Inspired by, and dedicated to, patterjack - I could ramble on, but I won't. 'Less is more' in intros, I've heard tell around these parts! Sound advice, methinks! Cheers! John.
Summertime Fuse
Emotions, striking in this treacle-sun,
run riot, hold me hostage for a week,
seek only to betray what we've begun.
The fun we had has left me feeling bleak.
In creaking rhyme, I try to sweat it out,
doubt all advice on keeping calm and cool,
drool, literally, for I'm a lustful lout,
about the flesh that flashes round the pool.
Fool heart, I know you're not the one to blame,
who came to rest his fever-sweated brow,
however rancid in both heart and name.
The shame of love will not reveal us now.
How hard to promise not to call my muse.
I refuse to banish summer to autumnal blues.
|
I see
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 |
this internal end/beginning rhyming is going to be the new black  And golly, another sonnet, eh! |
Ha! Sue!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 |
You sussed it - a case of form ruling over content, methinks?!
Well - my experiment is not rocket science. I'm glad I didn't explain what I was trying to do in the intro.
You've done it for me . . .
Many thanks! I wonder what Brian will make of it?!
Are you there? Yo ho!
Cheers!
John |
Hot over there ?
Written by patterjack (1927 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 |
Cold over here .
It ain't easy to use what I think is partly defined as * Linked Rhyme * -- there are several kinds of it actually
And I am sure I have seen ( trust the Greek rhetoricians in this ) a rather fancy word that is more exact than that .
I might ungraciously nitpick about * IN creaking * and * WHO came * and two other examples , but I know from my own experience that it would not be hard to let them go by while struggling .
Great attempt , interesting read
patterjack |
Thanks Brian!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 |
Glad you saw this - a tribute to your rhyme scheme.
I don't quite understand your misgivings above, but I know the meter creaks between iambs and trochees, especially at the beginnings of some lines.
I sweated somewhat to give it any sense at all, given my seelf-inflicted rhyme scheme!
Just for fun!
Respect!
Cheers!
John |
I meant...
Written by patterjack (1927 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 |
... that , though creaking rhymes well enough with bleak and came precisely with blame in those two cases in , who technically push the rhyme back .
But who cares , really ! Let's not be pedantic !!!
patterjack |
Ah, yes!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
Now I see what you mean, Brian - I was being dense.
I was trying to be clever and include some two-syllable rhymes e.g. lines 3 / 4 'begun / the fun', 4 / 5 '-ing bleak / in creak'.
Now I see how this breaks the mould and does indeed 'push the rhyme back!
Sadly, the couplet breaks the strict scheme further with 'my muse / I refuse' with a wretched extra syllabe.
Oh well, thanks Brian - it was fun trying this experiment!
Cheers!
John |
Why does it need to fit?
Written by Stig (45 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
It appears you have been hit by the thing you dislike the most.
"meter creaks between iambs and trochees, especially at the beginnings of some lines.
the couplet breaks the strict scheme further with 'my muse / I refuse' with a wretched extra syllable. "
But maybe now you'll see it doesn't matter quite so much.
it works, the poem flows, I can hear the rhymes that were intended and I enjoyed the sentiment.
I like this poem the way it is, just as i have liked poems by yourself and others before the metre police have attacked them.
but it is the poets prerogative to tinker with their work as they choose,
or not as the case may be. |
Meter Police ?
Written by patterjack (1927 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
Not me , Stig , if that's who you mean . As I said to K , above :
But who cares , really ! Let's not be pedantic !!!
My own metrics are generally all over the place , but on this occasion I was referring solely to what I think is , tecnically , linked rhyme .and not to the other aspects of the poem which are fine !
I'd guess K himself would be cognisant of what I was on about !
patterjack |
Technically yet !
Written by patterjack (1927 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
OOPS! 
patterjack |
I don't see
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
patterjack as a member of any 'meter police', Stig, though thanks for your support!
He is extremely helpful and gives exccellent to-the-point advice, for which I am always grateful.
Cheers!
John |
Brilliant
Written by Cherubaby (12 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
I am baffled by all the technical bits...all a bit clueless really! But I loved the poem!
Would love to learn more about the technical details...is there a sight you can refer me to?
Any pointers on writing sonnets cos I'd love to give it a shot! |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
You're nicked! Poetry Plod here. Thought the meter was fine - very natural until the last line. Reads better without the 'I' at the beginning of the line - but that changes the meaning.
Actually - just read it again. I reckon you get off on a technicality - the one that I'm a bit thick. (Good qualification for plodding) Sounds okay this time.
Enjoyed this. You seemed to good job with the linked rhymes too.
Phil |
Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
| Cherubaby, they only know what they've learnt from books. They weren't born with this knowledge. ha ha John, here's wishing you a sizzling, sizzling summer with lots of bikini girls to watch. ha ha But perhaps there aren's too many in London unless you have a swimming pool. Great poem and great metre. I do like poems with metre. They feel to me to be "proper English poetry" and many others agree with me. Please continue. |
Sorry!
Written by Stig (45 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
No one in particular! well actually can think of a couple people might qualify.......
I know everyone is just offering their advice and I meant no offence.
Though some of you have definately been counting one too many syllables!!!
I think you should lay off yourselves sometimes, and just write the poems the way they feel in your heart, when they first come to you, naturally. it does show through.
they may not add up exactly the way planned, but you can feel the raw passion.
the one that bri a tear to your eye as you write, are th ones that bring a tear to your eye when you read.
but again its just my opinion, and after the other week, I have been trying to keep them to my self! 
anyway, I'll read any edited version and give you my "expert" opinion another day
Soaps.
x |
Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
| Stig, how right you are. I only meant that you can learn about metre from books, which is how we all learnt, but I dare not use the SF words on here again or I will be thrown off, ha ha. I'll tell you what: I wrote most of my poems well before I had heard about iambic feet. I only learned of these last year. I just wrote as you said "from the heart". They were much better poems then. Learning about metre means now that I have to check my work more. ha ha |
Art V Craft?
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 |
An old, but fascinating debate - thanks Stig and Josie, although the above three reviews might be better off in a 'discussion' thread, since there is zero reference to the poem?
Again an old, but wise IMHO, piece of wisdom - you have to know the rules before you can break them with a worthwhile result.
In my poem, I am experimenting with fixed formulas - patterjack's 'linked rhyme' and the conventional Shakespearian sonnet. Difficult but fun - 'craft' wins a little credit - 'art' loses out, methinks!
I have rarely tried 'free verse' - if any of my efforts have any virtue, I feel it's only because I am constantly aware of the temptation to stick to 'fixed forms' of rhyme and meter, so I think I know whatb I('m doing when I wrench myself away.
I know that might sound 'arrogant' - all I mean is that it's different from 'splurging' emotion onto paper with random line-breaks.
I know almost nothing about painting, but if I were an artist, I would want to know a lot about brushstrokes etc before fliging a paintpot at a canvas and claiming it was art. However, there are exceptions . . .
End of ranting ramble . . .
Many thanks to you!
Cheers!
John X |
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