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Poetry


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The Lady Dressed in Red Revamped

By brook_rivers

09 March 2006

Slipping into the slinky, satin dress,
Such a radiant and vibrant rouge
Reflecting the rose’s blossoming
In the delicate canvas of her skin.
The feeling so exquisite and ethereal,
The excitement incomparable to anything previously experienced.

Gorgeous brunette waves, with a golden sheen,
Naturally tumbling and flowing around the expectant face,
Expensive gold adorning the nape of her neck,
Her figure wrapped in intense emotions,
Colour carefully covering the perfectly shaped nails,
The added glamour of inch high heels.

A breathtaking view,
As he adores her for the first time
In this beautiful fashion,
The sparkle of her laughing eyes
Mirroring the twinkling stars above
Causing him to smile at such an enchanting vision.

Reviews

A considerable improvement!
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 10th March 2006

This is definitely a step up from the previous version. There's much more shape to it now; the verses flow more easily and give a feeling of structure and rhythm which wasn't there before. With each line just holding one image or idea, the picture you paint becomes that much more vibrant - by the end of the poem I'm picturing the scene really vividly. The alliteration works much better too, although there are still a few places where I'd have been inclined to tone it down a bit ("colour carefully covering"), but that's just me.

The one area where I think work may still be needed is that I still feel your adjectives and adverbs are a little overloaded. "NATURALLY tumbling", "EXPENSIVE gold", "this BEAUTIFUL fashion" - the extra descriptive words seem to me to be surplus to requirements, as the picture that you paint is strong enough for us to feel the beauty without your needing to labour the point for us. And gold is ALWAYS expensive, so there's no need to state it here!

Good work though. It's amazing the difference a bit of virtual red pen can make sometimes

Much Tighter!
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 10th March 2006

I don't consider myself a poet, but I agree with the above.
One of my tutors at Uni defined poetry as "the art of saying as much as possible in the least number of words" (or something along those lines!)
This IMHO fulfils his criteria ..... :grin

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