A man walks into a large DIY store, lets call it Q&B for the purposes of obviously referring to B&Q. He strolls into the vast paint section and stares at the rows of paint stretching out before him. A baffled expression slowly forms on his face before he decides to politely accost a member of staff for assistance.
‘excuse me’
‘yes sir, how can I help’
‘im looking to decorate the upsrairs bedroom and I was looking for a shade of purple, can you point me in the right direction?’
The attendant, a slightly grubby but well intentioned individual in his late 30’s furrows his brow and repeats ‘pur-ple?’
He continues ‘im afraid im not familiar with that shade sir. perhaps I can help you choose another’
‘youre not familiar with purple?’ asks the man with bemusement.
‘im afraid not sir’
‘im sorry but I find that hard to believe. Is there someone else who can help?’
At this point another member of staff comes over and addressing them both asks how he can help.
‘well this gentleman is looking for a shade we don’t cover, its called…im sorry sir would you mind telling my colleague how you say it’
‘its called purple’ says the man with dry agitation.
‘ah yes’ says the second man’ I believe we can refer him to our Bruised range. ‘see here’. He leads them both a bit further along the ailse. ‘Perhaps our Bruised Swan’ would be to your liking, it’s a very popular choice.
‘Bruised Swan…? Well at least it is sort of purple’
‘or perhaps this end of the range, you can choose from Dead Leg, right the way through to Anal Prolapse and one that’s enjoying something of a comeback; M25 Road kill’
‘look’ says the man, this is for my childs bedroom’ im really not sure this is appropriate…’
‘Childs Bedroom you say’ replies the assistant, ‘well the common thought is that a calming neutral is good for a childs resting place. How about this’ he indicates a tin
‘Epileptic vole?’
‘or this’ he points to another
'Socialist nutmeg'??
'or pehaps this'
‘Disillusioned whelk??? I’m sorry but this is ridiculous, who on earth comes up with these names? i cant seriously choose any of these and I am afraid I am going to have to take my custom else..
He is in mid sentence when an almighty explosion takes the words from his mouth. They are all thrown to the floor as the shelves and tins around them ignite spontaneously, as do the staff and customers, their eyes and hair suddenly aflame as they are engulfed in a burning maelstrom of pain and noise and chaos. They carbonate in moments, the scene turning into a living depiction of hell before an almighty blast takes the roof and walls away and levels the entire store in a heartbeat, a wind like the very breath of lucifer taking the ashen remains of our heroes away into the swirling oblivion.
Elsewhere in London and around the UK a series of similar nuclear detonations wreak unholy damage to the sceptered isle and its good peoples, a result of the recent lapse in global security policies and North Koreas willingness to sell its nuclear arsenal to the highest bidder. In this case the buyer and mastermind a certain Carlos Del Toro Junior, the son of a deceased Venezuelan oil baron and the benefactor of his late fathers vast fortune. As a child Carlos was known to enjoy casual arson and despite years of expensive therapy he was never cured of this dangerous fascination.
His motive for the meticulously planned attacks in the UK and across the world a simple one; he liked to destroy things, and thanks to a pampered and ultimatley frustrated exisitence he had found license and time to engineer his horrendous conclusion for mankind.
700 years later when the lands had cooled and vegetation and civilization had once again begun to sprout across the broken wasteland that was once mother earth, a man and his son sit on the outskirts of their village, a collection of huts and teepees close to the region that used to be known as Hull, watching the sun set. They are dressed in simple fur loins, a basic garment worn ‘neath the baking heat of the plains. The son leans down and picks up an item that has blown across the plain and rested near his feet. He lifts it and shows it to his father. There is writing on the item.
The son turns to his father, attempting to read the words and says hesitantly; ‘Twi ix?’
The father nods sagely and puts his arm over his sons shoulder. Soon the autumn winds will come and tomorrow they must rise early to protect the harvest. He is confident that his son will grow to be a strong and honorable man. Together they rise and walk back to their hut, the blazing red evening sky stretching their shadows far ahead of them as they walk. |
First Impression
Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 | | Look, it is only my first observation, but don't you think you could go over this and put your capital letters, apostrophes etc in the right place, and check it over for spelling mistakes? This is my first impression. I'll come back. | I expected
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 | this to be something along the lines of Norman the Calculating Ferret, and the opening seemed to be going that way so I thought that the punch line would be a wild reaction from the frustrated paint buyer. I was completely thrown by the nuclear explosion (I mean you would be wouldn't you) and the sudden jump of 700 years into the future. Surreal is one thing (I liked the Twix wrapper blowing across from 700 years ago), but completely unconnected is something else 
I agree that a nuclear explosion would take everybody by surprise and they'd be in the middle of doing something utterly random, but I think you spent too much time on that Q&B stuff and sort of forgot the rest. |
Written by sasquatch (136 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 | Hi Josie
yes i agree, my punctuation and speling is utter shite. theyve never interested me much. though i did run this through spellcheck, so i blame bill gates.
