I am trying to convince a lady that its not just the ol' Bent Shillelaghs that can turn on the charm.
The Corner Coves: Bent Shillelaghs? That's not the sort o' plain speakin' t' be usin' t' any lady
Connolly: Miss Bottlebank is not offended by plain speaking.
The Corner Coves: Miss Bottlebank? What kind of a parent is it names a child after a waste disposal unit?
Connolly: Yous buck eejits!! Its not her real name. Its a nom de plume that enables her to remain incognito! And that's 'unrecognised' to gobshytes the likes of you.
The Corner Coves: Will yous listen t' yerself talkin'! Is there any point in havin' a name if yous don't want no bastard t' know it?
Connolly: Its a literary device to assist plain speaking.
The Corner Coves: There's a powerful load o' plain speakin' goin' on an ' we're none the wiser f' any of it. Shall we make it plain?
Connolly: I think I know what's coming.
The Corner Coves: Here's the only plain speakin' we understand. Five pints o' Treacle Plain, if you please. An' we'll take it in the Snug.
Slainte!
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Bottlebank???
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3172 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
There you caught me out for the vain old bat I am. I'm what you young turks call a siver surfer, but not any longer.
Dont try and bamboozle me with any of that Flan O Brien b******s. , gerard, I never understood it the first time round. I'll tell ya that Leopold Bloom might have got to Molly but he did nothing for me. so save your breath to blow the froth off your porter, you silver tongued irish charmer, no really......ah gwan, gwan gwan gwan |
Well done!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th March 2006 |
A bit of fun in an otherwise dour world.
Seriously it's interesting you should mention Flann O'Brien [ the late Brian O' Nolan writing as Myles ] since most would never have heard of him these days. More to the point this is a device commonly used by modern Gaeltacht writers who deploy the Seanchai as a way of telling a story acting out all the parts himself. I do it all the time and people on this website who kindly read ,say my few short stories, seemed either to love it or not; to put it at its most charitable.
It's a very Gaelic approach to language wherein the onus is not so much to tell the story, important though that may be; rather to be the 'Wizard with Words '. English storytelling has a somewhat different approach. The voices in the head are not quite the same thing and rarely have a life of their own. Suffice to say that for the Gael, translating a touch freely, words are your servant not your master. Mind you it can be a trial for those around you as you continuously turn into different people. I believe the English call it Schizophrenia. Mind you what better can you expect f' th' ignorant bomana. Would yous believe they even called Cobh Queenstown!!
Slainte! |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3172 comments posted) 15th March 2006 |
"rather to be the 'Wizard with Words" '
I believe they call it the craic (like the unfortunate Irishman who went to a bar in New York, asked a cop "where do you go for the craic")
What you said was very interesting. I'm guessing you are professionaly involved in writing or at least language. It's funny you mention schizophrenia, I read somewhere that in England more Irish are diagnosed with it than any other nationality, so perhaps they are not ill just trying to be amusing.
"Mind you what better can you expect f' th' ignorant bomana"
It always makes me smile when you Irish do that -After that intelligent, erudite lecture on language. You re-assure me that you're just an ignorant bomana. Just in case we can't cope with an Irishman if he's more intellingent than us, Brits. T, Wogan has a lot to answer for. |
Wogan..? Wogan..? WOGAN!!!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 16th March 2006 |
You leave Tezza alone you ungrateful banshee. He may be a thaveless moron, but he's our thaveless moron!
Quite candidly I don't know how he keeps getting away with it. Just his name has me turning into the Jolly Green Giant. Have you listened to his infantile drivel on Radio 2? All he needs is a big stupid Guinness hat. He's a disgrace to the God Fearing honest Christian folk of The Green! Evey week I play the lottery in the hope of winning enough to put out a contract on the bosthoon!
Slainte! |
Not as bad as
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 20th March 2006 |
I think if I was Irish (phew!) I would be more embarrassed to know I shared my nationality with that knob-end Jimmy Cricket. He was about as funny as the small, brown abrasions I often find in the gusset of my underpants.
"I know, I'll wear wellies. And put them on the wrong feet. And I'll write 'L' and 'R' on them, just to make sure people notice!"
 |
Ta
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st March 2006 |
| I don't mind Irish jokes so long as its me that's telling them. |
Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 31st May 2006 |
I liked your comments on the piece more than the piece.  No offense, though! I wonder what jokes you have on Americans... |
Hi Geraldo!
Written by Talisker (1309 comments posted) 18th January 2008 |
This popped up in the WAR column and got me through a tricky day with a gurgle-cackle-giggle-titter-snicker-tee-hee.
Great stuff. If only you could film it and get Auntie to screen it...
Oli |
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