Great Writing - Home > SF > Red: Once Upon A Time -part 1
Science Fiction and Fantasy
Red: Once Upon A Time -part 1
By shiek33
07 June 2009


RED:

Once upon a time-

Part 1

 

  Once upon 8:30 am Margaret looked at the article in the Copse Gazette. "THE WILD WOLF OF COPSE MASSACRE CONTINUES" she shook her head and walked towards the bedroom where a short bandaged body lay on the bed. She gave out a sigh. "Can you believe this; they still blame you for this carnage". The body rose and replied in a young male muffled voice "people are dumb, sigh" "excuse me "she retaliated in a defensive tone "a person is smart though, I meant as society people can't believe what's in front of them" she looked up from the newspaper to the empty bed and turned to the bathroom where he was. She looked on as he began to unwrap the bandages from his head; revealing a dirty blond page boy haircut.

 It took him about almost forty five minutes to unwrap most of his body. The boy turned to Margaret and looked straight at her elderly eyes. A wrinkled smile formed. "My goodness Marcus, you nearly healed," Margaret frowned, how did you do it?"

Marcus smiled and replied "I am the guardian and if Amber is displaying the signs then she needs protective clothing to help her against them." "But..."Margaret tried to reply as Marcus interrupted her.

 "Despite that she might have the gift, she is human after all. My fast healing will help in the cause.  Besides times have changed since you were the Red."

"But in that condition for two weeks straight." Concern crept into her sweet motherly voice. Margaret looked at her young friend and landlord with respect. "I almost forgot your eternal experience and wisdom".

 Marcus looked into the mirror, raised his bandaged right hand and brushed his hair with his hand to tidy it up a bit. "It needed to be done, besides it is done now" so, Amber is coming today, is that correct? Yes," she replied as she remembered the conversation she had with her daughter.

It was a month ago on a Thursday around 5:30pm that the phone rang. "Yes?" she answered the phone in her usual sweet elderly voice "oh mother" the female voice on the other end blurted out with  a hint of distress in the tone. "Sarah, what's wrong" Margaret replied with concern.  "It's Amber, I don't know what to do," Sarah's voice "She is getting angry, more violent nowadays and recently she got suspended for fighting in school, then yesterday she came home with red highlights in her beautiful blond hair. When David confronted her she punched him in the stomach and ran upstairs to her room," Sarah continued with tears in her voice .  "Oh, darling..." Margaret started but interrupted by the door bell ringing "Excuse me, sweetie, I have to answer the door and I will call you back." Margaret hung up the phone and went to answer the door. There stood a dirty blond boy who looked like he was between the ages of 12-14. He wore a light blue jeans and  a white t-shirt with a silver small pendant in the shape of a wolf's head with two indented slits for eyes.

  He stopped smiling when he saw the grim expression on Margaret's face. "What's wrong Maggie?" he asked her. "Marcus, my granddaughter, Amber has attitude problems, the red streak in her hair it might be a sign she has the gift." She stated solemnly. "Then if that's the case there is only one solution she has to come here to train and hone her skills for the cause." Marcus said in a thoughtful tone. Margaret nodded in agreement and then let Marcus in the house. She went back to  the phone and called Sarah back. "Hello darling, sorry about hanging up before, the landlord came to collect this month's rent. Darling, maybe you guys should move here to the Copse. A fresh start might be what she needs." Margaret suggested, knowing her daughter so well. "You always had a connection with her mother. I'll set things up for her;   it normally takes a month to register a transfer student at Maple High School. It is a good school." Margaret stated besides, Marcus can observe Amber.

"Margaret!" Marcus said with so much force that he snatched her from the memory suddenly.  "Oh sorry, Marcus, I was remembering the day we made the decision." Marcus walked over to the cupboard door and entered closing it behind. "Marcus?" "Just getting HQ prepared for her arrival." Then there was a flash of blue light and a scanning noise. Margaret shook her head trying to picture what Amber must be going through and sighed still shaking her head. Margaret walked up to the cupboard and opened the door, Marcus was gone. She grabbed a large bag and looked at the red material that used to be Marcus's skin

Sarah looked at her daughter sitting in the back of the minivan who wore an angry expression on her face.

The look Sarah sighed "We discussed this",

"No you decided and I had no choice"

Sarah not wanting   to go further into arguments shaking her head, turned around as David turned into the drive way of their new house in the town of maple.

 

Reviews

Written by ebenezer66 (22 comments posted) 17th July 2009
I saw you had lots of reads but no reviews so, being new here, I thought I'd jump in. 
 
I'm not going to say much about the descriptive passages as I feel the structure of the piece seems to lose them in the dialogue - so as I feel (sorry!) there's some confusion over what's dialogue and what's description.  
 
The dialogue itself flows nicely, and even has a ring of reality too it, but I think this would also benefit greatly from more traditional formatting. 
 
Overall, I think your formatting gets in the way of what is otherwise a promising piece. I think revising the structure and formalising the dialogue by splitting it out on to separate lines would make it not only easier and more enjoyable for the reader but also for you, as the writer, to see where improvements could be made. 
 
I look forward to your next draft. 
 
jcm

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item