Scene. Newsnight Studio with Jeremy 'Jerzy' Paxman, celebrated arrogant Oxbridge pratt; and his interviwee. Some form of possibly human detritus, Ricky Tomlinson lookalike in hood and trainers, tattooed LFC=UVF, stinking of cat's pee aftershave swiped from the Offie and smoking a huge spliff. A style popularised by Trinny and Susannah as 'Anfield Chic '.


Paxman : Welcome.Newsnight now reports that Scouse Bobby, Sid the Scally Professor of Applied Theoretical Thieving at the New University of Toxteth has won this year's Nobel Prize for Nicking. His research, funded by a generous grant taken at gunpoint from a Securitas van, has enabled the thieving community of Liverpool, long acknowledged trailblazers in the field of the removal of valuables without consent, to advance to the forefront of the world's criminal cretins. His discovery? The Self Stealing Motor !!! Long thought impossible, his breakthrough means the Liverpool lowlife that spends his time drugged up to his eyeballs on smack in bed wi' two dogs from over Kirby waiting for the Giro from the Social, need never again have the bother of bricking up a car.Hailed as the most important step forward in promoting larceny since Liverpool itself won the title of European City of Stealing, the 'Scouse Principle of Beneficial Motion' will revolutionise the lives of deadbeat dossers from Wirral to Walton to West Derby.

Professor welcome to Newsnight. You must be very proud.

Scouse : Ta. Yeah. Right. I'm well made up.

Paxman : Tell us something about the events leading up to your discovery.

Scouse :Yeah. Right. Defo! Well like see I does a bouncer's job two night's a week while me tart's out pullin' punters. Mind I don't say nothin' t' th' Social. But it keeps me well up wi' th' physicals like. So see like I know the' bottom line is like what that divi......What's 'is name said...... Feller wi' th' name like Kirby.....

Paxman : Herbie?

Scouse : No

Paxman : Derby?

Scouser : No

Paxman : Kathy Kirby?

Scouse : Yeah. That's it! Goes wi' Kirby. New Town! That's th' fecker!

Paxman : Newton?

Scouse : New Town's Law!!

Paxman : For every action there is an equal reaction?

Scouse : Too feckin' right there is, Tonto. Like when I lifts a motor, straight up th' Bizzies breeze round th' tart's place an' lift me! Now normal like, anthin' t' do wi' law 'as Red Rum 'ere peddlin' backwards . But then I got this wheeze f' a scam. It was when I was out theivin' f' me tart on account o' she was needin' to do some rocks 'cause of her bein' up f' turnin' Tricks an' wantin' t' look 'er best. That's when I gets t' thinkin' like that wozzock New Town, what goes up must come down, like me tart's drawers, right?  So it stands t' reason feckin' motor what goes uphill's gotta fetch back down at some point. Right? Defo!

Paxman : I'm with you so far.

Scouse : Right so every action gets a reaction, right. So if a motor's streakin' uphll an all th' nuts is turnin', they's tightenin up, right? So if the thing gets stopped an' has t' go shootin' back reversin', stands t' reason all the joints is loosenin'. Hey! Am I right or am I right?

Paxman : Brilliant!
 
Scouse : So I figured if I slips me whackers Lucifer 'an Leroy from th' Council a few Queer Queens I could have a ten foot Tiger Trap across Scottie Hill an' all them wheels scootin' up is gonna have t' come rocketin' back arse first, offloadin' gear fast as th' feckin' Titanic's Tearoom!

Paxman : This is truely the work of a powerful analytical mind! Are you a Trinity man?

Scouse :No. But I done th' Big Issue. All a piece o' piss, Tonto! Mind a nice big dig wi' the needle helps.  But hey! Who cares. I'm cleanin' up! Last daft runt up there comes down so swift th' jessie's sat squat on th' tarmac in 'is feckin' Y fronts wonderin' where 'is motors gone!   So if yous lookin' f' a couple o' wing mirrors or a nice stereo, give us a bell.......

Paxman : Truely awesome.

Scouse : Defo! Greet eh! Look no hands! Feckin' dumb Bizzies can't finger me f' nothin. Ten thousand spares stacked up f' floggin an' I'm still smellin' o' roses! Bought me tart a place in New Brighton on th' back o' this one! No jossin'!

Paxman : Yes. I was meaning to ask. How have your family reacted? I gather you have a large number of children of your own?

Scouse : Who's askin'? If its the Social, I've lost count. Any bastard else I'm admittin' nothin'.Special if it's that slag f' over The Eight what's mouthin' off I give 'er them two Tar Boys!

Paxman : I was thinking of your youngest. The one you left with the Doorman.

Scouse : Our littl' Jason!? Me youngest!? Well, far as I know so far! He's defo a chop off the ol' cock!! I got 'is picture 'ere. It's th' one of 'im in his buggy outside th' boozer.

Paxman : How beautiful! Though he does look a little peeky. Has he started teething?

Scouse : Defo! Started this mornin' over Stanley Park. Two 'andbags an' some other kid's mobile!