Stories | Poetry | Not News | Scripts | Comedy | Non-Fiction | SF | Crime | For Kids | Extended | PlayRoom
Great Writing - Home > Poetry > As Yet Untitled
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1204 guests online and 3 members online
Poetry
print friendly version     
As Yet Untitled
By brook_rivers
24 March 2006
Inspired by the comedy show: The royal family



Lazing lethargically in front of the flickering box

- Surrounded by dirty dinner plates -

Fixated by the drone of the centre piece in the living room

- Unkempt and unclean-

Layers of material unable to cover the rolls of flab adorning the heavy mid-drift

- That rests in her lap -

The straggly, greasy strands stick to her flaking scalp

- Uncomfortable and itchy -

The cracked and discoloured talons grasp another handful of junk food

- Like a vulture-

Like the automated grabbers at the amusement arcades

-         unthinkingly clutching upon more –

The bloated, blank expression mired by poisonous blotches and blemishes

-         disguising the potential of the features –

Lonely, lying there night after night wondering what life would be like

-         If only she’d get up and bother to enter it –

The repetition and repetition of this daily ritual providing security from the harsh world outside her door

-         As she stays slumped on the faded sofa –

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 24th March 2006
 
She sounds like a good subject for the programme where that woman pokes in your poo, calls you a fat slob and you have to eat bird food for months 
Actually the last 2 lines where quite poignant and gave the whole piece a greater meaning. That sort of thing can become a vicous circle as you, sharply, point out. 
Choose the title carefully the tenure of the poem depends on it,Ithink
thanks 4 comments!
Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 24th March 2006
yes that was the kind of person it was based on. they are always poping up in womens magazines saying this is how i was & this is me now! 
yes still undecided on a title.... thinking.....
Midriff
Written by Espiral ( comments posted) 5th May 2006
Hi Brook, 
 
I think the layout would benefit from removing the dashes from every other line - just for aesthetic reasons. 
 
Also a typo - 'mid-drift' should be 'midriff'. 
 
I agree that the last few lines (for me the last 4) bring the poem to life suddenly - perhaps you could add these kind of comments throughout the poem? 
 
:)

Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 5th May 2006
Thank you for your comments. 
 
I think the dashes were very much a part of poem. 
Thanks for spotting the typo.  
I think leaving the significance until the end makes a greater impression on the reader. :)
Very poignant
Written by LynB (452 comments posted) 10th August 2006
After reading this poem, I could sense this person's frustration, and lack of motivation. They desperately want to live the kind of life others live, but lack the confidence and motivation to do so. It gives the impression of someone with very low self esteem. 
 
Excellent - very hard hitting stuff! :)

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!
 Previous item   Next item
This site is copyright 2005 - 2009 Great Writing. Work submitted by members remains the copyright of the respective authors.
See our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.