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By JohnnyD
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02 July 2009 |
RAINFALL
In every single part of the world
Hearts break
Tears roll down
Evaporate
Flying heavenwards
The sound of breaking hearts
Thunderous
As heaven cries
Rain falls
To soothe the pieces
Johnny D
3rd July 2009
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Written by PurplePyro7 (366 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 | I really liked this, as the short lines kind of give emphasis, and 'sound' to it, if you get my meaning..? 'Hearts break' and 'Tears roll down' were like flash images with momentary sound, which I thought was great. 'Thunderous' really added to this effect too, as the sound of a breaking heart. And I like the way the soothing quality of the rain is linked to the tears.
Nicely done, I enjoyed it 
PP7 | Oh Johnny!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 | Do you know the British wartime song, that goes,
'Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh!' etc?
Never mind if you don't, it dooesn'y matter!
A few comments:
'every single' - you don't need 'single'
'Hearts break' - cliche? Yes, they do, as does mine.
'Tears roll down', cliche again - yes, what else do they do? Try to think of a different way that tears act / fulfill their role (forgive the pun) in our sorry lives.
'Heard in earth' - by what? I don't understand!
How do 'tears soothe the pieces'?
Sorry, Johnny - I know these comments are harsh, but you don't seem to have taken any well-meant advice on board since I joined, 16 months ago.
Cheers!
John
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Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 2nd July 2009 | So it's people's broken hearts that create monsoons and thunderstorms? I thought this was a wonderful idea. A bit surrealistic, but it seems like something you could write a story around, or else at least a scene from some romantic drama. I think it's already a great poem for that idea alone.
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