this is a poem about my mother and her love of oriental food.
The above is untrue.
Billy, our hero, is what is technically known as a ‘billy no-mates’. He believes that to over come this status he needs to mix effectively with other men-folk, he also believes that the most effective way of going about this is to enthusiastically discuss sports in appropriate environments, e.g. Pubs, locker rooms etc.
Unfortunately Billy is blessed with the social skills of a bus and the sporting knowledge of a half eaten Curley Wurley.
The scene is a busy pub. The FA cup final is being played and the large, blokey collective enjoy the match in the usual rowdy fashion.
Billy appears at the edge of the bar, glancing nervously, waiting to make his move. He slides in next to a large bald guy who is shouting and jeering, waving his pint and clearly enjoying himself.
‘Good game eh?’ says Billy to the guy.
‘What?’ replies the guy, not having heard over the noise.
‘Good game!’ says Billy a bit louder
‘Oh..right, yeah’ replies the guy in slightly bemused but good spirits, before he turns back to the game.
Billy waits a few moments before trying again; ‘David Beckham!’ he semi-shouts in the bald guys ear.
‘What??’ the guy turns and responds in firmer tones, now clearly getting irritated by this constant interruption to his viewing pleasure.
‘David Beckham!’ repeats Billy.
‘What about him?’ says the bloke.
‘He’s plays a lot of football!’ Says Billy in a matter of fact way.
‘Yeah, that he does’ says the bloke, slightly exasperated. ‘Now if you don’t mind im trying to watch this game’
‘Oh, right’ says Billy sheepishly. Billy now concentrates on ‘enjoying’ the game himself, and he times his jeers along with the others. However he gets a bit over excited and mis-predicts when the crowd is about to burst into a collective jeer.
‘GOOD FOOTBALL!!’ Billy yells as the ball goes out of play. The pub is close to silent as they look at him with mass derision.
Things return to normal and Billy’s embarrassment subsides. After a while he tries again to connect with the bald guy.
‘The reds nearly got a score there eh!’ attempts Billy
The bald bloke now turns to him with barely concealed contempt and aggression. ‘Do you even know who’s playing?’ he asks Billy.
‘Er…England?’ replies Billy with little to no confidence.
‘It’s Liverpool you Tit. Now why don’t you fuck off before my fist connects sharply with your face'
Billy leaves. The blokey merriment continues without him.
|
Wahey
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 13th March 2006 |
Good one sasquatch, this is one of your best lately. I know a little prick just like this guy myself.
Not bad at all my friend.
I had an email last World Cup, (or World Cup Series) based on an American commentator doing the England match.
Phrases like 'Mikey Owen introduced in the second semester' and 'England seal it with a zip-two shut out'.
There's the foundation for a similar sketch there.
 |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
thanks mate.
there is a good foundation for a sketch for sure. Kind of addressed by the recent budweiser commercials (you do the football, well do the beer) with talk of team manchester and added time multi-ball. But defeinite room for development. Need to do some research on well-used US sporting phrases.
Mikey owen?
i like it.
you could have the commentator shouting 'touch dooooooowwwwwn' when there is a goal, before is colleague corrects him and he changes to 'oh yeah; gooooaaaaallll'
i was in dom rep a couple of years ago and saw the weekly american show on english football. they refered to it as the EPL (english premier league).
oh those crazy yanks. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
| So David Beckham plays football, I wondered what all the fuss was about. I'm learning a lot on this forum, thanks. I'm guessing the joke is Billy doesn't really know about football, well he knows more than me--nice piece though. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
thanks surfer dude
thats right, as stated in the intro Billy has 'the sporting knowledge of a half eaten curley wurley'
for those not familiar, a curley wurley is an amusingly shaped confectionary snack consiting of chocolate and caramel. It bears no relevance to the joke other than its presumed lack of sporting knowledge.
i thought Beckham would work as a lowest common demononator, but once again he has let me down. |
Not just them
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
It's known as EPL all over SE Asia too now, thanks to ESPN/Star Sports (based in Singapore) using it. Sad.
Star is Murdochs name for satellite in this neck of the woods, so 1/2 the World will now know it as such.
Why do you think you get early kick-offs every week? Thats right, prime-time over here. Help yourself to a horse-shit butty. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 14th March 2006 |
"thanks surfer dude"
Actually I'm dudess,sasquatch, which is why I know little of football or curly wurlies. So you don't have to be upset I'm just a lady so nothing I say matters. I'm just a vain silver surfer
|
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 15th March 2006 |
isnt 'dude' a generic, unisex term? it is in my dictionary.
didnt assume your gender and curley wurleys are enjoyed by both sexes. But i think they are only availble in britain so i guess that narrowed the scope.
where is everyone from anyhoo? I'm in london/brighton in England. Oppostie the chemist on the high street.
am i causing sexist and nationailist issues here? wow, didnt mean to do either. |
I'm Welsh
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 19th March 2006 |
I'm Welsh and I remember Curly Wurleys too.
How do you manage to be in London and Brighton? Are you twins? |
Commiserations
Written by Bagheera (680 comments posted) 20th March 2006 |
Gwynn, Sorry to hear of your incurable disease (ie. being "born Welsh") 
Perhaps sasquatch commutes? Working in London and paying rent in Brighton has GOT to be cheaper even if you have to balance it against the cost of a train ticket each day!
Definition of a Welshman> Irishman who learnt how to swim .... |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 20th March 2006 |
yes indeed, i am one of those wretched commuting types.
My guru tells me its punishment for murdering a squirrel in a previous life.
But i think he is just trying to wind me up. |
Hello, isn't it?
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 20th March 2006 |
May I too offer my condolences Gwynn. Is that coat your jacket?
Used to work with a Welsh bloke in China. His mum would send the local 4 page newspaper to him. One issues 'Sports Section' praised young Dai Evans, who had triumphed in the Under-15 sheep herding, with his dog Misty. Going was good-to-soft, with firm, managable sheep.
Gripping stuff.
PS His Dad was in hospital... with his leg, isn't it? |
Haaar Haar
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 22nd March 2006 |
| Very funny I am sure you lot. I never say 'isn't it' but I must admit round here thery call 999 for an 'amubalance' which might amuse people. I am working on 2 funny characters but doing some kids writing which seems to be going down well with everybody except jeanday. Watch this space for more of my comedy.. |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 2nd August 2007 |
Admirable the way you've adopted the female footballing mindset required to write parts of this - reminds me of a guy who used to spend Old Firm games continuously blabbering to everyone about his prowess on the fruit machine.
So, did you and Mr. Wilkinson end up in that guest house on the south coast with Katie Melua and Samuel L. Motherfuckin' Jackson? I heard recently that if the Bishop of Carlisle is right about the UK floods being God's punishment for pro-gay legislation, Brighton must now be like bloody Atlantis.
Assuming that the Dom Rep was not part of your acting career, next time you're in Santo Domingo check out our Voodoo Colonic Irrigation Centre - free chicken with every fungal hosing massage. I'm trying to read this in court, so much damn noise, and I lost my gavel last night somewehre between Madame Fifi's and the mausoleum. Do feel free to post up any zoological, faecally-oriented, mindless violence, if circumstances allow. |
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