Thought I’d have a go at Parody.If you haven’t seen the programme Re-location, re-location this will make no sense to you at all. But if you, too, hate those two insufferable, patronising, presenters read on.
Two well groomed people are standing in front a blinding sunset.
Hello this is Phil Smugit
And I’m Kirsty Hardfacedcow
And for this show we have left cold wet old Blighty for the cheery sun of Israel or to be precise the West bank.
PHIL- Yes, Kirsty All that sun and sand eh! (big grin to camera) We’re here today with the Mansours, Talal and Shanaz; they are currently living in a one room hovel which is in need of a bit of the old Kirsty magic . It suffers badly from the sun, there’s some wind damage and the constant bulldozing doesn’t help.
(Kirsty grimaces) “ I can see I’m going to have to work hard on this one”.
PHIL- Well The Mansours are hoping to change lifestyle, they want to sell their current home and get a small town house in Ramala and bit of a spread in The Negev
(turns to Talal)
Well Talal it’s the commuting that’s getting you down isn’t it.
TALAL-Yes Phil. What with the endless check points, body searches and time consuming ritual humiliation, a 20 minute trip takes 5 hours.
PHIL- Ouch! I bet that eats into your quality time with the family.
KIRSTY- Well we’ve been busy doing the maths and checking out properties and, I’m afraid, there’s a bit of shortfall. (pantomime frown from Phil) The problem is your current property; the demand for this type of hovel is low, however ,that small extension you built should give you an advantage.
(we hear a low grinding sound as a bulldozer crashes through the extension)
PHIL –Well Kirsty you better get going while there’s still something left to sell
(she puts her mobile to her ear and looks serious)
PHIL- Meanwhile. I’m off with Talal and Shanaz to check out the properties.( Much later we meet Phil and Kirsty for one of their carefully scripted impromptu chats)
KIRSTY- So Phil. what did they think of your choices.
PHIL- Oh dear Kirsty, I’m afraid they weren’t too impressed, the first one lacked that “wow” factor but it was the constant stoning from the neighbours that clinched it.
KIRSTY- What about No2 ?
PHIL Well Kirsty, it was better but it still suffered from the stoning problem.. But luckily we settled on property No3
KIRSTY Oh Good, no stoning then?
PHIL – Oh no,not at all. No problem
KIRSTY –That’s reassuring
PHIL- We did have to dress them up a Jews. Talal really suits an AK47.The only trouble is the money, Have you swung the deal, Kirsty?
(another mugging to camera ,looking quizzical)
KIRSTY – I’m waiting on a call now. It was tricky. We had to make up that shortfall, and when the retaliatory air-strike levelled their place ,well, we had to give up on the idea of the town house.
PHIL Oh dear I think Shanaz had her heart set on that.
(he looks to camera with his sad puppy-dog face)
KIRSTY- Still it’s fingers crossed for the kibbutz
(the mobile rings they look at each other with mock fear but let it ring for affect Then she answers and listens intently
(she behaves like an actor having to explain the call)
KIRSTY- Well, that is good news, and you can get them to agree? Oh wonderful. So we can go ahead.
(Phil is really camping it up. doing his exited bit)
PHIL- so what is the verdict, Kirsty.
(this is her moment and she’s milking it)
KIRSTY-Weeeeeeelll It took a bit of doing because the new property was half a million and the Mansours was only worth the land value about 200 But With a bit of creative accountancy (gives cheeky grin ) and a promise from the Mayor to fund the difference in exchange for the film we took at the two kibbutzim where they were stoned, we did it
PHIL –Right lets tell the Mansours the good news
( Later still---now they are in front of a large smart house with palm trees and tidy garden doing what they do best, hogging the camera and congratulating themselves)
PHIL- Well I think that was one of our better efforts, Kirsty.
KIRSTY –Yes, I think we did the best we could. After all it wasn’t our fault Hamas mistook them for Israelis and shot them.
PHIL-No Couldn’t be helped. It’s just swings and roundabouts.
KIRSTY- Weeell I suppose it was your fault a bit, you did dress them up as Jews.
