Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Something Beautiful
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1608 guests online and 4 members online
Shorts
Something Beautiful
By LilGryphMaster
08 April 2005
I have written as an excercise in a class. It started from a 3x3 sentence structure exercise. It is now in its final form... I hope.

**Updated April 13th, 2005 at 9:55PM CST**

    The man rose from his stool under the low awning of the corner-shop. Out of the shade, he could once more feel the rays of the sun wash upon his skin. He turned around to wave at the girl in the booth. She waved back, smiled, and continued to serve the next customer.
    Licking the popsicle in his hand, the man savored the sweet, fruity flavor. He could feel the refreshing cold of the last bite slide down his throat and fill his body from head to toe. Just then, a cool breeze rushed past him, catching strands of his jet-black hair and the hem of his over shirt. As he continued down the concrete path, the world around him began to slowly disappear. He spread his arms like wings, took a deep breath, and pressed on, distractions of the street impenetrable of his blissful state.
    Rushes of the soft breeze continued to swirl by. With his eyes closed and his arms out, he felt like a bird. He used to watch them when he was a kid, wondering how they sounded, flying in the sky and singing their songs. He knew they could sing from the vast amount of books he read in his solitude. He knew that hearing their song was truly something beautiful. Of course for him, anything that made a sound would be beautiful in a life filled with silence.
    The man collided with an unknown force and fell to his knees, feeling the warmth and weight of another body fall down with him. He opened his eyes and found the figure of a young woman lying there next to him on the pavement.
    Quickly, without hesitation, the man helped the woman up and brushed her off. He turned to try and escape the embarrassment, but the woman heard him scuffling behind her and quickly spun around, slamming her white cane into his leg. The man turned around, trying to scream but producing no sound. The woman stood anxiously, "Are you okay?"
    He saw that the woman was speaking. He settled down and fixed his eyes on her lips, hoping she would repeat herself. He noticed she was wearing sun-glasses and holding the white walking stick used to bludgeon him earlier in her hand. He also noticed her head was pointed in a rather odd direction. But his eyes remembered their mission and darted back to her lips just as the words formed in her mouth, "Are you okay?"
    He nodded, but then soon realized she could not see the gesture. Thinking quickly, he grabbed her free hand and tried to send her a signal. "What are you doing?" she asked. He didn't see her speak.
    He closed her hand into a fist and pulled her thumb outward. "Thumbs up? Are you trying to tell me you're all right? I'm only blind, you know; not deaf!"
    The man placed his finger on her lips. After a short pause, he took her hand and placed it on his throat. The woman's hand shook, frightened and wanting to pull away.  With her index finger, the man traced an "X"over his vocal chords. Her hand stopped shaking, and the woman realized the situation.
    "Oh, I see. You're mute?" He tugged on her thumb to confirm.
    The woman grinned, "Looks like we've got something in common, then."
    The man laughed. He made no noise, but the woman somehow could sense his amusement. She laughed in return.
    For a moment they were silent. The man stared at the woman, wondering what lay beneath those sun-glasses and noticing that they were awfully crooked. She started to speak, "Well then. I guess I should..." He reached over and gently pulled the frames back into place, firmly nestled on her nose. She gasped, startled.
    "Th.. Thank you." She said in a softer voice, smiling gently and pointing her head downwards, feeling quite silly now.
    He reached over to her cheek, almost as if by instinct, and touched the back of his hand to her skin. It was smooth. The continuing breeze passing by brought the tranquil scent of her perfume to the man's nose. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, the smell heightening his senses. He had never felt or been so close to something so beautiful. She put her hand on top of his and closed her eyes. Never had a complete stranger treated her with such attention, such kindness. But she quickly realized that the man was indeed a stranger and pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry, but I don't even know your name."
    The man was taken back. He thought for a second. In her hand, he made a walking motion with his fingers and pulled her along the sidewalk. The man headed hastily back to the corner-shop he had just left. The girl smiled when she saw him, "Back so soon?" she inquired. He nodded, "Who's your friend?"
    The man shrugged. He pulled a notepad and pencil from his pocket and opened it up to a clean page. He quickly scribbled words on the paper and showed it to the girl. "She doesn't know your name?"
    The woman waited patiently and smirked as she heard the interaction between the two. The man nodded and wrote some more. "Sure, I can tell her for you. Ma'am, this is Frank Stephens and he's certainly pleased to meet you."
    Frank didn't take his eyes off of the woman's lips, wanting more than anything in the world to know her name, "Hello Frank. My name is Lisa Heartwell. I'm glad to meet you too." Frank grinned and shook her hand.
    He took the pad again and flipped to a new page. He wrote a few more words and the girl read them, "Well, Ms. Heartwell, it looks like Frank would like to buy you some ice cream. Would you care for some?"
    "I'd love some," she said graciously.
    The girl scooped out some vanilla ice cream into a waffle cone and handed it to Frank. Carefully, he guided Lisa's hand around the cone and she took a bite from the top. "Delicious!" She licked her lips in enjoyment.
    Frank went to pay the young girl, but she wouldn't accept it. "Don't worry, Frank, it's on me."
    Frank mouthed a "Thank You" to the girl. He then turned to Lisa and grabbed her by the hand, letting the cane hang between their fingers. He led her forward with his other hand on her shoulder. Something inside Lisa told her that she could really trust him now. He looked over to her. What he saw reminded him of the birds he admired as a kid. He knew that hearing their song must feel something like this. Together, they stepped out from under the awning of the corner-shop and the sunlight washed upon their skin once more.

