OK. Forgive me if I have missed anything, but I've tried to summarise all the info to date.

The plot so far..

Meet Harry, 27. A lazy so and so who has never had a job. He's giving Mrs. Loveday something to hang her towels on whilst husband Terry does nightshift at the sweet factory. He's got two sisters. Tanya, the Village slapper (who's had more sausage through her than a hotdog canning factory and works at the local pub, the Leg Of Lamb). and brook. Intelligent girl, but hides an alter ego. Nobody knows what it is she gets up to on her regular trips out of the Village. Works as a scriptwriter, and fancies the arse off Chris Mann. Both girls are 20 and twins. brook is much prettier, but Tanya boasts the biggest tits. Their parents died some years ago at the fairground. They share their late parents house.

Then there's the George family. They run the Wishing Well Cafe. Head of the family is Ernie 56, who also operates the milk delivery service. His electric milk float is the fastest in the West, or so he claims. His wife (so far only known as Mrs. George), same age, and daughter (Jenny, early 20's) look after the cafe. George is secretly a wannabe Poet. However, sinister activity between Doris 60, (a busy-body who works for Chris Mann 31, who owns the Post office), and Sam, (the old bloke who runs the shoe shop and strapped himself naked to the door of the KFC when it opened,) are afoot, and the two are taking a keen interest in Ernie's poetry...

The Jones family run the Jumping Bean. Rose Jones, 48 has three daughters and a son. Louise 17, Natasha 19, and Debbie 21, run the coffee shop, whilst their brother Bob 25, is the lower ranking of the two Village police 'force'. He holds rank of constable, and answers to Sgt. Bagheera, 38. An avid football fan, who hides a terrible secret. (He's just joined Man. Utd. Supporters Anonymous to try and get over this cruel affliction). He likes his Village crime-free and quiet. He dreads the summer months when cyber-townies come, along with their litter, vehicles and drunken behaviour.

Jean Day (60's) runs the Florist, she's the Miss Marple of the Village. Always happy to stick her nose in other peoples business.... and pockets. (she has a record of theft but thinks nobody knows, and often reads more into innocent liasons than is actually there) She is suspicious of Miss Walker (25 years old and the Primary School teacher who bunks off now and again) and Tanya, who she has spied and overheard conspiring together recently in the grave yard of the church. The church is run by an Irishman, Father Gerrard of Connolly, 50, who prefers spare time to prayer time, which he fills selling drugs and getting pissed. Rumours abound that the choir boys (the younger the better) in his church get more than they bargained for when they are summoned to his vestry. You can see him every night in the Leg Of Lamb...


...(breathe)...

....which is run by Freddie West. A local rascal in his late 40's who's only lived in the Village for 5 years and already has an indecent assault case against him for a harmless grope of Mary Walker's tits one night to which she took offence. A keen gardener and home improvement practitioner, he also rents out the spare room above the pub to strays and young ladies travelling alone whenever he can. The police have, to date, in no way linked him to the series of disappearances currently occuring in the area. He has extended his patio 3 times since moving in, and is thinking of renting a nearby allotment. Fred buys his top-soil from Lockerbie (This will later become a significant factor in his defence teams case when he goes on trial, sometime in the future)

Chris Mann owns the post office, which he bought with the money he brought back from his years abroad. Though a shady character, he's devilishly handsome and his underpants are rumoured to be the home of the longest maroon-capped mutton dagger this side of Jamaica. Nobody knows just how he aquired his wealth, but all who knew him as a boy, are sure it wasn't through hard work! He had been born in the Village but left when he was 17. He returned much to the delight of brook who is keen to get herself noticed by him, as she knows Tanya will also be eager to taste his wares, given her penchant for trouser snake....

Lady Nascent's blue blooded family has presided over the Village community for generations from their stately home on the hill. Now in her early 60's, she is very reclusive but yearns to one day rule with an iron fist as her great, great grandfather Lord Nascent III once did. There are rumours in the Village that occasionally she disguises herself as a commoner, and strolls through the Village, her ears wagging and the slightest hint of a bit of gossip. However, nobody knows for sure what she even looks like. She has a white cat, which she likes to stroke on the head, whilst it's sitting on her knee as she reclines in her high backed chair, which is perched in front of the window of her bedroom that looks down on the Village.