hopefully, a more concise version.
With the "few" typos sorted just for you cliff, apologies, I didnt realise there were so many!
Emotions oceans, our own bad magic potions,
a tragic curse we are well versed to converse with.
Though could we? Should we? And what if we did,
chance to dance the dance to advance…..
Morals descending, pretending never ending,
always on the edge, preparing for defending.
We are isolated, divided, ego and pride derided,
conscience dying from lying, ducking and diving,
our true selves hiding behind solitude when seeking solace.
Under sufferance of silence our minds distorting, resorting,
to anarchy and violence. Feelings divorce us, enforce us,
on our self destructing course for us.
It’s unashamedly the same old story,
though many more more gory, we seek glory!?
Moving in a whirlwind of whirling circles where deception
is considered the essence of pure discretion.
For our own protection, it’s time for a complete confession.
We crave absolution to save us from utter desolation,
though it doesn't seem all that appealing to be revealing past misdemeanours,
who does it impress if we dress for success but secretly suppress
the stress this mess has left us? We must confess!
Assess the assignations of our self assassinations, with patience.
Or sink, to the rock bottoms of emotion oceans of our own creations.
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Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 4th July 2009 | You've clearly worked hard at this - getting all the rhymes in. I guess, more than anything, this is meant as a performance piece. As such, it would be nice to hear it as you intended. I tripped over the pulse in one or two places - could be me. Again, could be me, but I felt there was a case of style over substance here. In other words - you shoe-horned your words into form and rhyme at the cost of greater clarity. I suppose, for me, there's not enough of the concrete in it - but that's personal preference. Phil | Well Soaps.. Written by penstroke (429 comments posted) 4th July 2009 | ..lines 3 and 4 remind me of the Barbra Streisand song, 'The way we were'. I like the tempo of this and agree with Phil that to get the best from this it needs to be performed and maybe contain something less abstract. In it's current form it is very musical, I can hear it being performed to an urban kind of backing track. It would then not need anything concrete to grab hold of and any bumps can be performed in as opposed to out, using voice. I like the direction you are going. Thank you, Clifford. | Written by sometimes (19 comments posted) 4th July 2009 | I couldn't quite keep up with the form of this as a poem but that is by no means a criticsm - its just how my mind works, probably a bit slow I could however keep up with it with the introduction of bass and wrapped away to myself quite contentedly. Enjoyed - thanks | thank you all! Written by Stig (45 comments posted) 4th July 2009 | I debated over posting the original as I was not sure whether it fitted in this forum. Mum refers to it as my "eminem stuff". (her way of showing she knows how to get down with the kids-her words not mine) It is a performance piece, most of what I write is, but i could never perform it for anyone-ironic I know. I barely even managed to put it here. if there is somewhere better.... It is still important to me that I manage to convey my message and I'm feeling it has been entirley lost. any guesses? maybe the abstact did take over a little, but not really sure what should stay and what needs clarifying, so I you do have any ideas they are wecomed. but as for shoe horn-ing The first version i posted had been edited to about two thirds my original and this has been done again. The words in my head tumble over themselves to get out and often I am spoilt for choice when it comes to rhymes, but not necessarily the right words! I get carried away with writng, forgetting "beginning, middle, end" and sometimes I get so confused with it even I dont know what I am talking about...but thats not just my poems. thanks again, Soaps xxx |
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