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| April 2006 | |
| By Bagheera | ||||||||
| 06 March 2006 | ||||||||
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I found a number of pictures (on the 'Net) which I thought would provide "documentary evidence" to support each of the "News Items" reported in this piece ............. unfortunately it seems they won't "Cut & Paste" to this site, although they look fine in the MS Word document I prepared .... grrrrrrrrrrr!! Happy Reading, anyway! April 2006 April 2006. This month proved one of the most significant years of the early 21st Century, beginning with the sudden and unexpected collapse of the UN case against Saddam Hussein when his defence lawyers proved that during the period he was alleged to have been committing war crimes in Iraq he was actually making “The Passion of the Christ” under his alter ego as Mel Gibson. Over the Easter weekend, a group calling themselves the AFC (Action For Christ) seized the self-styled Reverend Ian Paisley from his home, a fortified and guarded mansion just outside Belfast. He was then lashed securely to a five-barred hurdle gate and drawn to a nearby hill, where his wrists were nailed to a piece of 4x2 and he was hung by his ankles to a convenient tree. In scenes which evoked memories of Enoch Powell's 1968 speech about “Rivers of Blood” it took over an hour for him to bleed to death from his wrists. An AFC spokesperson commented: “He should count himself lucky. According to the synoptic Gospels, it took our Saviour over three hours to die on the Cross.” After almost fifty years of being one of the most popular sovereigns in history and being considered almost as a 'second mum' by many of her subjects, Elizabeth II chose the occasion of her 80th Birthday to hand the reins to her son Charles. It was clear that this came at an inconvenient time for the Heir Apparent, as he had just received a letter from the Home Office to inform him that he had been selected to be “fast tracked” as part of a trial of new technology for the processing of OAP Bus Pass applications. Taking time out from talking to his organic cabbage crop at Sandringham, he explained to reporters that he sincerely hoped his application would not be unduly delayed when the Panel discovered that he was in receipt of free transport in all registered Stage Carriages. Two days after the handover of power, the London Marathon had more than its usual number of entries from jug-eared princes, Cornish clot duchesses, Will Shakespeare lookalikes and other Harry Enfield-esque caricatures reflecting topical news items, including Princess Tony figures, many dressed in little more than a halo and a mobile telephone with a direct line to Himupstairs@heaven.com. The April Showers during the month were not the usual expected topping up of the country’s rivers and streams. In fact, standpipes were introduced in a number of rural communities and United Utilities held the urban population to ransom with demands for water bills showing an average 55% increase on billing for similar usage for 2005. In the first half of the month there was more snowfall than rainfall, which did not make for any significant improvement in water supplies. Before the end of April, Manchester United and Chelsea demonstrated clearly an alternative meaning of the term “Shower” when the behaviour of both teams and their respective (but far from respected) managers led to both clubs being charged by the FA with “bringing the game into disrepute”. And finally (to use the catchphrase of a well-known TV news anchorman): The rebirth of The British Isles under its new title “Northern Territories, United Europe” became official on May 1st, Dependence Day. It is intended to make this a Public Holiday awarded (without pay) once every fourth year to the indigenous population of the country in recognition of their fiscal contributions (in the form of stealth taxes) to the salaries and pensions of the non-executive unappointed bureaucrats in Brussels. This will replace the inconvenience of adding an extra day to the month of February in leap years. Figures released on the same day by QUEERS (Quango for European Economic Research Statistics) showed that we finally deserve the epithet “United Kingdom”. For the first time since records began, the number of non-UK passport holders resident in the country exceeded the number of those born in the Northern Territories................
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