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Crime and Thriller
Lucky in a Warehouse
By skrik
09 April 2005
Messing around with clichés, really.

I knelt blindfolded on the cold floor. Three of the heavies who had brought me in had remained. I could take any one of them, two if I was quick enough, but the third would get me, for sure. There was no way out of this, so I determined to go with dignity.

"It's going to do my little heart good, watching you die."

I recognised the voice. Lucky MacGuire would oversee proceedings. I was honoured.

Lucky's "little heart" had not been happy for the past few weeks. It was my fault. I had taken the money he had offered, yet still put three of his closest associates in the clink. Lucky had taken a dim view of my performance, so he sent the heavies 'round.

Six of them turned up this evening. I'd seen three of them coming, but there were as many out back as there were at the front door. I put up the best fight I could, putting at least one in hospital, if he survived at all, but it was futile - six was too many to take without a shooter. After overpowering me, they took me bound and blindfolded in a van to God-knows-where. Now I was to pay the penalty for distressing Lucky.

Here I knelt. The walls echoed, and the floor was cold and hard. I guessed I was in a warehouse. Lucky owned a few. The sound of footsteps gave me the information on numbers and positions. Two of the men who had escorted me in had left the room; the other three were somewhere behind me. Lucky walked from one side of me to the other in front.  

"I don't understand you," he admitted. "Did you think you'd get away with turning on me like that?"

I treated the question as rhetorical.

"I asked you a question!"

Lucky backhanded me across the face. I fell over sideways. Was he really expecting an answer? Of course I didn't think I'd get away with it. I wanted to cause him as much trouble as I could, but I'd wanted to be away when they came after me. I'd taken the money to relocate out of London after shopping him. I was all packed, but a little too slow off the mark.

But I couldn't tell him that. I just had to take whatever was coming. I remained silent, and I remained on my side on the floor, steeling myself for the expected kicks.

They didn't come. Lucky snapped his fingers, instead. One of the men behind me approached and raised me back on to my knees. Kneeling there on the cold floor, I felt the cold, hard kiss of a gun barrel against the side of my head.

Reviews
Blimey!
Written by employee2-4601 (37 comments posted) 11th April 2005
Keeps the suspense till the end! Would be great if we could find out a bit more about the characters. I love it!
real
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 16th April 2005
felt i was there
Excellent!
Written by Jx (11 comments posted) 17th April 2005
As clichéd as it may be (as you intended), the delivery was great. Maybe having a little more backstory interspersed with the current situation (kind of along the lines as to what employee2-4601 suggested) would improve the piece?
vivid
Written by paul25 (16 comments posted) 25th April 2005
As kevin said it was very real...almost cinematic. I would be interested in reading more of it, but as a stand alone story I like the idea of having to imagine the whys and the hows of this situation (as well as the what happens next!).  
 
It may have been 'messing with cliches' but it was superbly described...
Liked it.
Written by DustinBowcott (66 comments posted) 1st May 2005
My only failing with this piece is that I feel it would have been better being written in the present tense. Apart from that I really enjoyed the read. Keep flirting me old son, keep flirting. ;)
Likeminded
Written by Gltagaman (1 comments posted) 14th May 2005
A good introduction that makes me look for more. Perhaps some indication of date of the action would be useful :grin
Great
Written by trouble (3 comments posted) 18th May 2005
It left me wanting more. I really felt like I was there, even to the point of expecting the kicks to hurt.  
great discriptive work
Rethinking
Written by skrik (12 comments posted) 21st May 2005
I must say, I'm gobsmacked. I thought I was messing around, and here you all are, telling me how much you liked it.  
 
I'll expand it until it at least resembles a short story, perhaps something even longer. Who knows?  
 
Thanks one-and-all for the very-encouraging reviews!

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