I have been promising to give whatever advice I could to people for so long its becoming embarrassing.I thought of putting this in the Advice section. Indeed I did. But the more I read it alongside the better formal advice there from others the more I thought it belonged elsewhere. Anyway there are otherwise excellent similar thoughts from others there which cover a good deal of what I would say. Nonetheless as my experience of becoming a professional writer is somewhat at odds with the usual route I thought it might be worth sharing. I do not flatter myself I am T. Tennyson Dickens. But I have made a reasonable living out of it over the last thirteen years and had some real highs. To save people wasting their time however, I ought to make it clear now that whatever the merits or otherwise of such as the BBC/Writersroom/Writers Competitions/Unsolicited Mss etc, etc, the usual, I am no expert as I have never had any experience of any of them. My becoming a writer began as much by accident as design; though it may be instructive for some to know this. In truth its a bit of a story.
I used to be a poor, downtrodden university teacher until, one evening, in the great tradition of all beginning sagas, minding my own business, I was sitting watching the then ATV. Without warning--there were no caveats in those days--my hearth, living room and house were invaded and pillaged and my family insulted and raped by....
Timmy Mallet!!! WOULD YOU BELIEVE THE THAVELESS BOSTHOON!! He suddenly appeared on my!... my!.... my television set without anyone having the courtesy to flag up the mortal danger to those watching. He then proceded to behave as though he were funny. What more need I say. Save that I do not know anything in our troubled world more guarenteed to have me leaking gas an' lightin' it than that gormless four eyed freak mekon scrog! I almost choked on my Gevery Chambertin!! To such an extent that Herself, quietly marking school scripts and helping our youngest with his homework, remarked, ' Don't tell us!! Tell them!'
I am aware I have always been called to task for ignoring the wisdom of women. Though in my defence I must say that like all sensible men with an instinct for survival I always do what my wife tells me. I was therefore straightaway up on the keyboard and sending an uncharitable summary of my experience-- and to my mind that of any sentient being-- to his producer. The gist of it printable ran thus :
Dear Ms Heggarty,
I have for some time now been assured by colleauges in the Department of Mathematics that it is feasible to believe that should a monkey be sat before a typewriter the thing will, given sufficient time, reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Frankly I have always been sceptical of the truth of this on the grounds of both the limited longevity of the animal and arithmetical laws of functional probability. But no longer! For having seen that copper bottom buffoon Mr Timothy Mallet this evening, masquerading as a comedian, I am converted. Indeed I will go further. Not only do I now no longer doubt the monkey's powers, I have become of the opinion that the wretched creature could have easily come up with this kind of dumb witless scrothroon in the space of but a few moments.
I remain, Ma'm your obedient servant,
Geroid o' Conhalai.
In fairness to the woman she replied with equal candour. Adding in the tart tradition of female one-upmanship,...'And if you think you can do any better, sunshine, send it to me and I promise I'll read it and respond. I did. And she did. And I never looked back. Nothing quite like starting at the top, you understand.
I am convinced to this day that having been schooled in the BBC vein of insouciant English Oxbridge arrogance, she was unaccustomed to being given both blistering barrels by the Celt. An unspeakable act of lesse majeste for which her education had not prepared her. Fair doos, a feisty lady; she was stung to reply. The point being, that for those of you who can carry confidence sure as the arrow from Brohannan's bow, to the devil with snivelling smart supplications! Let them have it just like you feel it, oiled and whizzing! You've a right to walk this planet as they have and every dog in the manger has a master in the house.
Slainte!
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Just right ..........
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 23rd March 2006 |
......... for a wet Thursday night!
Can I say "Go raibh maith agat" , Gerald, for an heartwarming and encouraging tale of derring-do!
Thank you indeed, very much: it was just what I needed to read! 
My Gaelic is VERY limited, but I've a few simple phrases such as common courtesy requires, mostly from research necessary in the planning of "The Chapel of Her Dreams" , extracts of early chaptrers elsewhere on this site (under 'Extended) if you've time and sufficient curiosity.....
Note to self@ time to extract digit and write a few more chapters of said Opus ..... |
OW!!!
Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 23rd March 2006 |
Blame my dyslexic fingers, Gerard!!
There can be no worse discourtesy than the mis-spelling of a name!
Forgive my impetuousness ..........  please!! |
Thank you Bagheera.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 24th March 2006 |
Thanks Bags. Generous as ever.
The story is true and I have always since believed in telling people what I think. It's rather different on this site as some people are a little precious and others frankly not worth it. Moreover this is a good open community and supposed to encourage not deter; so sometimes best to keep one's own counsel. I was once told by a BBC Producer that it was not the ' Bad Wrting' amongst the unsolicited manuscripts she found depressing. Rather it was the absolute avalanche of indifferent stuff that came in weekly from people who thought the ability to string together a coherent sentence meant that they were writers. There are some here however who have gone beyond mistaking competency for talent and strike me as havng genuine skill with words. You would certainly be amongst these latter and that is why I always go out of my way to give serious weight to what you write.
Yes, I will certainly run my eye over your extended piece as soon as I have a moment and thank you for inviting me to do so. For what it worth at present, however, your Rocking Horse Musical is for my mind one of the best and most marketable pieces of writing in any catagory on this site. Make sure you get paid for it by someone as I am sure you will. That's usually the litmus test of the real writer. Then you can join all of us in the all too often cynical world of the 'Pros' You know the old mantra ' If you like it see my bankers. If you don't, my lawyers will see you'!
God bless!
