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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > CHEEK!! BY JOWELL.
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Comedy
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| CHEEK!! BY JOWELL. | |
| By gerardconnolly | ||||||||||||||||||||
| 07 March 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||
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I must stop the gags. It'll interfer with my image as the greatest modern novelist since Thomas Mann's classic reworking of 'Spot the Dog'. More feared than Bird Flu, scientists have for some time been concerned that 'Wenger's Eye', an affliction which causes otherwise perfectly sighted people to experience mass genocide only inches from their face and not notice a thing, might spread. Thus far confined to turkeys in the football management community, the worry is that the deadly 4-4-2 formation of the virus could mutate and infect the population at large. SCENE. The jolly Jowell household wherein live the two Tooting turkeys Tubby 'n Tess. David 'Basil Brush' Mills, [Tubby] husband to our lovable Culture Secretary 'Tess of the Dunderheads' Jowell, has just picked up the morning post. She is got up, as usual, as Flopsie Bunny. Tubby : Ooooooooooh! Tessie! Postieeee's brought a pressie from Silvio! Chequeeeeeeeee! Tess : Ooooooooooooh! I didn't hear that! Tubby : Boom! Boom! Mr Dereck! Tess : What's the time? Tubby : Time for mortgage signeeeeee! [ She signs document headed MICKY MOUSE MORGAGE CORPORATION with flourish of huge of gold ministerial pen flagged 'A Gift from Someone You Never Met' . Tess : Ooooooooooh! I didn't sign that! Tubby : Boom! Boom! Mr Dereck! Tess : What day is it? Tubby : It's look in bankeeeeee Day for big deposit! [She stares at cheque and salivates] Tess : Ooooooooooh! I didn't see that! Tubby : Boom! Boom! Mr Dereck! Tess : Who am I? Tubby : You're Tessie the veeeeeeeery rich turkey! Tess : Ooooooooooh! I didn't know that! Tubby : Boom! Boom! Mr Dereck! [Doorbell rings.] Tess : Who's that? Tubby : Men in White Coateeeeeees! Time for Tessie to go walkeeeeeeeies. Off to cut benefits for nasty lazieeeees! [ She is carted off. Cut to Radio Broadcast in Prime Minister's Office] THIS IS THE BBC MIDDAY NEWS. WE ARE GETTING REPORTS THAT AN OVERSIZED GOVERNMENT TURKEY HAS BEEN FOUND TO HAVE THE FATAL 4-4-2 STRAIN OF WENGER'S EYE..... PPS to Prime Minister :..... Yes..... It appears its the Jowell woman, My Liege. No doubt about it. Very bad case , I understand. I'm told she'll be certified this afternoon. Asked by the Parliamentary Commisioner for Standards about her signature on the a multiplicity of mortgage documents, I am told she replied ' I did not see ze incident myself, but I shall be studying ze video and ze report of ze Match Referee'. One less supporter for the Iraq War, I' m afraid....... Prime Minister : War...? Iraq? What war?......Oooooooooh! I DIDN'T START THAT!
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My flabber has never been so ghasted in all my nautral ..... 
mad - we get EVEN!!!
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