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By patterjack
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15 March 2006 |
My final , I think , sonnet, Result of a dream and looser in form than usual Site of Blood
I tread a maze through the abattoir of living;
the hung meat drips. I turn to left and right--
the slaughtered beasts hang still before the light
sent deathwards without benefit of shriving.
Antiseptic , sterile , the blades slice, kniving
their way through flesh with calculated bite.
I watch , my own guts sickened at the sight
of beasts unknowing , desperate creatures striving.
I touch each carcase: blood-warm , chilling , cold,
and suddenly the memory that lingers
within my flesh , that lies within my fingers,
takes up my being in its icy hold.
This slaughter you and I and the beasts all share
We, just as much as they , hang quartered there.
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Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 15th March 2006 | Fantastic imagery - rather gothic in fact! - but on this occasion I think you may have stretched the sonnet form just a little too far. Part of the trick is knowing which poetic forms best suit which kinds of material, and in this case I do feel that the slightly twee rhythm of the sonnet doesn't marry well with the extraordinary vivid imagery. You've pulled the metre around a lot as well - I can't decide if that's a strength or a weakness, because on the one hand it provides a sense of distortion that's appropriate to the imagery, but on the other it does mean the poem doesn't flow as well as it might. I'd be interested to hear it read aloud; read in my head, the rhythm just doesn't hold up, but with the appropriate dramatic inflexions it may be a lot more effective.
Personally I think this could have been more effective as free verse. Or alternatively, re-worked into one of the more unusual poetic forms. Try re-writing as a pantoum - now there's a challenge for you!  | Panroum! Oho no !
Written by patterjack (1343 comments posted) 15th March 2006 | Thank you for your comments -- you are quite correct about the distortion , but I assure it was deliberate , though the poem is less distorted than the earlier version.
As an ex part time actor I perform my own poems both in my head and vocally and use variations of speed and metric emphases to push the meaning to its limit .
Slow down line 9 with a dying fall then rush the next line for example -- that's the way I play it .
Free verse-- hmm-- I think the first line dictated the rest of the poem . But pantoum -- again , oho no !  !
And again , thank you |
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 25th March 2006 | This imagery here is truly striking, as horrific as you like, it gets the point across. I think you could edit the last tow lines slightly just to increase the impact, but apart from that it's a great work.
extra compliments to the title, pun et al, cause mine are always pants!
good stuff
x clo x |
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