Hi fellpony
im glad the ending wasnt what you expected.
cheers
Sasquatch |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 | Well you could never be accused of being conventional - at least round here. For all I know you read the Daily Mail, vote Tory and spit bile. I guess that would make you relatively normal.
Surreal, yes.
Odd, I found the blue text pretty calming. Mogadon sky?
Phil |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 3rd July 2009 | Farrow and Ball did a shade called "Dead Salmon" which was inspired.
The paint thing was reasonable, and funny, but then it veered off into what seems to be a totally 'nother story. Maybe separate them?
And as for not being keen on punctuation; well, your readers might be. It was invented to make things easier to follow and more radable, so do them a favour. The spellchecker won't cure your punctuation, you have to employ a little care and attention.
V |
Written by sasquatch (136 comments posted) 4th July 2009 | Hi Phil
i do actually read the mail on sunday sometimes. i like the review suppliment.
I think the blue is called wretched pond, but glad you glad it.
hope youre well.
Hi Veronica.
Farrow and Ball are way ahead of me.
the idea was to have two completely contrasting parts, i thought that was obvious.
and thanks for the pompous lecture on the ethics of proper punctuation. the day when use of capital letters is the main subject of discussion on a 'comedy' page is a dark day for said page. well done.
cheers
sasquatch |
Written by wendycat (2302 comments posted) 5th July 2009 | I thought the paint discussion was really funny, I wanted more! But I also enjoyed the surreal second half (Twix?-love it) Well written, a very enjoyable comedic little piece.
incidently, I'm reading it with a slight hangover, that blue writing really messed with my head, I thought i was having some sort of brain aneurysm from over doing the vodka!!!!
Wendy
x |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 5th July 2009 | I'm so glad your mother has relented at last.
I could sympathise totally about the paint. I wanted a tin of brown paint,once, and was sold a tin of Hogarth; could have been any colour.
Anyone who can come up with 'Socialist Nutmeg' can be forgiven any grammar malfunction IMHO.
It could really end no other way. Nucear Holocaust and a twix wrapper; what else could you want?
You are an evil genius
jane |
Written by sasquatch (136 comments posted) 6th July 2009 | Hi Wendy
glad you enjoyed, and i hope your hangover has now passed. onwards to the next one.
I do hope that they have twix's in the future. if mankind does truley face a bleak and desolate future, then a chococlate and caramel based snack, spread over two crisp biscuit fingers, may be all the hope we have to cling on to.
Hi Jane
a paint called hogarth? it sounds more like an amercian wrestler. or a large dog.
i recently had to decorate and was amused by some of the names. i ended up going for almost oyster. i couldnt help feeling dissapointed though, it was almost oyster, but not actually oyster. it felt like a near miss and subsequently the room i painted now has an underlying atmosphere of failure. a bit like this piece.
hope all is well with your good self
Sasquatch |
Written by coosh (1156 comments posted) 7th July 2009 | Ah! Is this a parody of the prequel to 'Mad Max'... the one where Hot Chocolate sing 'It Started With A Twix...". Using the wrappers as a core element in the casing of nuclear reactors was quite controversial in the old days, until Chernobyl.
I think the rampant two-fingeredness of your approach to punctuation has probably over-concealed the high-powered intellectualism which usually emanates from a Dulux colour-chart. Always enjoy your nuttiness... Is Mr. Wilkinson a radiator-humping shade of tortoisehell? |
Written by sasquatch (136 comments posted) 15th July 2009 | thanks cooshmeister. it is indeed a take of mad max. if anyone has seen the little know 'mad max 4 - assignment miami beach' they will know that the whole saga concludes with a rebuilt society and a scene in a large diy store. i just applied a twisteroo to that theme.
as to mr wilinson; he left some months ago, last i heard he was based in tel aviv and was second in command for an extremist branch of the PLO.
(NB; to any fbi operatives who have found this post via a web search, i am only joking, mr wilkinson is a cat) |
Written by Sharmistha (71 comments posted) 15th August 2009 | The blue colour...yes...I started out thinking it was probably my eyes, too. 
My fist visit to comedy and i really like what you've written here. I've never been shopping for paint but i sincerely hope they don't actually have names like those (or even anywhwere close to them!), or my walls might remain unpainted forever.
The nuclear explosion twist was absolutely surreal and threw me off so completely for a moment i wondered if there was going to be some strange paint-based hitherto-unheard-of phenomenon (the things lack of sleep does to your imagination i tell you!).
The holocaust too was an interesting effect. it took me a while to decide that 'Twi ix' was not communication in a primeval language created by the men in loin clothes!
Basically a good read!
Sharmistha | Less is more?
Written by Appenzeller (9 comments posted) 5th September 2009 | Loved the parody on paint names - you had me chortling out loud. But you lost me after disillusioned whelk with all the exploding business.
Wish you'd do a radical edit and tighten up the paint parody section, give it a suitably barbed ending and cut and paste everything after 'disillusioned whelk' into another piece.
You've got two great dishes here and they'd be better served on two different plates.
Thanks for the paint related laughs though.
RJ |
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