Reviews
Something Beautiful
Written by Clementine (10 comments posted) 8th April 2005
I really enjoyed reading this! 
 
The idea of a (possible) friendship between a person who can't see and another who can't speak is a truly original and brilliant idea. 
 
I thought the story was excellent, and apart from a few spelling mistakes here and there (e.g, "shruged" in the sixteenth paragraph) I thought the story was beautifully written. 
 
I look forward to reading more from you. :)

Written by PeterThomas (2 comments posted) 8th April 2005
A very interesting concept, with lots of promise, and overall a well written piece, but there were one or two points which had me feeling a bit awkward. 
 
Phrases like "feel the rays of the sun wash upon his skin" (also used again at the end) sound a bit difficult. Sun doesn't "wash upon" anything, and since you have countered his muteness by making him a very visual person, it would make more sense to describe things the way he sees them, as opposed to how he feels them. This is extremely apparent again in the second par. when you say he licks a "frozen treat". It makes me feel like I'm not there, not involved, since I can't see what he's eating, and he can. 
 
The other thing I noted was the way he interacted with the blind woman. I think you did a fantastic job of the initial meeting, but having him touch her (however innocent) seemed out of place. I can't see her letting a complete stranger drag his hand across her cheek, while she's thinking "Nobody's ever treated me like this before." I kept waiting for her to turn around and slap him or say something to put him in line. And when it didn't come I felt a little uncomfortable. 
 
With a little re-working the ending dialogue could be even more effective, but all in all, a well crafted piece.

Written by artsnflowers (48 comments posted) 10th April 2005
While taking Peter's very good comments on board, I still would like to say I enjoyed the promise in this story, i.e. the promise of your writing becoming better. It's certainly a novel theme and that counts for something.

Written by Songster (52 comments posted) 10th April 2005
There is nothing wrong with the rays of the sun washing - except that is is itself now becoming a bit of a rired old metaphor. He has five senses - there's nothing to say he can't hear - he just can't speak.  
I think this woman must have three hands.She has one for the stick, one for the cone and Frank has the third. 
Other than that I think this is a very promising story.
Not sure if this is intentional
Written by nascent (106 comments posted) 10th April 2005
Just that if you scan down the paragraph beginning phrases you get: 
The man rose... 
The man licked... 
The breeze continued... 
The man suddenly... 
 
The majority of your beginnings are 'The' and more often than not, 'The man'. 
 
There was also one other thing that confused me a bit. The third paragraph (which I particularly liked) tells us that he is deaf as well as mute and yet in the rest of the story he seems to be able to hear. 
 
Good story though and very interesting idea.
Addressing some issues
Written by LilGryphMaster (11 comments posted) 10th April 2005
Okay.. Let me get through the list here. 
 
1. Spelling errors have been corrected 
2.I am keeping the "sun" metaphor, as I like it. My goal in this story was to address the 4 senses the man had left. Feeling the sun, breeze, skin; tasting (and, in essence, smelling) the popsicle; seeing everything else. When the sun is used at the end, I feel that it gives them both something they can experience together... And it's just a nice bookend.. Correct me if I am wrong. 
3. The awkward touching and interaction has been reworked, I hope it's not AS awkward now. I wanted a sense of... Strangeness, almost unrealisticness to it. Magical, maybe. 
4. The hand deal at the end is a bit iffy, I agree, but if he just holds the stick in her hand aswell you can just dismiss it. Lol.. I guess it's sloppy writing. 
5. I agree, I do tend to use "The" alot to begin sentences. I don't know what it is, but it seems like the best way for me to express my vision. I try to fix it if it gets too much for me. As it is, they do the job and I don't want to over-fluff my sentences. 
 
I hope I've addressed and fixed the problems or quirks noticed while reading. Just let me know if something still bugs you, and I shall consider it. 
 
Thanks

Written by Fay (16 comments posted) 11th April 2005
I really enjoyed the story. I worry how these people will communicate with eachother in future without needing a third person (ie to read the pad)...it would have worked better for me if that had been resolved. I loved the idea and the gradual way that we found out the guy was mute. 
well done. Great material :grin

Written by nascent (106 comments posted) 13th April 2005
The story flows much better now. It certainly works for me, I loke it a lot. 8)
Sensitive story
Written by Betsie (30 comments posted) 14th April 2005
Yes, the beginning was intriguing and then you realise the problem. The subject matter was well handled. Are you aiming for publication? I agree with Fay about needing to know how they will cope - when a story deals with handicap such as these, you need to end on a high note with strong hints that problems will be resolved and they will cope with their difficulties in the future.
Nice vignette
Written by Ed (14 comments posted) 15th April 2005
I agree with Clementine - theres's interesting characters here warranting further exploration. 
 
Maybe you should tell us more about 3x3 sentence structure as a way of composing narrative. Maybe a forum post or an 'advice from the community' article?

Written by employee2-4601 (37 comments posted) 15th April 2005
What a fantastic piece of writing. Out of the pieces I've read on this website, only two have prompted me back for another read. Yours was one of them. 
I hope people won't think I'm going over the top, but I think it takes great skill to write like this and I hope to see more in the future. It's brilliant!
tender and moving
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 17th April 2005
very well conveyed

Written by goingtothedogs (58 comments posted) 24th May 2007
Stuff the details of the actual senses employed! I found that deeply erotic....

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item