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Explaination
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th March 2006 |
| I have changed the location of this piece as I felt it inappropriate to the Advice section. |
Ta for the info
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 26th March 2006 |
Now , I see here I have been going wrong,not visiting the advice section and missing out on this little gem. Not sure how useful it is, though,slagging off producers. I must say I haven't read it any of the writing manuals. But it's a radical approach which I shall note. I have written an introductory letter which is sure to get me noticed (or arrested) I may put it up for your ppraisal, if that's all right. I don't want to scare them! I know I'll get an honest reaction from you and I respect that.
I did like the ending, it was inspirational but confidence is all very well though it must be backed up by some talent n'est pas ?
I just hope you weren't following one of your countyman' dictum
"I always pass on good advice.It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any good ot onself"
Sorry I've prattled,which you have complainded about elsewhere. TaTa |
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th March 2006 |
Thank you. I'm not completely certain I know what the last bit meant but I'm sure it was well intended.
As I said in the preamble,I don't pretend this is general advice which is why I took it out of the Advice section. But a long time ago to keep the home fires burning I had a little job in the offices at Hodder and did my stint glimpsing through the Slush Pile of Unsolicited Mss according to a strict set of Tick the Box criteria.[And interestingly these did not include spelling and punctuation] In my eight months there I must have glanced at over two thousand Mss and I only passed on one for an editor's considerstion. And even that was eventually returned. For what it is worth, Hodder had a reputation as one of the more careful and sympathetic publishers. Most of the stuff was OK. Some of it was good. But not good enough for Hodder's commitment.
Human beings are supposed to be like water, finding the easiest route around anything. That's why I find it puzzling almost irritating so many seem to get surprised and narked by refusal. Yet they continue to send in stuff without questioning themselves or exploring other avenues of approach. I don't think I have ever heard an aspiring wannabe say 'Perhaps I'm not good enough. Why?'... Or; 'Maybe I need to go about this a different way'. Rather it's always the publisher's fault. Says a lot about the creativity of some intending authors. If the car won't start it appears to me crackers to go on turning over the engine. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 27th March 2006 |
"Thank you. I'm not completely certain I know what the last bit meant but I'm sure it was well intended"
Can you doubt it? Is there some etiquette, here, that I am not following? I reply in kind to some posts and suddenly people become defensive. I meant, what you said was entertaining (as always) if not too helpful but probably more appropriate would have been
”And when they ask for advice what they want is approbation”-- Coulton” I expect you’d agree with that.
"let them have it just like you feel it, oiled and whizzing! You've a right to walk this planet as they have and every dog in the manger has a master in the house."
"say 'Perhaps I'm not good enough. Why?'... Or; 'Maybe I need to go about this a different way'"
Perhaps I am at fault here, I often am if my husband is to be believed, but I get confused by conflicting comments like these. Should I whizz or should I question. I do take what you say seriously.
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Er...?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 27th March 2006 |
Sorry. Don't understand. I've read the piece again and I can't find anything defensive. Never mind. In truth the only thing that gets me talking teeth is when people 'borrow' material from me without the courtesy to mention it. And I certainly could't accuse you of that. Ho hum.
Best wishes. |
curious
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 28th March 2006 |
I am intriged when you say people borrow material from you. Do you mean,wholesale plagiarizing, using your style or just pinching ideas. The reason I ask is;I got a reply to a sketch which said I had borrowed Terry Pratchets idea but I have not read any and came to it myself but he got there first. I've heard it said there's nothing new so what would you say constitutes "borrowing"
BTW If I haven't already said it thanks for reading and commenting on my posts. Replies should either be constructive or witty and yours mangages to be both
Ta |
So there you go....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th March 2006 |
Hullo Mrs.
I wasn't referring to anybody on this site. I was simply recalling two malign roshetheen I subsequently disembowled and whose severed heads I delivered to our Chieftains.
As for Terry Pratchet?..... Is he related to Terence...?... The poet...?.... Quis Custodet?.......Otherwise I have never heard of the fellow.
Take good care of yourself Mrs and most notably of those close to you.
Slante! |
One question
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th April 2006 |
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One question
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th April 2006 |
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One question take 2
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 18th April 2006 |
" I nearly choked on my Gevery Chambertin!! "
What were you doing to the poor fellow and were you doing it in front of the wife? Mind with your sense of humour it must have been, as with Linda Lovelace, "all tongue in cheek."
Broad Minded Brian. |
All flesh is grasse...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 19th April 2006 |
Thank you Brian. I think this subject is now closed.
Time for bed, said Zebedee. [Dirty bastard!] |
Second thought.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 19th April 2006 |
| By the way, before the Poets demand my arraignment before The Privy Council of The Lord Protector; yes, I do know it was not Dean Swift who made the title comment. I am open to correction but I think it was Samuel Butler. Useless prize for anybody who can confirm this without having to look it up. |
This is the sort of thing ...
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 8th May 2006 |
that goes well with a good whiskey.
With the need for fast paced writing for short on time readers its so refreshing to hit on these pearls and know you need to make time to dwell on the reading, else your going to miss out.
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A timely reminder...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 8th May 2006 |
Many thanks,
In truth I had fogotten I had written this. I am particularly grateful to you for reminding me of it as also for you kind comments. When I have a moment I shall endevour to explore something of yours and return the favour.
Slainte! |
Sound advice....
Written by kevg (45 comments posted) 27th August 2006 |
...presented in the form of a witty anecdote. It appears that even when writing non-fiction you can't help but tell a story - a virtue, I assure you.
It gives the reader message that the 'how-to..' books try to teach, but without the boring parts. This sort of advice can only come from one sharing experience. Written in the second person, it adds a nice personal touch to the advice.
On top of that, the actual letter is hilarious, and well crafted. I admire you boldness in bantering with the woman like you did.
Thanks for the advice, and the story.
KevG
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