Rewrite of a piece I posted back in May. Open to all criticism and comments.
Still unsure about some of it, would appreciate any suggestions on how to improve.
This has only been tweaked really, but I do have reservations about lines 11, 12, and 15. All crit welcome.
Cheers
'A man who works with his hands is a laborer. A man who works with his
hands and his brain is a craftsman. A man who works with his hands, brains,
and heart is an artist.'
Louis Nizer
The base materials, dense, drip oil from his rack.
Some solid as consonants, others hollow as vowels,
enticing manipulation over the anvil's back,
or desiring to be smoothly rolled during an intimate hour.
Our artist, though, must delay such sensuous delights
and study the drawings, purpose, structure of his work.
Once all is measured, marked, its ghost in sight,
the rack then offers sacrifices for the birth.
A metre is mitred with the precision of a Mec Brown's blade.
Hollows, solids fused for a crude blank frame.
Ornamental finials stand proud on the palisade,
and decorative scrolls within - a steel refrain.
Now all that's left for him is to fettle the welds -
steadily, mercilessly polishing all as smooth
as the ringing of belted metal, as caramel,
as the mythical honey trickled into the ear by the muse.
|
Really like Written by fellpony (2678 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
... what you've done with the last section, Brett. "the ringing of belted metal" is superb. Caramel... yes, I suppose so...You have a tactile image (smoothness of the welds), two aural ones (ringing, and honey trickled into the ear), and I see why you want a taste image too. I can't think of another that will offer you the near-rhyme as well as the smoothness! Still think "deny" could be better as "delay"  |
Thanks Sue Written by Brett (2373 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
I had forgotten 'deny'! Shall change that now. Still unsure of some of this. Thanks again, much appreciated. Cheers |
You ask . . . Written by Katanga (3563 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
. . . so I shall humbly respond. I really rated it the first time . . . Line 11: Fine by me - 'palisade' = a row of stakes - perfect image for the end of a production line. Line 12: 'a steel refrain' - music / industry combined in the image? Brilliant! Last two lines? You have 'as' X 3. That's the only niggle! Very much admired - if I've misunderstood you in the comments above, please get back to me . . . Cheers! John |
Written by Phil (8637 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
Don't know if you've changed line 4 since last time - but if not, I missed it then. It struck me as very good. I see Sue's point, but deny and delay have different meanings. I suspect delay is more accurate as most us hardly ever deny anything in the long run. Small point, and possibly not worth making. Could be Sue and I are coming at this from slightly different angles. Could be gender makes a difference in this case. Saw no probs with 11 and 12. In fact, I really like 12. The last verse frames the whole and works really well. 'Mercilessly' is very telling. Sorry to be awkward - the only line that struck me as not quite fitting the rest was 10. A simple, almost emotionless statement. The idea of hollow and solid becoming something new certainly needs to be there - just unsure of the way it is put. Like this very much. It tells it's story on two clear levels with many other ideas bubbling below the surface. Phil |
Phil Written by fellpony (2678 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
-- has not spotted that you have already changed deny TO delay |
Thanks John and Phil Written by Brett (2373 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
John - palisade - also iron railings. And 'refrain' I was hoping would reflect the refrain of a verse as well as the continuing pattern of the decorative scrolls. Last two lines - yes, not sure if that would work. Must give it some thought - reaction open to all readers!!! Phil - Thanks. Yes line 10 was mentioned before I think. Have tried a rewrite - any better? Need more? Appreciate your thoughts Brett |
Written by Phil (8637 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
Bugger - misread. So - I reckon you're right to use 'delay.' Sorry, Sue. Yep, line 190 better for me. It's lost it's matter of factness. Phil |
And miscounted! Written by Brett (2373 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
line 190? This isn't the Iliad! But thanks, Phil Cheers |
Written by Phil (8637 comments posted) 1st July 2009 |
| Jeez - bit dusty tonight. |
Hi Written by maipenrai (1001 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 |
Brett, I remember this and thought I had commented on it,but obviously did not, must have been one of my dotage days Anyway here goes. I think what you have done here is good, you have taken readers like myself who have no previous knowledge of the subject into that world if only for a moment or two. Liked it. Bernie |
Written by wendycat (1514 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
Loved the first version. But this is just wonderful. Each line seems to possess the language, it's smooth and speaks on several levels. Obviously the metal working element, the creative process and also something of a love interest, unless I'm very mistaken. Enjoyed this so much. Wendy x |
Written by Brett (2373 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
Bernie and Wendy thank you! Bernie - I think you may find you have some knowledge of what I was alluding to Wendy - thanks again. Yes, the steel fabrication was a metaphor for the creative process (intentionally poetry, of course ) As for 'a love interest' - not consciously, but I would be interested to know your reading, here or by pm. Cheers |
Last time ... Written by patterjack (1860 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
]... good This time GREAT patterjack who remembers reading somewhere that the beat of the hammer on the anvil is the basis of English meter |
Here! Here! Written by Katanga (3563 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
To echo Brian on the anvil, I think you've now fettled your poem to perfection! But I only play the triangle . . . Cheers! John |
Written by Brett (2373 comments posted) 4th July 2009 |
Thanks Brian, and John (again) I'm still a little unsure of some of this, I think it best that I leave it, do not even read it, for a month or so and then see how it reads. Appreciate all the above comments. Cheers |
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