PHIL You said nothing, so it ‘s your fault too
KIRSTY-No, Phil, it’s not.
PHIL Yes it is
(what is this? Can these two smarmy types be letting their facades slip?)
KIRSTY-Wait, Phil we mustn’t keep arguing like this.
PHIL- No Kirsty or they’re going to have to call in the ….U.N, to sort us out.
KIRSTY- And we wouldn’t want that, Phil.
(Both look to camera and wink, Oh! those two teasers. They were just joking with us. They walk off arm in arm laughing, taking care to step over the bloodied corpses of the Mansours as they go.
(cue theme music)
|
Written by Ted_Iberrz (21 comments posted) 24th March 2006 | Ok it works well.
It put a smile on my face and that's what comedy is all about  | Stop making sense
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 24th March 2006 | | I've changed the title because I realised it didn't make sense....neither does the rest of the post but you're stuck with that | Improvement
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 24th March 2006 | Good Morning blondechristopherbiggins, this is a definite improvement. I was disappointed with the ending though, I thought Phil might have ended up delivering a well aimed maroon-capped mutton missile straight up Kirsty's Gary Glitter in the back of the van, but I suppose we can't have everyting.
I haven't see the show, but I have seen Ground Force and therfore presume it to be of the same interest level.
Well done. | Another.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 24th March 2006 | Yup. Well done. I've not seen the programme but I can, as my old Latin Teacher used to say, 'Picture the scene'. I don't know whether you are aware but the 'Now Show' on late night Radio 4 did something similar a good while ago, though for what it is worth I think your take is sharper. Still think fewer words would give it more edge, but that's to carp.
Well done! | Ah memories
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 27th March 2006 | | As I remember my old latin teacher always used to say "This is just between us, you mustn't tell anyone" randly little git | junk diet
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 27th March 2006 | Where do TV channels FIND these insufferables? 
GArden makeovers - house makeovers - car makeovers - junk makeovers ... no, sorry, that's called Junkheap Challenge", I think 
Sorry, but your script feels a little too "adult" to fit the intelligence level of this type of TV presenter!
The LCD (Lowest Common Denominator) of all these programmes is: they're CHEAP to make, with Joe Public doing most of the work (and quite often PAYING for the privilege of their "five minutes of fame"). If there were no punters willing to let their house/garden/whatever be "Invaded" in this manner they'd have to PAY some minor celeb to do the job and the programmes would become economically impossible to produce ....  .... though that might not be a BAD thing at all ......... 
And now for something completely dfifferent .....
My old Latin teacher always used to warn us to put our best efforts into ALL our work, or run the risk of the worst of all possible fates, "becoming a PAID POLITICIAN"  | "Adult"
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 28th March 2006 | | By "adult" do you mean grown-up or x-rated. Either way I think you missed the point or I didn't make it clear.Those presenters are intelligent and know they are superior to the poor saps they con into getting involved which is why they are so patronising and regard them as expendable adjunts for their own self-engrandisement in a way you are right they are beyond parody.. I count 5 emoticons is that a record? | clarification .... !
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 28th March 2006 | Sorry, I forgot the "adult" as in "X-rated" use of this term!
I tend to use emoticons when I feel strongly about something - yes, guilty, I probably DO overuse them!
Yes, they DO use the punters to make themselves look good - but that doesn't (IMHO!) mean that the presenters themselves possess any quantifiable degree of intelligence | johnny D ??
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 29th March 2006 | | Sorry if that last reply was a bit scratchy It was hectic here and I was too rushed to be coherent.Anyway is there any news on the Johnny D front Seems ages since I read the other Chapters? | Boasting Time!!!!!!!!
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 29th March 2006 | Johnny D. is progressing, and I finished CHapter 11 last night - I reckon that makes it about 40% (++?) completed ..........
Within the last 48 hours I have:
1) Had a piece accepted for the 'short list' of a local "Prose Idol" competition - you get 3 minutes to convince a jury of Simon Cowel sound-alikes that your piece has potential, the winner gets an introduction to a literary agent (and I think there's a reasonable cash prize, too )
2) Had an editor contact ME for a full synopsis + more text after he read a sample chapter of "The Chapel of Her Dreams" (see 'Extended')
3) WON MY FIRST CASH PRIZE!!!
