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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Sgt. Bagheera and the Hippies
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Comedy
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| Sgt. Bagheera and the Hippies | |
| By Bagheera | ||||||||||||||||||||
| 20 March 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||
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Am I supposed to post this two different places??  Warning: in "Preview" this looks as if the formatting is all over the place ..... Feelin’ Groovy It is early morning in the Village [SFX: mist trails. Music in bgd “Morning” from “Peer Gynt Suite”] Sgt. Bagheera walks along country land heading away from Village, swinging his favourite truncheon rhythmically and whistling out-of-tune. He approaches a tent in a field at the side of the road. BAG: ’Allo, ’allo, ’allo! Voice You don’t need to wake us up one at a time! BAG: What’s that? Voice It’s not important: give us a moment, officer ..... a few seconds elapse, then three scruffy figures appear, yawning BAG: I just thought I’d look by and, erm .... make sure you had a good night’s sleep? V 1 And no doubt find out our names and where we’re from, I suppose. BAG Well, since you mention it .... we like to know who’s in our village ... V1 Get it over and done with, Officer: you’re not the first copper to ask someone going to a folk concert annoying, intrusive invasion-of-privacy questions! BAG: I didn’t mean ........... ! V1 No, I’m sure you didn’t. Okay, My name’s Noddy: Noddy Holder BAG You’re a bit younger than I remember ..... NODDY Not the original, man! But me mam was a Slade fan, y’see !! second & third campers shuffle forward. One is carrying a cricket bat, the other a cricket ball BAG Okay, I understand that ..... NODDY The batsman’s Holding: the bowler’s Willie SFX: “boom-boom” clash of cymbals & drums NODDY We’ve just warmed up some nice soup for our breakfast: would you care to join us? offers Bagheera a steaming mug BAG Thanks ..... mmmm! Just what’s needed to take the chill off the morning. HOLDING “Chill”? Did he just say “chill”? WILLIE Rock on, man! Could be he’s a groover! Bagheera begins to stagger. As yet he is unaware of the effect the soup is having on him. We (the audience) realise that the “home-made soup” has been made with freshly plucked ‘magic’ mushrooms BAG M’gooood frien’s! slings his arms around shoulders of H,W ..... m’ ver’ goo-ood frien’s .......... gissa song, then ... How’s it go ..... off key ... “I am sailing .... I am saiiii ........” drops mug, starts slow ‘helicopter-style’ spinning. After a few turns, falls flat on face. Loud snores start WILLIE Gawdelpus, Noddy! That musta been one o’ your best soups yet! HOLDING D’yer think we should go into the Village and look for the local GP? He’s a bit of a funny colour, innee? NODDY Nah, I reckon all coppers get that way when they work out here in the sticks: it’s sediment, or silage, or something in the air, I think! Still, it’s probably a good idea to get the quack out, make sure he hasn’t overdone it, I suppose ... wanna toss for it? H, W give N disgusted looks NODDY (angrily) With a coin, y’know? Heads or Tails? Oh, forget it! I’ll go myself (storms off) WILLIE Gives me an idea for a new song, don’cha know? picks up guitar, starts strumming. H starts tapping out a rhythm on face of bat. In the corner we see a large spider starting to spin a web across Bagheera’s chin and cheeks. Soon it grows to resemble an Eastern European caricature of a beard H, W exeunt SL. SFX: music from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” NODDY returns from Village with Dr. Harold Dr. Harold is well-oiled, and threatening to use his stethoscope as a Weapon of Mass Destruction, if given the chance Dr. H Issat the p... (hic) ... atient? NODDY Uh .... yeah ... but he didn’t look like that when I left ........ Dr. H. Woddya m’n?? (sprays a dose of something into mouth from hypodermic needle) NODDY Wee – eeell: to start with, he was clean shaven! Dr. H. Hmmmm! Looks like a very rare case of galloping growbagitaliosis roots in doctor bag, tossing out a variety of plumbing tools etc. Eventually selects a rusty-looking hobby knife NODDY What’ja gonna do with that? Dr. H. (sings)Mamamama we’re all cra-zeeeeeeee now-ah! NODDY No, you can’t do that ....... ! struggles back & forth across stage with Doctor Bagheera is woken by the noise. He sees his reflection in a mirror dropped from Doctor’s bag and is terrified. He gets up and runs off, pursued by NODDY and Dr. H.
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