Okay, it was only a tenner, but I'm getting to see a short story IN PRINT in tomorrow's edition of the local newspaper, the "Liverpool Echo" !!
Virtual drinks all round, folks ... pity we haven't got a pub as well as a Coffee Bar!!!
This may explain why Johnny D has taken a back seat this week | congratulations
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 29th March 2006 | | Well done that man! aAn editor contacting you I don't think that ever happened to JK Rowling. I'm toasting you with virtual G &T as I speak | Wassa madda you two
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 8th April 2006 | wassa madda you oi
think I got no fun 0i
just a bloody misery
such a sobre one
wadda 've I got to say
you give a bright start to my day
you pudda smile on my face.
I loved the piece. I'm never too sure about marginal comments-put them in and they seem obvious, leave them out and people miss the point.
(Why the sad attempt at a parody-cos in BBS's reply to me they'd said that they only write poor little funny things)
Brian | hmm
Written by simon.ward72 (60 comments posted) 8th April 2006 | hello
i thought i would return the favour of the review, though im not sure i understand this peice.
Are they supposed to be the actual presenters from location location? (i forget their names!)
Also why are they in Israel if its so dangerous?
Confused  | to hmm it may concern
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 8th April 2006 | It was meant to be all a joke that's why I put it in the comedy forum. but I suppose you're right. What are they doing in Israel when it's so dangerous, don't they know the risk they are taking; all for the sake of a silly joke!!
(there isn't a green face for the point I want to make)
...And thanks to BRN for your comments. You're spot on about the marginal comments; damned if they're in and damned if they're not. I went for clarity over humour in the end,Good to have your input. | well...
Written by simon.ward72 (60 comments posted) 8th April 2006 | i see your point, but surely it would have been more appropriate if it were based somewhere in England, in a surburban setting.
Like 'The good life' or '2.4 children', or even '2 up 2 down' starring Michael Elphick.
Theres a lot to be said for that kind of comedy. |
Written by simon.ward72 (60 comments posted) 8th April 2006 | | sorry if ive upset you by the way, i didnt mean to. | no upset
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 8th April 2006 | I'm not in the least upset,sweetie, My reply was sending up my own work which is just a silly bit of fun with little literary merit or worth, none of it makes any sense. I just hate those two presenters and wondered how they would fare in a setting that would test their smug self-satisfaction. Thanks for reading it anway As is often said "you're either read or dead"
| Hi BBS
Written by jean.day (2361 comments posted) 17th July 2006 | | When you get one of these old stories, you get the benefit of almost another story's worth in the reviews. I enjoyed the story, although I don't watch the program, but I have seen other similar ones and think your portral of that sort of programme was pretty acurate. What hit me while I was reading it today was the pictures of bombed houses on the news last night. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 23rd October 2006 | This just came up in my 'randomly generated box', thank God. I actually howled with laughter.
I completely agree with Bagheera above: this is way over the intelligence level of most of the people familiar with the show. (The only reason I know the show, I hasten to add, is because I briefly belonged to a gym and took to watching this out of sheer boredom as I did my rat-on-a-wheel impersonation on the running machine. Tried to read, but my glasses kept slipping off my nose from all the sweat.)
Really funny, first-rate work. |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 7th July 2007 | | Good stuff - made me laugh too! |
Written by coosh (922 comments posted) 8th October 2007 | Yes, Jane, why are they in Israel if it's so dangerous?!! Wouldn't High Wycombe make so much more sense?! Did simon.ward turn out to be gwynn's agent? And did Phil get Kirsty up the duff, or is she just a stuffed, knitted toy?
Some great ideas in this - OK, wee bit long, but the ultra-smugness of the ending was a marvellous touch... just looking for a bit of inspiration for an Israeli piece... the asides enhance the visual comedy no end (with a Jackanory-type narrator), and Kirsty is still good material for satire, apparently, unless that was an old repeat of French & Saunders the other night - idea-wise, it wasn't a patch on this... clearly you're an avid fan. |
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